My fiance passed away

[poppyinbloom]

My fiance passed away suddenly and traumatically and I am so depressed. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I am very worried that I will never see him again and that there is no afterlife. I used to ask him if he believed in an afterlife.. I asked him maybe once or twice. He said it was a nice thought but he thought that when you die, that's it and you're just dead. It hurts so much. It is unbearable. Do you think I will see him again?

We had some ups and downs in our relationship. I was going to have to relocate to another country to be with him. I have been reading our old texts and emails. I can't believe he is gone. I am grasping for him. I feel so lost. He was only 25. It feels so wrong that his life was cut short so abruptly. Most people in my life don't understand sudden and traumatic loss. They think I should be able to pick up the pieces and move on by now. It's been 2 months. I've found out he lied about many things. He was never unfaithful, I'm not talking about that kind of lie. But big lies about various things... it makes it so hard to understand various aspects of his life now and I feel so lost. So alone.

Sorry for your loss. Could you speak to your GP to see about some counselling if you have PTSD? Do you have close friends you can speak to? Xx

So sorry to hear this, the grief will fade over time. In answer to your question about the afterlife,I never believed, but when my Gran was dying she started having conversations with my late Grampy and she said he'd come to collect her.

I've already had counseling which is where I was diagnosed. My friends don't understand what I'm going through. They're married or with small children. They have all the things I wanted. It feels like my dreams have been robbed from me and his life was robbed from him. I have guilt that I'm still here and his life was cut short. I will never understand how or why this had to happen. I just want to know that I will see him again. And I don't want to move on or ever be with someone else. I would feel like I'm cheating on him. His family has been nasty toward me since he died... I don't really want to go into detail but they read our private emails. I have been feeling so violated. His computer contained so much private info about our relationship. It is so painful on top of all the grief. He wouldn't have wanted any of this.

It's been hardly any time. Get some bereavement counselling. I believe in an afterlife, but that's all, I don't know for sure. You will get used to living with the pain and in time you will be able to think of a memory of your fiancé with warmth and not pain. Time isn't a great healer, it helps you leave the heartbreak behind and keep just the good memories.

You don't need to worry about the future. Take one day at a time. I think your feelings are part of the grieving process. Don't think about his family's opinions. It's just an opinion not the truth.

I think for trauma counselling often isn‘t enough.

Find a properly trained trauma therapist.
2 months is nothing in terms of grief, by anyone‘s standard.
People telling you to move on are cruel and ignorant.

The email thing is bad, but can‘t be changed.
You will in time feel less raw and horrible, but you can‘t rush it.

I‘m sorry for your loss.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I too lost my fiancee suddenly when we were both just 21 and I promise you only 2 months in, everything you are feeling is absolutely normal and much as i hated (and still dislike) the expression time is a healer, the unbearable pain will lessen.

Now I look back at our time together, glad for what we had and hope that he is at peace. I don't think you will ever get over the injustice of someone passing away so young but I hope you will reach the stage one day when you realise your life should not stop because his has and he would want for your life to continue and for you to find happiness and contentment.

Peoples reactions to your grief is cruel and mired in their ignorance, I faced the same and lost a lot of friendships to it and I'm sorry for what you're facing with his family. It sounds absolutely awful.

You asked whether you will ever see him again? I have been asking myself that question for the past 5 years and have found the best answer for myself was to hope he is at peace and that there is an afterlife where he could be living the life that was cut short here. It may be a form of self comfort but there is nothing wrong with that and right now just focus on whatever brings you comfort. And i promise you, it will get better! I was reclusive at 2 months in and the pain was unbearable, but now almost 5 years on I am engaged to a man equally as amazing and truly happy in my life.

I wish you all the best

I’m sorry about your fiancé op

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I don’t believe in an ‘afterlife’ but I do believe in time and space we continue to live. That is, many lightyears away, those who have died in our time are still living or yet to be born from the view of another solar system. We all continue to live after we die. We are all still alive from the windows of stars and planets many lightyears away.

I haven’t explained that very well but I hope you get the gist of what I am saying. It has brought my comfort when loved ones have passed. And of course we are all star dust, we are all recycled into other beings. There is a little Shakespeare in all of us, I think they say. I really recommend A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, if you feel able to read at the moment. It explains the concept well.

Re the big lies, I’m sure he had his reasons. I’m very secretive about lots of things in my life - things that people would consider big lies were they to discover them when I die. We all tell lies about ourselves, big and small. What’s important is that you loved each other.

Take good care of yourself.