Is DH out of order?

[Idontbelieveinthemoon]

DH works for himself. His business is doing well, pays a great salary etc. Since we met he's done the same thing, travelled often, worked long hours and generally been a bit obsessed with his work; it's pretty much how he defines himself.

Over the holidays he's taken a few days off and aimed to spend them with the DC. Last night DS2 became unwell and today couldn't go to the activity we'd booked for both DCs to do. As DH is "off" instead of working from home as he sometimes does I said he could take DS2 to his Doctors appointment at 11am while I took DS1 and his mate to the activity. All fine, but as I go to leave the house with DS1 DH announces he's got an incredibly important call and can't possibly take DS2 to the Doctor now.

I've had to ask DS1's friends parents to take them to the activity while I take DS2 to the Doctor and then take DS2 to the activity place to collect both children. Meanwhile I can hear DH in his office in his Very Important Call and it's absolutely a call he could have taken while also taking DS2 to the GP or even rearranged for another time. Nothing important or at least nothing that couldn't have waited a few hours. He makes plans then suddenly drops them because his work take precedent and I resent it horribly.

I'm so, so tired of DH's work ruling our lives. I teach and adore my job but between that and juggling the DCs, I've reached a point where I sometimes look at DH and think "what's the point of you being here" which is awful, I know. And I know I'm being Unreasonable because this is just who he is. But what I was willing to tolerate and accept 10 years ago I'm sick and tired of now.

Any advice would be gratefully received. Any ideas how we move through this without me losing the plot would also go down well.

I can't give you advice but I am in the same position and feel your irritation. It's very hard.

Bumping for you.

Have you spoen to your husband about it? If you were fine with it 10 years ago it might of just not occurred to him that you are struggling if you havent told him how you feel.

If his Jon pays so well why don't you stop working/reduce your hours or hire a nanny. You shouldn't have to work and take on the whole domestic load.

So he prioritised a worthless call over his son's health? Yes, that is out of order.

You realise you have a voice though. When he said he had an important call to take, you could have said "What can possibly be more important than your son's health? When are you going to step up and actually be a father to your child?" He should be a grown up and realise this himself, but if he can't/won't, don't facilitate, him make him face his worthlessness as a parent.

I think a big conversation is in order and soon. You need to tell him that it's a lot easier to parent with you, than parent alone every alternate weekend & one night in the week, because if he doesn't actually parent his children with you then that is what he'll be doing, and MEAN it.

Yes, I think he is out of order.

When you asked him to take ds to GP did he seem to wholeheartedly agree or was he reluctant? I found my ex acted similarly, often in a passive aggressive way, as he hated being asked to do something, to him it felt controlling, when in reality it was just the give and take of homelife. IME men with status jobs hate to have equality at home as used to a hierarchy and giving orders.

I do speak up and challenge him(I'm really not a wallflower at all despite this post). I think this morning it was just furious resignation that yet again his job overtook his responsibility as parent.

We're equal in terms of what we do around the house when he's here; there's none of that "woman's work" stuff (although there was at the start). When it comes to the DC he's as hands-on as I am. I just find it frustrating that we have these long chats about prioritising the children, he agrees that he needs to do X, Y or Z then as soon as a work issue pops up it's all back to exactly how it was. Which means that, actually, the conversations and agreements are just lip service and not something he genuinely gives a toss about.

If his Job pays so well why don't you stop working/reduce your hours or hire a nanny. We've spoken about this over the years and at times I've considered it but I have reservations. I love my job, I love who I am when I'm at work and feel it's a huge part of me. And I genuinely believe that even if I quit my job, the situation with his job wouldn't be remedied; it would just be a case of "oh, but you're not working now so you can do that" which wouldn't be good for our marriage at all. I don't want to relinquish a part of myself I like so much.

Absolutely right, definitely don't give up your job!

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