Is this bullying, and what can I do about it?

[PollyGasson24]

Lots of stuff going on at the moment, so it doesn't help anyone that DD is getting upset every morning before school and some evenings at bedtime. Hates school.
I realise this behaviour isn't uncommon, but not sure how to deal with it for the best, so if anyone could direct me to any resources to help DD put it into perspective or help me find the right words to discuss it, I would be v v grateful.

Basically, DD had a best friend last year at the school she joined in yr 5, after we moved. V similar and well matched. DD will also get on with others, but does like having one close friend. Plenty of playdates and sleepovers in both houses. Friend overheard a third group friend was thinking of coming to ours after school, since then has deliberately taken this friend off, and excluded DD and bad mouthed her to others. This includes not saying a word to DD in the classroom (they sit together) even when spoken to. Yet when third friend was absent for a week a little while ago, there was no problem.

I've mentioned it to the teacher, who asked DD if she wanted her to do anything, DD said no, and won't speak to her about it of her own accord. I texted the mum asking if she knew of any problems between them. I think she asked, and the girl wouldn't say anything as she knew she'd get into trouble if she'd been mean. (The parents words. ) yet nothing changed. I've encouraged her other friendship.

So what now? DD is getting more upset daily and I don't have the words to help. This continual and deliberate exclusion is bullying in my eyes. And I'm becoming angry that this kid is getting away with it and making mine miserable, but can't see anything I can do about it. I know it's not on the scale of some, but they will all be at high school together next year and there isn't an option to move, so I want to defuse it as best as possible and help DD be more resilient and realise some kids are just mean for no reason, which isn't a reflection on her. (I know she's not perfect, but she values friends highly, so wouldn't mistreat them herself. )

Thx for reading. Any advice welcome.

I'm so sorry, we've had these friendship issues over the years and it's heartbreaking.

Our son is in a trio friendship where there have been some 'three's a crowd' issues.

I'm not sure I can offer advice because it was largely sorted by organising sleepovers and coming around here a lot for all 3 of them. I stopped having one friend at a time because it caused problems.

I'm not sure that will help you though because thankfully the boys realised very quickly that they could have more fun together and they shouldn't leave one out but these 'friends' of your daughters seem more persistent and harder to get through to?

My daughter had similar, had a very tough time but long story short, after trying to iron out things with those girls ended up making a new friend (which is a much better friendship - has lasted during transition to secondary).

If I and/or school couldn't get them to all bond I'm afraid I would have to go back to the school. If your poor daughter is crying and not wanting to go to school they really need to know and could be helping.

If you think that friendship can't be mended (or wanted to - I'd understand if you think it's beyond that and your daughter deserves better friends) then maybe it's best to clue school in so they can change the seats so your daughter is with someone kind or like-minded and encourage a friendship there and certainly get her away from her friend who ignores her - that's horrible!

They could perhaps make the staff on playground duty aware too so they can keep an eye and perhaps facilitate new friendships alongside the teacher.

If there's anyone else your daughter thinks might be a good friend she might like to get to know better have her round and encourage that friendship and boost your daughters confidence.

It's a nightmare. If I had a £ for every "sometimes X forgets how to be a good friend" (disloyal little shit disco mix) talk I'd be a very rich woman!

Other than that keep doing what you're doing - keep talking - and listening - to your daughter and supporting her so she can put it in perspective and know it's not a reflection on her but a reflection on them and see how she thinks ^ the options above would go.

It's hard when they don't want you to do anything but explain that you won't do anything that makes her more unhappy but try to get through to her that she doesn't have to be unhappy at school, it can get better, that you and her teacher want to help her and between you you can make it better.

It's horrible watching them go through this but it won't always be like this. You'll both get through it! Take care and hope it gets better soon.

I had similar with my two eldest when they hit year 6. Lots of jealousy and exclusion and exclusivity. Both my kids had lots of friends but some friends only wanted them for themselves etc. They work it out in the end. Talk to her but she'll have to make her own mind up.

Ask the teacher to move her from sitting next to this ex friend, bully girl.
And make sure that the new friend isn't allowed to sit with bully girl or they will start whispering and turning to laugh at your Dd.
She's in that classroom for a lot of hours in the day, the teacher should be made aware of what is going on. She can help the matter.

I work in education. Yes this is low level bullying. We work out whether something is bullying by how often it happens. If it is repeated yes it is bullying.
However you can't force the friend to speak to your DD. It must be so stressful for her. Most schools have a learning mentor who mediate these incidents. I would go in to school for a chat.
I would also point out that moving schools is very stressful for some children so this may have knocked your DDs confidence in the short term.
You also say that DD likes to have a friend to herself which may have played a part in this and that's why she won't open up.
When there are three friends together this jostling for position often happens.
Anyway go into school and have a word you don't have to involve DD.

It is bullying a similar thing happened to me at school. When I started high school I had 2 groups of friends one from my area and one from my primary school. Basically the groups didn’t mix at first and I was torn. In the end I was isolated whilst they all met up. School said they couldn’t force children to be friends and didn’t intervene. I was miserable for years and nobody did anything to help.
Please force the school to do something either that or move her to a new school so she can start again before any long term damage is done to her.

Thank you everyone. I should prob have made it clear that when I spoke to DD I told her to speak to the teacher about moving seats, but I think she doesn't want to draw attention to herself, as they have already been told they will be changing seats in the new term. So she has a week of the old seating plan still to go. They get to choose themselves, so although she will be able to choose to sit with her other friend, these original two will no doubt sit together too, I'll just have to hope they don't do the whispering thing. I've been encouraging her to ignore them when she can at breaks and go elsewhere, but it must be so hard being sat with them all day. She has never been a jealous one friend only girl, no problems with others in a larger group and is very inclusive with others, but lacks confidence which is why she only tends to have one really close friend at a time... And which is why I find it hard to explain the mindset of this former best friend.

I'm seeing the teacher next week. Unless DD will speak out to her I doubt anything will change. She's scared of making things worse, which I understand. I'm hoping with a lack of response these other girls will lose interest and DD will make other friends and drift off, no harm done. The sooner I can get her into this mindset the better.

I'm v reluctant to move schools, because of the move she had two new schools in two years, which was v hard as she's a shy girl, and lacked confidence to approach ppl. Still does.

Good! At least she can sit with another friend and get away from the ignoring of her by thr

Sorry posted too soon!
Ignoring of her by the ex friend.

Hopefully, she can then leave those two, to it and make more friends in other groups.

One good thing OP, although it has been painful for her, when she comes through it all, it will give her resilience for the future.