Friend won't speak to me

[campunderthestars]

My friend of nearly 30 years is dying and it’s terminal. The doctors believe she probably has only a year left to live. She has two young children (twins 8 years old) and is a single parent. They don’t see their father or know anything about him as he didn’t want to be involved. She has a pretty unique set of circumstances where her parents have paid for her home and living expenses her whole life as they are fairly wealthy and she never wanted to work even before the kids. I love my friend but she has always seemed a bit ungrateful for this and I think never truly appreciated their generosity. She has had various fallings out with her family over the years. So that now she doesn’t see them anymore and they have moved quite far away. They do continue to pay for her, and make a lot of effort with the children, but she resents that they get to make a lot of choices about her life due to the fact they are paying for it and calls them controlling and all names under the sun. She was the same way towards them before her diagnosis.

She has asked me to be a guardian to her children and has said they won’t need to live with me, as another friend would have them and be the resident guardian. She suggested it would be merely to sign school forms and small admin tasks like that, as well as to give the resident guardian support.

I have two very young children of my own and I’m not working at the moment. My husband does but we are living in a very small home we have outgrown (not enough bedrooms for the children I have) and we are just getting by as best we can.

I did speak with a solicitor to see what was involved and I was advised it could be more involved than my friend had suggested - if anything happened to the resident guardian I would be asked to find suitable accommodation and fund the children and with the fact that my friend hasn’t got any money or assets that would be left for her children, I was very nervous about agreeing to that. I also just don’t have space for two additional children.

I’m very close to my friend. We would speak pretty much daily. I took her to the hospital when she got her cancer diagnosis and various other appointments since. Visited her in hospital frequently. Took her on various trips to try to take her mind off of things. I’ve tried to be there for her. I’m not very close to her children though and they are usually at school or with the grandparents when I see her. They are very close to the grandparents despite my friend falling out with them and I feel the grandparents would provide better stability and love after she died than I could. I also thought it would immensely upset the grandparents if she chose to do this (with my other friend as resident guardian - and this friend agrees) and it feels almost like a final “F you” to her parents, rather than necessarily what is best for the girls.

For a while I avoided the issue until I was pushed and finally I told her I had to decline as I had too many responsibilities with my own family to be legally responsible for her girls as well. I did say I would love to be involved in a different way - to include them with birthdays and family holidays and have them over for weekends etc to be a close “auntie” role model in their lives, and keep her memory alive.

Since then she has completely blanked me and I’ve heard via a friend it’s because I wouldn’t be her children’s guardian. I was very upset at first, trying to get in contact and sending her cards and flowers etc. This mutual friend says she has no intention of speaking to me now before she dies as she’s so angry with me. Now I just feel quite angry with her. Did I really do anything so bad? I was there for her throughout and we have known and (I thought) cared about each other for 30 years and now this is how our friendship ends? I am very hurt but it’s also the first time I’ve really ever said no to her and I think it was quite a shock. But I feel like she is punishing me for not doing as she wanted. Is it that bad of me to say I couldn’t be her girls guardian?

So not to drip feed, I have an arrangement with my SIL and DSis families that we will be their kids guardians and they will be ours. I know it’s unlikely, but I can’t risk being guardian to all of these children.

I feel terrible I couldn’t help my friend with her final request. But her children have grandparents that love them and other friends and family. I just couldn’t do this for her, but I’ve pretty much done anything else she’s ever asked of me.

AIBU and deserve to be ignored? I’m very hurt by this and it’s made me question our whole relationship. At first I almost changed my mind just so she would speak to me again even though I know it’s not best for my family and I don’t even think it’s the best thing for her kids. But now I think maybe I was just being used as a free taxi service all these years (she can’t drive). But she is the one with the cancer so I also feel like It is wrong for me to be angry with her, and I can’t have any idea what she is actually going through.

You are assuming that she is pissed off because you said no but if I were in your friend's situation, this bit

For a while I avoided the issue until I was pushed and finally I told her

would be why I felt hurt. Why did you leave her gaming like that, not knowing your decision because you were too gutless to say it out loud, and all this limited time she could have been asking other people.

Also, it's not for you to decide who should raise her children once she dies, and certainly not so you can feel less guilty about saying no.

Saying no is fine but you should have been clear and prompt in saying so.

Gaming = hanging. Apparently autocorrect doesn't like hanging.

The fact she has cancer does not stop her from being a user. She accepts money from her family but at the same time wants nothing to do with them? Everything is on her terms or not at all. Don't feel bad for her. You have had to make the right choice for your family. She's doing this as a fuck you to you in the same way she's cutting her parents out of her DC's lives when she's gone. Let her get on with it. She's chosen this for herself and will sadly end her life embittered and lonely. You haven't done the wrong thing but I feel for her DC and parents.

*have done the right thing!

My friend told me she was angry with me for saying no and that's why I am being ignored.

When I say I avoided it, I guess I made all the noises of no without a direct no if that makes sense. Saying they would be happier with X, what about money etc. This happened over a four week period so I don't think it would have impacted her timescales that much?

I guess it was spineless. But I wanted to speak with a lawyer first and my husband and to think about it properly.

Agree with Elementree

What a horrible situation for you all. Can you write your feelings down to her??

She has no right to fall out with you because you won't be guardian to her children. It's a massive ask and one that shouldn't be considered lightly. Unless her parents are abusive, they love and find their grandchildren and they're their flesh and blood, so they should be the ones responsible for them.

If I were you I'd sit her down and try and discuss it. That the blood connection and the fact that they love their grandparents is going to be massively important to them once she's gone. Unless of course, she has a legitimate reason to not want them in charge of them. But if she's expecting up I to be a guardian she should tell you everything.

Does the father know that she's dying? Is he on their birth certificate and do they have any means of tracing him should they decide to do so?

Is her friend happy with raising the twins?

Hi Martha
I could - I've not tried a letter but I've already tried to contact her quite a lot and I've said how I feel. I don't want to bombard her too much. She's not replied so I think maybe I just need to accept that?

It’s a big thing she’s asked of you but I think you have to look at it from her point of view. She’s asked you to be the guardian to her children when she dies, possibly one of the highest compliments / honours you can give someone. And you rejected her.

If it were my best friend I don’t think any kind of adverse situation would stop me from making sure they were looked after and emotionally supported after their mother’s death, or that my friend was given that comfort and security during her last year.

I know what you mean about the “F you” to her parents and I’m sure they’ll want to keep and care for the kids but that can be something that is arranged after not argued over in your friend’s last year.

I don't think other types of contact are the same as a letter, it is far more personal than others allows her to listen to you without having to respond. You have been friends for 30 years, I think it would be a shame to not at least write a letter before giving up. Who was right and who was wrong won't feel very important in a few years time.

I'd find it extremely difficult to write.

But yes I'd say exactly what I wanted to say. A letter on an emotional level I believe is worth more than any message, voicemail, email.

So dreadfully sad

I do agree with rita to some extent. It must be a terribly difficult thing to entrust your dcs to someone else when you know you are dying. She chose you, as one of her closest friends, possibly also thinking that the gp are pretty old already and might not be as capable for as long a time as you/resident guardian. The duties and responsibilities of guardian aren't even mostly yours, but you seemed to be an extra support and back up to the resident guardian. Maybe in her mind she wasn't actually asking that much of you, but wanted to keep you in her dcs lives, as a friend she trusted and thought highly of?
Sadly, I think all you can do is try and explain (which I think you have), then leave the ball in her court.

The thing is though, OP has done the right thing by putting her own children first. As awful and sad as the situation is, the OP has considered it carefully and come to the conclusion that she cannot make that commitment. It would be far worse to say yes to appease her friend, then months down the line realise that she couldn't do all that needed to be done for the friends children, unless it were to the detriment of her own.

Thank you all. I will try a letter and then I will leave the ball in her court.

I do understand. I honestly do. And I think the problem is I also agree in some ways with Rita. And I feel terrible I couldn't say yes. I do tend to over think and am very cautious. But would
be very worried about affording to house and look after them properly when I'm not working and have two children of my own.

The reality is, if she had asked me when it was only hypothetical years ago I would have probably said yes without much thought, but when its an absolute certain it has made me think about it a lot more and has been a more practical rather than emotional decision if that makes any sense?

And in response to some earlier questions, her parents didn't really ever do anything that bad that I'm aware of. They wanted to choose the location of the house they gave her so it was a good investment and she was annoyed it wasn't exactly where she wanted. They chose the kids school they were happy to pay for. Things like that which I think has made her feel trapped a little bit and under their control.

I don’t think 4 weeks of indirectly saying no before you finally came out with it is a particularly long time. I think you have done all you can to explain yourself and make amends. I would leave it for a while then maybe send a card or flowers saying that you are thinking of her and that you would love to hear from her if she would like. Don’t apologise as you haven’t done anything wrong. Then leave her to it.

I used to be friendly with someone who was in much the same position as the dying friend in OP - my friend's parents paid for everything, bought her a house, paid for private schools for her children, looked after her children for months when she was having problems. Not an iota of gratitude, claimed they were controlling her by giving her money, even though they bought her a house in a different country when she decided she wanted to move for a really crackpot idea (that would be too outing to describe). The sense of entitlement got too much for me to deal with eventually, haven't seen her for years.

All that's happening is that OP didn't suit her friend, and is now being punished.

I can understand her upset but not the total blanking and unfriending. It sounds very much like her kids have someone equally supportive and stable to bring them up for her. You've done all you can to win her back but I would leave her now, see if she changes her mind. If she doesn't then I don't think your friendship would've survived anyway, regardless of her illness.

I think it was a lot of her to ask of you but from her point of view she is desperate and terrified I would imagine.
I think after a 30 year friendship she's probably feeling let down and I can understand that. I get that you have your own family and no one could blame you for fearing the responsibility but your friend has very little time left and to make arrangements for your children's care after you die, while facing your life is ending must be absolutely horrific and without sounding harsh this situation is about her and her children not you.
May be she just feels that under the circumstances, she has been let down by soneone who she clearly classes as one of her oldest and longest standing friends so I can also see why she would want to spend what little time she has left on finding solutions for her children rather than explaining how she feels to someone who can't help her.
Maybe she just thinks that after such a huge loss its important to minimise the disruption to her girls by not moving them away, changing their schools and having them make new friends, all of which I'm assuming would happen if they went to live with their grandparents.

What a sad situation for the both of you. I can empathise with you and her.

It must be scary as hell for her
.. and a difficult decision for you.

Is there absolutely no financial provision she'll be making for them? Anything at all that would enable you to rethink this?

OP, I think you have made the right decision and I think you have been a terrific friend by taking her to her hospital appointments and being supportive. It’s a lot for your friend to ask of you. If the resident guardian is going to look after the children, perhaps doing the admin tasks on top shouldn’t be too onerous, so there is no need for you to be involved except for your friend’s desire for you to be. I agree with you that the children will be better off with their grandparents. It might be worthwhile trying one last time to contact your friend saying that you are here for her and that your friendship of 30 years means a lot to you. Hopefully she will feel the same and not let things end this way (you are entitled to say no to her requests). If she doesn’t change her mind, then that is her choice and there’s nothing you can do about it. I agree with you that she is playing mind games with the grandparents and I think you are wise to stay out of it.

I can understand why she’s feeling a bit hurt that you said no but you had every right to do so. I’d try the letter idea but then I’d leave her be after to give her space. She might come round, she might not, but you really don’t want to be harassing a dying woman into talking to you. I wouldn’t change your mind though, it would be the wrong thing for your family and I doubt it would help your friend anyway. Either she’ll understand your reasoning for saying no or she won’t.

How old are the GP? It seems very unfair to cut them out when they have a good relationship with their GC and have the financial means to support them. I agree with you OP. Your friend is acting very harshly. You can’t just agree to be a guardian to twins without your DH approval. Could you speak to the GP secretly. Get their opinion? I’m wondering if you could agree to be guardian but once she’s gone have an arrangement with the GP that they do 90% of the care with you having them for respite weekends and holidays?

I would absolutely not speak to the Grandparents secretly. That would be a hideous thing to do. It would be a massive betrayal and take away from her the right to make her decisions about her children's future. I think that would be an unforgiveable thing to do.

I think that for whatever reason, your friend doesn't trust her parents and doesn't want them raising her children. That is to be respected. Nobody on this thread can possibly judge whether the grandparents are the best people to raise these children.

I think from the friend's point of view, she has been massively let down by an old and trusted friend.

It's also shown her that she has misjudged the friendship. She has seen OP as family who will look after her children and remain involved in their lives. OP doesn't see it like that (is happy to be named guardian to family children but not to her close friend's). That will hurt. And it is a massive rejection.

Writing a letter to your friend would be ok, OP. But I would focus on her feelings and not your own. She is dying. She turned to you to ensure her children would be looked after and you felt unable to ensure that for her. That's a massive deal.

She sounds like a horrible sponger.Quick to take money but not accept any responsibility.If she doesn't like her parents let her live independently and give the money back.
Write your letter but I doubt it will make any difference

I don't think it would be unreasonable or any sort of betrayal of trust to talk to the grandparents. Your friend - her situation is tragic, but there has to be a succession plan. In anger, she may well blank you, but somebody had to come up with a diplomatic and loving way of discussing how her beloved children are going to be cared for. And ideally that care is provided by lots of loving, involved friends and family.

It's an awful situation, and YANBU, but God love her, she is making the hardest decisions of her life, and I hope she recognises in time that she needs to bestow a legacy that sets her kids up in the best possible arrangement, including roles for kids of people rather than dependent solely on you. and courage to you all.