21 year DS driving us nuts! Help

[Fixermum]

Our 21 yr DS has lost his job as he was more interested going clubbing and kept going to work late.
He has never really had friends and is desperate to have some meaning that trumps everything. The poeople he knows and meets tend to take advantage of him and it doesn’t normally end well.
He is making hardly any effort to get another job, not pulling his weight at home and has now told us he can’t contribute financially although he’s still going out.
We’ve tried putting a contract in place, don’t do his washing any more and don’t touch his room.
He's lying to us, avoiding us and we really can’t go on like this. He’s always on social media saying how unhappy he is but won’t go and see the doctor and refuses to discuss it.
It’s affecting home life badly and we’ve tried supporting, leaving him to it, treating him as an adult and family friends have also tried to help.

We’re at our wits end. Suggestions please!

I have no good suggestions. He is an adult. But he reminds me of my own son who is a little younger. He has low self esteem and he needs acknowledgement and recognition from friends who don't really value or respect him very much.

I think in your case, given that he is an adult, it might be feasible to tell him he is getting kicked out of the house. It's going to be very hard to do. But the bottom line is, unless he is saddled with responsibilities, he has no incentive to shape up, get a job, keep the job, and be driven to maintain a regular income.

If he keeps going on like this, the years will fly by really fast. Before he knows it, 10 years will fly by, he will be in his 30s , have no good education, no good job no good, income, and who knows what else is lurking in his life.

where is he getting the money from.. to go out ?

He’s saved really hard over the years as he wanted a deposit for a flat. I suspect he’s using that money which will of course eventually run out........

I completely agree. The challenge is that he has nowhere to go, is vulnerable (very slowly get learning disability but n firm diagnosis) and it literally would be makd or break. My DH and I have spoken about doing this often and have explored it with him and he wouldn’t be able to rent anywhere with not having a job as no landlord would take him which would mean he’d be sleeping on the floor of one of these ‘friends’ and potentially getting in to all sorts of difficulty. Whilst something has to give, this feels like a high risk strategy or maybe we’re being too protective/cautious?

He sounds really depressed and miserable.

I'd consider having a few sessions of counselling for myself, to talk through what my options were; I'd go to the GP and talk to them about my concerns for my son; I'd talk to him, being gentle and loving, and see if I could help in any way.

You could kick him out, but in my experience that will only drive him further down.