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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband won't leave

25 replies

SomeoneElse83 · 05/04/2018 17:48

have got myself in a bit of a pickle and can't find a solution. I have two lovely children and a husband who I met abroad. We have been through a lot of moving around and paperwork in order to get us both able to live in the same country legally. After all this we have realised we don't actually get along, we have nothing in common and don't like spending time together. The kids are 2 and 5 so it would clearly affect them if we were to separate, not to mention the risk of him being deported if we aren't together as in his sponsor in the uk. I can't seem to find a way to keep everyone's happy and the kids in contact with their dad. He's from a very poor country with very little jobs so if he was to move back there it's very likely he wouldn't be able to support us financially, nor would he afford the flights over to visit. I never want my kids to be without their dad and I wouldn't want him to be without them either.
I have recently told him I want to separate but instead of sitting down and discussing it he simply says that he won't leave, and if I leave he will follow me.
What does my next step need to be? Is there any free legal advice that I'm entitled to? I can't afford to be paying solicitors fees.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:

Poshindevon · 05/04/2018 19:11

Your husband is the father of British children and does not need to leave the UK if you seperate.
What he does need to do is see a good immigration lawyer. Your DH can switch categorises to remain in the UK as the parent of British children. There are charities that can advise your husband.He should ask around in his community or go on the OISC website.
I know you are unhappy but the prospect of going back to his home country and losing his children must be terrifying.When you were in love with him you were desperate to bring him to the UK now you have fallen out of love you want to throw him out. He is a human being but because he does not have a British passport he has no rights.
How much longer does he have to wait to get his ILR?

Original poster

SomeoneElse83 · 05/04/2018 21:04

Thank you for your reply Poshindevon, I'd like him to stay in England but he is refusing to leave the house. He won't move out and he refuses to discuss it. He isn't aiming for ILR, he came here under Surinder Singh and has 3 years of his 5 years temporary visa left. He is eligible to apply for a visa that retains his right of residence but he's refusing to do it. He's forcing us to stay together in this house regardless of the affect it has on me and the children. He isn't independent, he can't read or write English and has never lived on his own. He isn't capable of living alone in this country as he hadn't made the effort to immerse himself in the culture and learn how it all works. I've offered to help him with anything he needs at any time but he's not accepting my help, he's just pretending everything is fine when it's not. He will not seek advice, his English is so poor that he would need a translator which he isn't willing to get. He's asked me to put him on a plane home, which I can see as our only option really.

OP posts:

Gide · 05/04/2018 23:07

Then put him on the plane, but I f the house is in both your names, you cannot make him leave.

Poshindevon · 06/04/2018 00:39

gide we are talking about a himan being not a parcel.
As your husband has an EEA family residence visa he can remain in the UK until you divorce and then he can claim retained right of residence.If you dont divorce he can stay here but live at another address.
You are partially responsible that your husband cannot speak English you, chose to marry him, have children with him and bring him to live in the UK and then did not encourage him to speak English or have any independance when he first arrived and all was green in the garden. Does your husband not work.
Now you blame him and say he does not care about the affect on you and the children because he is still living in the house. What about how he feels.
You are not as innocent as you make out in this. The Surinder Singh route is not easy but you made it happen
You married a less educated man from a poor country and now your mistake has come home to roost you want to put him on a plane like throwing out the rubbish.
How do you communicate if he cant speak English?
You need to find a way through this

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 01:12

You cannot be compelled to keep living in the same house as this man, and he has no right to 'follow' you once you have decided the relationship is over. Yes, you probably made a mistake in marrying him, but if he's an arsehole then you have every right to end the marriage. He is an adult, and as such he can fend for himself. I suggest you look into what charities or support organisations exist for people in his position (limited English etc) and put him onto them.

Northernparent68 · 06/04/2018 01:25

Woe betide a man who wrote a post like this.theres something unpleasant about marrying people from poor countries and then dumping them when they’ve served their purpose.

blaaake · 06/04/2018 02:03

He seems like an arse. Do you own your home? I'm not sure what he's expecting to happen but if he's not interested in being in the country except to leach off you then I think the best thing to do would be to shove him on his plane as he wishes.

CiderwithBuda · 06/04/2018 03:11

What were you hoping would happen when he got here? Was he planning on learning English and getting a job? Did you assume he would?

Did he have any plans other than just getting a visa?

Poshindevon · 06/04/2018 11:21

He seems like an arse, put him on a plane, he is an adult he can fend for himself. The man hating on this site is vile.
Put yourself in his shoes your in a foreign country, taken by your husband, you are not educated and cannot speak the language,have no friends or relatives and have two children you may never see again and your husband wants to kick you out because he is fed up with you.
On this site its ok to do that because the person being dumped is a male.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 11:30

Not necessarily. It's fine to end a relationship that is not working - either this man is a lazy cocklodger or he's abusive, by the sound of it. OP does not owe him the rest of her life and it sounds like she's trying to do the right thing for everyone.

(Also, it's hardly unheard of for people, particularly young males, to 'court' wealthy - or comparatively wealthy - tourists in order to get a visa and a better lifestyle, only to start treating their partner with indifference, contempt or worse once they have got what they wanted.)

Poshindevon · 06/04/2018 11:43

reanimated this man has not got what he wanted. Your right foreign men often court women with money. I dont think the OP is in this category. There are more people who dump their foreign spouses once the rosey glow has worn off.
To obtain a Surinder Singh visa the OP and her husband had to live together in another EU country before they came to the UK.
It is very common for people who marry someone from abroad who is less educated to "baby" the foreign partner. I believe this is what has happened here.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 12:14

The main thing is: OP wants rid of her husband. She's entitled to end the relationship. No one is obliged to stay with a partner who is not satisfactory. This is why my advice was to look for support services who can help the man find his feet - English lessons, a job, somewhere to live etc. If he won't engage with any such thing, then that's his problem: he doesn't get to leech off OP indefinitely, against her wishes. And if he has been physically aggressive (no idea, OP doesn't mention it) then she can definitely chuck him out and not worry about him.

Cricrichan · 06/04/2018 16:40

But he does work, right? Would he rather move back to his country if he's not in a relationship with you?

He has to be an adult and if he doesn't want to stay if not with you then that's his choice.

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 17:54

How did you expect him to survive in a country where can't read or write the language.

You can get him to enrol in literacy classes. He needs to be employable st some point. Try and make this non negotiable.

You could be exceedingly sneaky... act like all is well. Book a holiday to his home country yo visit his family for all of you .. and return with the kids. To pull this off you need to be very convincing for a long while otherwise he'll smell a rat.

Then you can figure out how to ensure he maintains a relationship with the DC.

Is he the primary carer?

I'm not sure if you own or rent....

Poshindevon · 06/04/2018 22:59

sandyY2K what a dreadful thing to suggest to sneakily go on a family holiday to his home country then leave him behind.
Do you know how many women this happens to every year and who never see their children again because they are poor and dont have a UK passport.
Yes leave a marriage relationship if your unhappy but the OP married this man knowing his lack of language skills etc and now she doesnt want him any more she wants to put him out like the rubbish and people on this forum think its ok.
If the roles were reversed and a man wrote the original thread you would be up in arms.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 23:25

Posh are you really suggesting that people should be compelled to stay with partners who they no longer like or respect, or who are leeching off them, bullying them, or behaving in other ways which make them unsatisfactory, just because the unsatisfactory partner is poor?

SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 00:08

Posh he can't survive in this country on his own. Her options are limited. He would have his family in his own country.

I can't imagine having a spouse unable to read or write. Marrying him ...was a bad idea...because he would never be able to support himself...here.

It can't be a life sentence.

I also said she needs to facilitate the relationship between him and the kids.

It's a crap situation...but it's not healthy to continue this way.

OP.... When you say he won't leave. Where do you expect him to go? Is he to live on the streets and start begging.

Unless he can become literate in English...the best option is for him to go to his home country.

I'm really not a fan of bringing a spouse over ..who will be fully dependant on you...with no means of being able to support themselves.... or live as an adult.
That applies to both genders.

Marrying someone you barely know...is a recipe for disaster. Add kids to the mix and it's just awful.

My Dsis friend had a similar problem. Her husband went back to his country...but she pays for him to visit the UK every year to see their sons. This will continue till the youngest is 18.

This is cheaper than her and the 2 boys going over there... which would be flights and hotel.

Poshindevon · 07/04/2018 06:37

ReanimatedSGB I am not suggesting people be compelled to stay in a relationship.
I just find the attitude on here really bad toward the OPs husband.
Please read my posts no where does it say they should be forced to stay to gether.
The OPs opening line was that she had got herself in a pickle. She bought this man here, knowing his limitations and then failed to help him to integrate.
She bought him here so I think that she has a responsibility to sort this problem out amd not just whinge about it.
I note that the OP has not botherd to respond.

LotsOfSlats · 07/04/2018 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SomeoneElse83 · 07/04/2018 07:45

My oh my what a mistake it was posting on here for advice. I’m not sure why, but I was expecting some pointers of a good legal advice, not a bunch of opinionated gossips who don’t actually know the whole situation. Thank you for judging, thank you for assuming I didn’t know him when I married him, and thank you for making me realise there are a lot of worse off people than myself!

Poshindevon, you seem to be quite clued up in terms of immigration law. But the rest of your posts were absurd!

No I’m not being bullied, no he’s not leeching off of me, no he isn’t unemployed and has in fact worked full time since we got here.

I’m not even going to read all the posts on this thread as the ones I did have a skim over were shocking!

I’ll be deleting this thread in the near future, so quick, get your say in now!!

OP posts:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/04/2018 07:51

Put yourself in his shoes your in a foreign country, taken by your husband, you are not educated and cannot speak the language,have no friends or relatives and have two children you may never see again and your husband wants to kick you out because he is fed up with you.
On this site its ok to do that because the person being dumped is a male

Totally this ^

He must be past himself with worry. I can't understand though, why he has never bothered even try to learn English. He has know you at least six years. How long has he been in England? Have you discouraged him from "immersing himself" in the culture or has he not bothered/had the confidence to do so?

I feel very sorry for you both TBH - neither of you can be happy.

Gottokondo · 07/04/2018 08:18

I agree that you should be able to divorce but you do say strange things. You say that you knew him when you married (last post) but only now realise that you have nothing in common (first post). You have been narried for years so that's a bit strange. It also sounds like you made decisions without thinking about the future. I could be wrong but that is how you come across in these posts. I do realise that someone can sound very different in tgeir writing style than in real life.

I think you need some legal advice. You might want to give him a realistic ultimatum in which he can arrange his visa before you divorce. You say he works fulltime so he should be able to take care of himself financially.

Gottokondo · 07/04/2018 08:19

Oh and if he doesn't use his time wisely than that's his choice, make that very clear. Ultimately he will have to make his visa happen.

andyandapril · 07/04/2018 08:23

Go and see a Solicitor. Their advice is free. Take it from there. Haven’t read all the replies to this thread so unsure if you have already been advised of this.

Goosegrass · 07/04/2018 08:31

I imagine OP speaks his language?

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