Parents not interested in wedding...complicated by narc mother

[Missfelipe]

I don’t know if anyone has any words of wisdom but I feel down and need a good moan. DP and I are getting married early next year, we are paying for the whole wedding which was a deliberate choice due to the batshit crazy stunts my folks pulled during my older sisters wedding planning. We figured ‘no pay no say’ was the way to go to avoid inferring and drama. Oh boy were we wrong but in the opposite way...my younger sister has recently got engaged and plans to marry in two and a half years time. I am very excited for her and her future hubby. She is accepting money from my folks and is including them in planning, fair play, her choice. All I here about now from my folks is about THE wedding, not ‘your sisters wedding’, THE wedding. I get they are excited but our wedding is imminent and if we even mention it they ignore us and change the topic of conversation. I even said I would be looking at dresses soon and my mother never even blinked.

As parents I realised recently that they never call me, I always call them....they don’t ask about my work or what I have been doing. Mum is always having a ‘bad’ day, everything is always about how it affects her and my dad. During my older sisters wedding planning it was all about them, the VIP guests and the strops they pulled were never ending. Examples include my NM saying the second most important female at a wedding was MOB, demanding to process down the aisle and falling out with sis as she had the audacity to buy her veil without her presence. She also slagged the details of the wedding off to anyone who would listen so I’m keen to keep this sort of thing to myself where our wedding is concerned.

Other half says we should just get on with it and not tell them anything as they clearly are being disinterested to spite us including getting my dress but I can see the inevitable shit storm brewing when pre wedding they complain they don’t know anything. Can I win? Am I damned if I do damned if I don’t? Anyone with similar experiences?

Ignore the moans and do your thing, that's why you're paying for it yourself (so your mum can't interfere)

Isn't it sad, one of the most important days of your life and you just want your parents to be interested and happy for you. I do feel for you because al we want is their acceptance.

Good luck, try and enjoy your day no matter what. It is about you and future hubby. Bugger he rest.

I just hate that their interest comes at a price...that they can’t be happy for us and interested without causing a fuss. They seem to think having a say with being involved. Because we are not letting them have a say they are not ‘involved’ 😔

Sorry to be blunt but you can’t have your cake and eat it.
You are hoping contrary to all evidence that your parents are suddenly going to become normal and reasonable human beings. I sympathise because I understand that there will always be a little girl inside wanting her parents to love and support her the way she needs them to. But there should also be an adult woman realising that it just ain’t gonna happen.
You made a wise decision to pay for it yourself and decline their money and interference. This is the direct result. They are “punishing” you for putting the boundary in place but they are certainly respecting it. That’s a good thing!
Talk about the wedding with people who are supportive and excited for you. And adjust your expectations of your parents.

There are a couple of books I’d recommend, btw. One is ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ (which I’ve read) and the other is ‘Toxic Parents’ (which I haven’t read but see recommended on here all the time).

You know she is counting on you feeling like this don’t you? This is just another punishment for not doing it her way.

Have a read of toxic parents.

You will remember your wedding day for the rest of your life - whether Its good or bad it’s actually totally down to you

You need to cut that tie where you still seek approval of them. You don’t. Prepare yourself for all kinds of fuckery and of tbry get nasty - just tell them not to come.

At your wedding purposely avoid them. Be with your guests. People only treat you as you allow them too.

I have similar issues with mil. But honestly the problem is theirs so fuck them.

Two adults making their daughter feel unhappy about her wedding. AVOID them

AnotherEmma - I know, I’m normally quite wise to their nonsense and usually their behaviour just goes over my head but I guess with this being such a big life event it’s more of a big deal.

Quietlife1979 - great advice, I witnessed them in full fuckery mode at my sisters wedding so this seems like a good way around them.

Having a similar mother and watching what happened at my bros wedding I was happy that she wasn’t interested.

While it would have been nice if she actually cared , that is never going to happen, doesnt even caring about her grandchildren, so I had to accept that her not caring was the best possible scenario. Because the alternative would be absolutely awful.

While it is hard, accept this is the best you are going to get and enjoy the peace.

My narc M made my wedding day all about her. She wore a plain cream outfit (my dress was cream) and I spent 20 minutes in full bridal dress, veil and make up crawling round my childhood house on my hands and knees desperately looking everywhere (including under beds etc) for a necklace she had planned to wear and had managed to lose overnight. My DF was explaining to me she was very upset as women wear these things and now your DM has nothing to wear. I then had to apologise to my DM for getting upset with her for causing this commotion half an hour before my wedding was due to start. Then I had to reassure my DF as we got to the venue as he was very nervous and felt sick! And then one of her VIP guests was late and missed the service which was the first thing my DM ran over to tell me when we got to the reception venue. I could go on....
Do your wedding your way, spend your time with supportive loving friends and guests and have a wonderful, wonderful day
Toxic parents will find a way to make it all about them if you let them in, don’t!

You have my sympathies OP. Unfortunately your Mum is deliberately trying to punish you for not including her. But, based on what you have said, not including her is definitely the way forward. Brush it off the best you can, and have an amazing day. You will be surrounded by friends and (other) family that only want the best for you and will be genuinely supportive. I had a similar thing happen which is a long and boring story. But the upshot is, I did my wedding my way, paid for my me and my OH and it was great. I am beholden to no-one, was dictated to my no-one, and look back on it without thinking that I made lots of compromises to please everyone but myself. I am proud that I took not one penny from my family to have a wedding that was about me and my DH. Treat her like any other guest, and have low expectations about her behaviour up to and including the wedding. Your OH is right about that. And the day is about you and him after all. The other stuff is not really important.

Don't invite them - problem solved. I'm being flippant but it is an option.

You can't change them. And you made a good decision to pay for it yourself. So reap then benefits and stop feeling guilty.

MissFelipe

"You are hoping contrary to all evidence that your parents are suddenly going to become normal and reasonable human beings".

This above comment of AnotherEmma's is spot on; many adult children of narcissists fall into the same trap despite their own experiences to the contrary. You're still wanting their approval on some level, approval that they will never give you.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours seems to be now one of scapegoat with your sister and her wedding taking precedence. You have been wise indeed to refuse all offers of money; such is never given in such families without a whole heap of obligation or other conditions attached.

I would second the book recommendations and also have a read of the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website. You may also want to read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. I would also suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina W Brown as this is specifically about adult children of narcissists and their narcissistic parents.

You need to realise fast if you have not already done so that it is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. Your dad cannot be at all relied upon either as he is really her hatchet man here. He is a weak man too and her enabler; women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

I would also advise you that if you and your H become parents in future, you will need to keep your children well away from all your family of origin. Your children will be harmed in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been mistreated.

It is not your fault that your mother and father are the ways they are; you did not make them that way. Their own families of origin did that to them.

I agree that their disinterest is a good thing. Instead of feeling a stab in the heart, change that to a little smile to yourself. You are winning this one... but you have to take the long view to see it.

And thank your sister...after your wedding day. Without her event presenting a distraction, your biological originators (can’t really call them parents) would be plotting and planning all sorts against you and your wedding.

I actually agree with not inviting them. It seems they might decline an invite anyway, so be prepared for that -water/duck/back.

Is your sister a flying monkey? Will she feed your parents details about your wedding leaving you open to snide comments about it? You may need to restrict the involvement of your sister- just bare bones info if she is to be a part of it- and explain why you can’t talk about it with her that much.

Sorry to go on- but please consider Attila’s clue towards the future regarding any future children you might have. Wedding crap will be small potatoes compaired to the grandkids battleground. Start as you mean to go: detaching from your parents now will save you tons of anguish when your dc come along. I know all the grandparent relationship with your dc rose tinted visions of happiness present a lot of pressure to “try”. But you already know in your heart that isn’t going to be the reality for you or your future dc. Spare yourself the drill. Spare your future dc those headfuckery lessons of your mum poisoning them against you with materialistic manipulations.

You are strong. You have the measure of them and are aware. Don’t make eye contact, back away slowly.