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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like I just don't matter

20 replies

NettlesAreEvil · 05/04/2018 20:59

Is there any point dating a man with children from a previous relationship?
I feel like I just don't matter at all.

Being a devoted father is one thing, but really, at the expense of all else? Every decision he makes is based entirely around them.
He has openly stated that there would be no point to his life without his children.
I have a child that I adore, but I try to take a balanced view - my life matters too. My child will not always be with me and I think it is healthier and better for both of us in the long run for me to have a life that doesn't revolve solely around my child.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit fed up about it? I just feel like an add-on. Am I being selfish to consider my own wishes as well as those of my child?
I really love him, but I am beginning to wonder if it is worth waiting years for all his kids to leave home, before he will maybe then begin to consider me as a real part of his life, rather than just an extra.

OP posts:

Sammysees · 05/04/2018 21:26

From bitter experience I would get out now. You will end up very resentful and I doubt for one minute that things will ever change. You are not being unreasonable to have a life for yourself as well as your child. In my opinion anyway. Does he have his children full time? How long have you been together?

2018Anon · 05/04/2018 21:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I have 2 children who I adore, and would do anything for. However, I also need time to myself and my own life. Its lovely that he is devoted Dad but he has to see you as an equal, not an add-on. I wouldn't put up with it to be honest, its not gonna get any better and why should you wait until his kids grow up?

bluebeck · 05/04/2018 21:51

How old are they? Do they live with him? What's the whole situation?

Poshsausage · 05/04/2018 21:54

Voice of bitter experience also here 9 years of a non relationship don’t waste your energy and emotions on someone who’s not available

I left him and got married and had two children I would still be waiting had I stayed
He’s still single 11 years on

Original poster

NettlesAreEvil · 05/04/2018 22:09

His children are in there teens and live with him half the time.
I think he tries to make up for not seeing them all the time, by being, in my opinion, overly devoted to them.
I cannot imagine that he was like this with his wife. Surely she mattered too when the kids were around?
As an example, if we are talking on the phone and one if his children gets home, he hangs up as fast as he can say goodbye, so as to not be losing time with his kids.

OP posts:

Namechanger1404 · 06/04/2018 00:42

I was with a man who obsessed over his kids. His wife had cheated and I think he wanted her to be seen as the bad guy, so desperate he was for their love and attention. I was at the bottom of the pile.

I also believe you have to have a balance.

We split, not just because of that but it was definitely a factor. I’d knock it on the head, I’m sure it’ll continue in adulthood.

Gemini69 · 06/04/2018 01:05

No... get out whilst you're not too invested ... you're already hurting...

lifebegins50 · 06/04/2018 01:09

Most behaviours have a "payoff" so I suspect he gets something from his devotion rather than being completely unselfish.

Upshot he is not available to you and its unlikely to change.It is not beneficial for his children to feel they are more important than anyone else and he is modelling unhealthy relationship patterns.

LadyTesticlee · 06/04/2018 05:14

What is the problem though if he is only with them part time? I wouldve thought this is ideal as he has child free days and nights ?

Anyway if the relatio isnt working just end it. Some dads will have the same approach as you some wont. Some childfree men may not understand that you have a child.

Original poster

NettlesAreEvil · 06/04/2018 07:29

The problem is that I don’t want to be just a part time girlfriend indefinitely.
I find it tough going from having intense time together to being brushed aside whenever his children come into the equation.

OP posts:

category12 · 06/04/2018 07:38

If it's not working for you, and making you feel like you don't matter, break it off. Don't stay hoping he'll change. This is what he's got to offer.

LadyTesticlee · 06/04/2018 07:44

I understand completely but youre not a full time girlfriend either .. you grow up you have baggage.. work,family and commitments. Maybe its the way he does it rather than having children.. either way you dont have to put up with it.
Realisticly if youre a parent you can never go back to just having your bf or gf as your whole world and if you can then you need your priorities checked IMHO.

bitzy12 · 06/04/2018 07:45

@NettlesAreEvil I get your point but in my honest opinion i also think it shows a lot about the person he is that he puts his kids first, I wouldn't expect anything less. There are plenty out there which just don't bother - these are the ones that I couldn't date. A man that just doesn't bother with his kids.

I do get what you mean and I'd have a chat with him about it, but a nice chat - don't make him feel bad for being the dad he is, that's only going to make you look jealous.

If you really can't handle it then you just need to leave. Relationships with dcs involved is hard. Everyone parents differently and it's hard to find someone who is on a similar wave length to you. I always see it as they've been a parent for much longer than I've known the person so I can't just walk in and expect them to be a different dad all of a sudden cos I'm suddenly in the picture.

I once dated a guy who always said he had a dd, after a few weeks he admitted he didn't have anything to do with her. I left it at that. I also dated a guy who had his dd constantly (his ex was abit s**t) and I also left, simply because he didn't have time for a relationship and he just wasn't in the right place for one. No hard feelings.

I'd just have a chat with how you feel and take it from there, if he can't compromise with you then fair enough, just walk away. But I wouldn't think bad of him for it.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 06/04/2018 07:47

YANBU to feel the way you do, but, crucially, neither is he. Tbph I would not want to be with a father who did not put his kids first. Just think of how many men (you only need to read threads on here) don't give a shit about their children. Would you prefer a man who was like that? Really?

I've not been in this situation, but where either party has kids I very much doubt you are going to be able to have the kind of 'intense' loved-up period you may have had if you weren't parents. It's a different stage of life.

He may also feel guilt about the break-up and be trying to assuage it by being a particularly attentive father.

If these children are in their teens and you felt this was a long-term thing, it really wouldn't be all that long before they were off living their own lives and you would have more time as a couple again. And seriously, as teens, how much time can they actually be around you now? I do suspect this is about you wanting to be demonstratively put first. It's fine for you to want that in a relationship, but if that's more important than the person of this man, then this is not the relationship for you.

swingofthings · 06/04/2018 07:47

I don't think there is any right or wrong. I met my OH when my kids were 6 and 9. Before that, I'd been separated for 5 years and they were my world.

Getting with my partner means that the dynamism changed a lot. I worked FT in a stressful job, so in the end, my time was limited and it was hard to give to everyone, including myself, the quality time everyone needed.

My kids are now 15 and 18. I'm happily married but I would say that the time I dedicated to my OH to build our relationship did cost some of my relationship with my kids. Things are ok and both are happy kids, but I don't have the same bond with them I'm sure I would have had if I'd remained single and sometimes, I feel like I've passed by something.

I accept that I did the best I could though and one day, both my kids will have their own family and hopefully, I'll enjoy my older days with my OH.

You're not unreasonable to be fedup, but it doesn't mean that your boyfriend is wrong. It's the choice he is making, however, you don't have to accept it.

LadyTesticlee · 06/04/2018 07:49

Op before i becane a parent i never dated dads because i knew id either come 2nd place or he would make me 1st which i felt was wrong. Now that im a parent i would only date other dads who are in touch with and have custody of their children.. because i would never be able to make a man my no.1. My children will always come first.

bitzy12 · 06/04/2018 08:09

Also, you don't mention how long you've been together? If it's years then I can sort of see your point more. If it's only months then you really have no right to be expecting him to change.

How long has he split from his wife? His dcs may have found that traumatic and he's very wary (and rightly so) of letting them know he's in a new relationship. He won't want to cause anymore upset. There could be other things going on that you don't know about (we all know how hard the teenage years can be, probably the worst years for introducing someone new if I'm honest) It can take dcs a very long time to adjust to parents separation, especially if they are older.

This is why you need to go careful with how you approach this. If you go in all guns blazing that you feel you don't matter etc, he's probably going to think 'well this person isn't right for my dcs or me'.

These are also things you need to consider.

Isetan · 06/04/2018 08:41

Our opinions mean squat. This is how he has chosen to conduct his relationship with you and his children, if you don’t like it, you have the option to leave.

Don't try to have a relationship with a possible future version of a person.

category12 · 06/04/2018 08:52

Don't try to have a relationship with a possible future version of a person.

This ^

VetOnCall · 06/04/2018 09:13

I dated someone who had 50/50 custody of their pre-school age child last year. It was the same thing - almost complete obsession with the child and overcompensation. Talking about them every 2 minutes when they weren't there and the world stopping every time the phone rang, and when they were there - which included every weekend - literally every second of the day from 6am - 7.30pm+ was devoted to their constant entertainment. He would leap out of bed the second they stirred and wouldn't even have a shower most days they were there because it meant not being available to cater to their every demand for 5 minutes. Even sending a text message on those days was out of the question. Absolutely his choice but it was far too much for me and I ended things between us. I don't have kids and I was the one doing all the running and compromising as he was so inflexible; it's his prerogative to parent how he likes and I wasn't trying to change it but it meant that the situation it left me/us in just wasn't good enough for me. He's stopped dating and said he imagines he'll stay alone until the child is grown up - I wished him all the best with that and got the hell out of dodge!

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