Husband’s very active social life

[LadyIzzy]

I’m a first time poster looking for some advice.

A few years ago I moved countries to be with my now husband. I have a good career here and enjoy my job but I lack my own social circle and am entirely dependent upon my husband when it comes to socialising outside of work. We don’t have any children yet, but I did recently go through a miscarriage which I am just starting to come to terms with. I am 28 and enjoy having a few drinks on a Friday after work but am not a big drinker.

Anyway, my husband has always been very sociable and enjoys going for drinks after work regularly. When I first moved here this is something we did together but over the past year or so it has somehow moved more towards my husband going out with his friends and I go straight home after work as I need to cook dinner and prepare for classes the next day (teacher).

It is not unusual for him to be out until 1/2am 2-3 times a week. This makes me feel quite lonely sometimes and I have explained this to him but I get the impression that, even though he apologises and says he understands, he thinks I’m being unreasonable. I say this because I have mentioned it several times and the next week the same thing happens.

I don’t mind him going out with his friends for a couple of drinks once or twice a week but don’t see why it has to be until the early hours of the morning and if we still went for a meal, to the cinema or for a drink together at the weekends too but we rarely do.

Perhaps if I had my own social circle I wouldn’t be so bothered by it but i have found it difficult to make friends here as I am quite shy and in all honesty, the culture for women here isn’t really to socialise once they are married.

I guess I’m just looking for someone else’s opinion on this. Am I being too needy or am I right to feel hurt by this?

Does he spend any free time doing fun stuff with you?

A bit of both to be honest I think.

Going out until 1/2am several times a week is unreasonable - what time does he have to get to work in the morning? How is he not hungover?

But I also think you need to work on building up your own social circle and being less reliant on him.

Could you invite anyone from work over for a drink or dinner one night? Or start a supper club/book club? Then if you're at home, you don't have to be 'out socialising' if that is not the norm for your culture, but you will have company and start to build relationships.

You definitely need to boost your own social circle but he also can't go on acting as if he is single.

Aprilmight, occasionally we might go for dinner, maybe once a month. We tend to watch films at home at the weekend as he is often too tired to go out.

Greenfingers, the women I work with live quite far away and all have young families so head straight home. I did make some ‘friends’ through expat support groups but we don’t really have anything in common and I find spending time with them quite awkward if I’m honest.

I do get on well with some of the girlfriends/wives of my husband’s friends and have thought about contacting them to do something like a take away and film night at home like you say, but end up deleting the message before I get the courage to send it. I am shy and have very different beliefs than most of the women here (religion, role of a wife etc) and am finding it hard to look past this. I know I need to learn to adapt to the culture I am living in but at the same time I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not.

I was very happy here when I first moved. My husband’s friend was also married to British woman and we used to spend a lot of time together as a group but unfortunately their marriage broke down and she moved back to the UK.

I must say, I do get on well with my SILs who invite me out shopping with them sometimes but I have issues initiating plans myself.

I know I need to become more independent and am quite disappointed that I have let myself become reliant upon my husband.

We tend to watch films at home at the weekend as he is often too tired to go out.
But not too tired to go out in the week? I'd be very pissed off with that attitude, and tbh wonder what was going on there.

Don't beat yourself up about it. You've realised there is an imbalance going on and asking for advice. Maybe try and up contact levels with your SILs? Sounds like they are keen to get to know you if they invite you out.

Re: Your DH being too tired to go out at the weekend, I'm not surprised if he's caning it all week. This is what's unfair, as you can't spend quality time together at the weekend either.

And be brave! Have a film night for some girlfriends to get the ball rolling. There is absolutely nothing wrong and being honest with them about your shyness if you're comfortable doing that. Good luck, hope things improve and that your DH stops acting like a teenager.

PS: I meant to say sorry about your miscarriage.

So he parties all week without you and then is too tired to do anything with you at the weekend? Doesn't that tell you where you are on his list of priorities?

Are you in Asia? I understand in some countries that culturally men are expected to hardcore socialise in the evenings with colleagues if they want promotions. But I won't be happy that a compromise doesn't seem to be acceptable to your husband. Does he expect his lifestyle to continue after kids? Him acting like he is single, you isolated and lonely at home?

Greenfingers thank you for your advice, it means a lot. I will try to make more of an effort and be brave!

I think I’m also going to have another chat with DH when he gets home and make sure there isn’t any underlying issue surrounding this.

Thank you all

Thingsdogetbetter the issue about if it will continue after kids formed part of my argument last night (well at 2am!) and his response was ‘of course not’. I don’t think he really sees it as an issue now as in his mind it happens very occasionally. Once we have had an argument about it he will stop for a couple of weeks then slowly creeps back up again.

I think I’m going to start putting red X on the calendar when he’s out and I’m at home alone - the visual representation might help to reinforce it!

I wouldn't be too pleased with that either.

He is almost living as a single man. I don't understand why it has to be so late every time. Can he not have one or two drinks after work and be home around 9-10ish? Or is he one of these people that one drink is never enough and has to get absolutely hammered every time.
Seems excessive that every single time he is out it is until the early hours of the morning. Not fair at all on you.

You go home and make dinner? Does he eat that or go straight out from work?
How old is he? Sounds like student age.

I did that, putting it on the calendar. Not a good sign when things get that far.

You're right to be unconvinced by this idea that he will change if you have children. So many people discover that things do not get better then; far from it.

Can you definitely imagine yourself living where you are for the foreseeable future? Not having your family nearby when you have a small baby? And if you break up with a child, having to choose between taking the child away from its father and staying in that country on your own? I can tell you from experience that those things mean a lot more when the baby is there and they are your life from now on.

What do you think life would be like if you had a baby? Do you think he would curb his social life or do you think you’d end up doing most of it on your own? You’ve already told him how you feel and he hasn’t made any changes. Think really hard about starting a family with this man.