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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

NC with parents WWYD

20 replies

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 05/04/2018 19:18

Hi All,

I am really struggling. I have had to go NC with my parents because I am seriously struggling with their reactions to my brothers sexual abuse of me as a child. They are minimising my brothers actions and struggling not to advocate for him at every turn which is driving me absolutely crazy with hurt. However they are also ill with the stress of it all which is pretty awful too. I just cannot get my head around the situation but I know I cannot keep trying to change their minds as it is making me ill too.

It is a total head fuck. What happens now.

OP posts:

TM71 · 05/04/2018 19:32

I cut my parents out of my life as hey would not apologise for my uncle abusing me and knowing about it.

In the end I stopped communicating, of course I care about them but it is not worth all he heartache I was going through.

zebrano · 05/04/2018 19:35

Sorry to hear your situation. I'm recently NC with my emotionally abusive alcoholic father and while it is a relief it has also been very painful and I'm bouncing from one emotion to another. So I really feel for you, I've been reading a lot about it feeling like grief for the parent(s) they should have been, but they aren't.

Your parents minimising what your brother did is not ok and going NC is totally understandable. Have you recently told about the abuse or have they been aware for a while?

Also, have you ever had counselling to try and work through your trauma?

Original poster

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 05/04/2018 20:08

How long have you been NC TM71? Mine has been more off than on for 4 months but now I am done.

Zebra I told them about the abuse many years ago but they haven’t processed it and now we know there have been more victims and they are still at the same shit and it is driving me absolutely crazy.

I am having counselling.

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 05/04/2018 21:00

Pink, I'm glad you're having counselling. You do need all the support you can get.

It's awful that your parents are minimising and denying the abuse you suffered from your brother. Absolutely awful. I know they're in a difficult situation because they love both of you: but still. They should support you, and give you help, and they won't.

I've been no-contact with my parents for nearly five years now, and it does get easier (especially with the help of a good counsellor). Try to remember that you're NC with them in order to protect yourself, and it gets a little easier.

Original poster

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 05/04/2018 22:27

Thanks OnTheRise it is just so emotionally draining. Even going NC is taking its toll.

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 06/04/2018 08:10

Pink, it's very difficult. But if they can't or won't treat you with respect and love, and if they continue to abuse you and deny what happened, it is the best way to proceed. Keep up with the counselling and stand your ground.

Lizzie48 · 06/04/2018 12:11

I really feel for you, @PinkbicyclesinBerlin it's a horrible position to be in.

I was similarly abused by my brother as a child, as was my DSis. It's more complicated in our situation as he was a victim of abuse too, as my abusive father was part of a paedophile ring. (He himself abused my DSis and me though not my brother.)

My brother has serious MH issues now, and there's no evidence that he's ever abused anyone as an adult. But my DM has minimised his role and wants us to see him only as a victim. So when the police were investigating her only concern wasn't for DSis and me but whether he would go to prison because he wouldn't cope.

We're low contact with both my brother and my DM, virtually NC with my brother, because we both have young DCs and also can't face being around him. (My father died 20 years ago thankfully.)

You're welcome to PM me if you think it could help.

Original poster

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 07/04/2018 12:25

Really struggling today. Found out my DM has been trying to emotionally blackmail DSIL to let DB have contact with the kids. All that we hear from counsellors and the police is the risk he poses, he has been an ongoing menace to women all his life and still DPs cannot see beyond him to anybody else’s wellbeing. Not the children, not his victims.

It is just so utterly frustrating. You objectively know what they are trying to do is sooo wrong, yet they keep doing it and then try at the same time to say they are on the victims side. I have also decided that I am not going to engage about them with DH for a while because he needs a break from the madness for a while.

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 07/04/2018 13:35

Found out my DM has been trying to emotionally blackmail DSIL to let DB have contact with the kids

Your sister in law should stop engaging with her. Then there wouldn't be this problem. But do you know what? No matter what your mother or sister in law do, it is not your problem. Not yours to worry about, or do anything about, or get involved in. Do not engage with either of them on this. Then it will get easier for you. It's their choice to behave this way, you don't have to join in.

I have also decided that I am not going to engage about them with DH for a while because he needs a break from the madness for a while.

I would stop engaging with them about anything. Let them get on with their lives, and you get on with yours. They're not going to change, and you can't make them do anything different. The only thing you can control is how you behave: and as they're behaving so badly, the only way you can protect yourself is to walk away.

It's hard. But it's easier than trying to cope with all the ways they've found to abuse you.

Original poster

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 07/04/2018 14:09

So true OntheRise to be fair DSIL has zero intention of letting DB see the kids, it is my parents constant need to advocate for him I struggle with. But you are right I need to disengage. It is the enormity of that disengagement I am struggling with. All other ways of being these have been good parents but when the chips are really down they have stepped into this minimising bubble which I cannot cope with. They have always been traditional —misogynistic— and the type to never deal with anything head on and that aspect of their culture has completely taken over in this. Sorry I know I am repeating myself but it is so frustrating. With DH it is just that he has been at the coalface of this trying to get them to accept what has happened and that is why I need to pull back from having any discussions with him.

OP posts:

TM71 · 07/04/2018 14:18

Hi OP it has been 2 yrs now and honestly and I am sad to say it I don't miss my dad, my mom passed away years ago and actually apologised on her death bed for being a bad parent.

You will find it difficult because we are raised to respect our parents but there comes a time when it is best for your own health.

Original poster

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 07/04/2018 14:39

Aw TM i am so so sorry, I can absolutely imagine that you get to a point where you just make peace with it all and therefore just don’t miss them anymore. I really, really hope that happens for me too. I am sorry to hear about the ending with your DM it is so sad.

we are raised to respect our parents

Yes that is so much part of the struggle, I had huge regard for them but it is all falling away because they can’t and won’t face up to this. FFS it is not that I don’t want them to see him ever again, but at the moment with them continuously minimising his actions, which are at the absolute grossest end of the scale towards their DDs I just can’t accept their lack of ability to take it in and then their constant need to defend him and advocate for him. It is hurtful and you are all right it is abuse of their daughters themselves.

OP posts:

MissP103 · 07/04/2018 15:36

Hi op. I went NC with my dm recently. It really was a long time coming. I've reached a point of realisation about alot of things. Just because she gave birth to me does not mean that I owe her anything, not my loyalty, sanity or respect. She wasn't a good mother at all so I don't owe her the privilege of being a part of my life.
Now that I've made my decision it makes me feel more peaceful. I'm sorry that you are going through this. X

Lizzie48 · 07/04/2018 15:54

I agree with what OnTheRise has said, @PinkbicyclesinBerlin your DSIL should just disengage from your DM altogether, she sounds toxic. You'll all find it so much easier once she's no longer in your ear constantly.

I'm low contact with my DM, but I've found that now I've disengaged from her, and just don't call her anymore, and been firmer about boundaries with her, life is so much easier.

OnTheRise · 07/04/2018 15:54

With DH it is just that he has been at the coalface of this trying to get them to accept what has happened and that is why I need to pull back from having any discussions with him.

He shouldn't be trying to get them to accept anything, and neither should you. Decide how you're going to behave; tell them; do it.

If they start minimising, tell them you're not prepared to listen to them make excuses for him, and leave.

If they start pressuring you to see him, tell them you're not going to, and it's not up for discussion, and if they persist, leave.

Present a united front with your DH. Stop discussing it with them, and just enforce your boundaries.

It does get easier, I promise.

Original poster

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 08/04/2018 00:08

My father has been taken ill tonight. My sister contacted me to let me know. He has basically never been ill a day in his life and he headed off to the doctor tonight, absolutely never happens, it is definitely stress. I am absolutely shitting myself. The whole thing is just so stressful.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 08/04/2018 07:43

Just be ware that faking sickness is a classic technique.

He may actually be true, but there is a chance it has been fabricated.

If you engage. Keep conversation to the illness and practicalities. Don’t engage with anything else

OnTheRise · 08/04/2018 09:30

Just be ware that faking sickness is a classic technique.

It definitely is.

My mother has faked a good few strokes and heart attacks when she wasn't getting her own way. She has spent a few week-long spells in hospital when there was nothing wrong with her.

OP, please try not to worry. It won't help, even if your father really is ill.

Original poster

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 08/04/2018 10:04

No he is definitely ill, DSIL has no skin in the game on this and she is the one telling Dsis and me. She was visiting them. The whole stress of the situation has been immense on them and it is definitely not put on. It is just shit.

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 08/04/2018 10:41

I'm so sorry to hear this, @PinkbicyclesinBerlin of course this is upsetting as, despite everything, we love our parents at the end of the day.

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