Exh is going off the rails

[Ohlellykelly]

I have been divorced from exh, my dcs dad, for 9 years. He is a narcissistic, everything he does points to this. I have finally got to a point where although he infuriates me, I don't really care what he says or does.

However we have children together and they go to stay with him on weekends, they like doing this for a few reasons - they love exh girlfriend and her ds, they live in a town whereas I live in a rural area, and occasionally they may do something fun with their df.

Recently though things have started to go downhill. Exh has an issue with drinking, he cannot handle his drink, he gets snippy with the dc when he gets drunk. He will not listen to anyone when he's reasoned with. He has been known to drink drive, not with dc in the car but has been disqualified four times, facing a fifth time after a court summons.

The dc are all teenagers and deal with him in different ways. My youngest ds was due to go to visit today and chose not to, he cried over the fact his dad is bound to drink and turn on them.

I will never force them to go there. But they are torn.

How can I make him see that he's being awful. His gf text me today and apologized for my ds feeling upset about exh behaviour. She herself cannot stop him

What can I do?

Nothing. Is the answer. Your children are teenagers and can make their own choices. You just have to be there to support your children when they realise their father is a jerk

Listen to them when they are upset. Tell them yes its shit but its not their fault. Contact the girlfriend and see if she can engineer contact(without ex if necessary) with he and and other family members they wouldnt get to see otherwise.

It might be worth getting them some support from Al Anon. This is the group that helps the families of alcoholics.

I think it will help them to learn their feelings are not unusual and to detach from his behaviour, and ultimately from him. You can't make your ex see reason, he will make his own choices. But you can make sure your dc have all the support they can have in what comes next.

Thank you everyone. Now they are older they can make their own decisions.

tribpot great idea about Alanon, will talk to them about this.

Sorry Al Anon

Definitely ask your DC to read up about Adult Children of Alcoholics (read up on it yourself too) I am one myself and unfortunately we do tend to develop characteristics as a result of being around the alcoholic parent. It causes kids to grow up to be people pleasers and co-dependents which can be detrimental. In my case I've allowed my addicted dad to treat me terribly over the years which ended in a breakdown this year. I've been programmed by my childhood that I must keep the peace always and not have emotions of my own.

Also, always tell them that they cannot change the addict, that the addict has to change themselves.

I hadn't really seen it from that point of view. I want to keep the effects on my dc minimal.

It's taken me a long time to see that I can't reason with him, and although I've been telling my dd that she can't change him so she needs to change her reaction to him, I had never had any evidence to back that up.

So glad I asked on here, I feel more positive and have practical tips to move forward with. So thank you all.

I googled and discovered there's an organisation called National Association for Children of Alcoholics which sounds good.

It's sad that there should be this type of support available for children. I need to find the right time to sit with my dd and show her that link, she needs it most as she's 13 and struggles with hormones and emotions without dealing with her dad.

Thanks again tribpot

Thank goodness your DC don't have to live with him full time, hopefully this should minimise what they are exposed to. And well done you for not burying your head in the sand.

I've recently read this book Perfect Daughters, for adult daughters of Alcoholics. I can recommend it, even though your DC are still young it's always good to educate yourself on the subject as I've found people don't really talk about it.

www.amazon.co.uk/Perfect-Daughters-Adult-Alcoholics/dp/1558749527?tag=mumsnetforum-21

zebrano will order that book tonight. Thank you for being open and sharing your experience to help someone else. Parent's actions can have such long lasting effects on children, I only wish exh could understand that.