Trying to end a toxic relationship

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hi all, firstly thanks for reading. Well i've decided to end my 2.5 year relationship. We both have children but none together and don't live together- thou i have furniture of his at my house.

Dp isn't a bad person he is so good in so many ways, he is amazing with my kids, great work ethic but i feel so bullied by him- it feels his way or the high way. Each time i try to challenge things or end it i end up feeling mentally unstable and to blame.

About a month ago i tried to end it due to his name calling of me, lack of effort in bed (as long as he's happy that's all he cares about), his reluctance to challenge his 11 year old on things, his refusal to live together until his daughter goes to college and his needing to go out boozing, weekly meaning i see him once or twice a week as i don't like going out drinking. Also he has said he will never get married or financially commitnin any way as he has more money for me and it's all going to his daughter, even to the point i don't get a say at planning his funeral.

he promised he'd change and it lasted a week. We went on a mini break and he was so horrible when he had a drink i literally wanted to come home early.

the other night he told me he'd told me he would take me for tea and when i got to his he had eaten and wanted to take me out for drinks. i went out with him but he's just argumentative when he has a drink and i honestly feel done. i challenged him about some of his behaviour the following day and he just said its best i didn't see him that night if i don't like him when he's drunk. i just don't know how to end it

he's asked me if i'm ok as a few days have passed and i've told him i need space as i can't deal with the relationship anymore. he's text me saying he wants to work throu stuff etc etc

i don't want to end it over text but i feel like i always get argued out if things

god i know i sound so pathetic but i'm not.

sorry just reread the financial thing is that he won't jeopardise his financial security for me ever, so no marriage etc Im not his next of kin etc i just feel rejected by him

Tell him you want different thing, and are ending it so that you dont miss your chance of finding happiness.

Probably best not to draw attention to all the actual issues, because he will try to argue them away. You know what they are, but I think pointing out his issues with antagonise the situation.

Tell him you will be in contact regarding his furniture next week. Next week contact him to arrange a mutually agreeable time to collect the furniture. Ideally have someone else there when he comes around to get it. Especially if the person can help him move the furniture (if its big?).

If he is reasonable-not completely unreasonable then this should work. If he is completely unreasonable it might not work that well....but will make it easier to see you have done the right thing!!

It's OK to end it by text if you know he'll just convince you to stay again if you try to talk. End it. Think of a way to get his stuff back to him, whether a date to pick it up by or getting it dropped to him. And then don't engage with discussion, it's done, it's your final decision, goodbye.

He sounds emotionally abusive and certainly verbally, and he's no good for you.

thankyou it's so hard because as soon as i begin the conversation he changes personality and can't do enough to make things work- this makes me question weather things are all in my head

it's so hard because as soon as i begin the conversation he changes personality and can't do enough to make things work

This is exactly why it is fine to end it by text! Then switch off your phone and do not engage with what will probably be multiple calls/texts.

This is exactly what emotional abusers do - they get in your head and twist it all back onto you.

Text him that you no longer want to continue with the relationship. And tell him you want him to arrange collection of his furniture this weekend (or whenever suits you).

Does he have a key to your house? If so, change the locks.

Good luck OP, you deserve better than this.

and hugs

ive texted him ending it saying there's nothing we can do we just want different things and saying i'm done and i won't be contactable for the rest of the day due to driving etc.

a big part of me worries he will look for me on here

his dad has a room at mine so ive bt's and bobs of hers and some of his furniture. he has a key but i've got possession of it at the moment due to having work done. so he can't get in (although his dad has a back door key but i've got a bolt for that/ plus his dad is a decent guy so wouldn't use it.

ive got clothes at his flat but that's it- i just hope he accepts this and let's me finish it (god i sound so pathetic)

You do NOT sound pathetic.

Well done for biting the bullet.

thanks he is pleading now and i asking to come over just to give me a hug as he realises how awful he's been - i told him no it's over and tonight isn't good to collect his things. i'm worried he'll get angry next - not physical (just wanted to be clear i am in no physical threat) but i don't want him to get horrible

thanks for being there- i really don't want to give in

Don't give in. I would let the dust settle before you see him. The sooner you see him, the easier he will be to act like he's so sorry/things will change etc.

I definitely agree with what others said about not talking over all the issues with him. That will not only get him angry and argumentative, but what's the point? If you're done, why try and change him now. He is how he is, let some other poor woman deal with him down the line.

I left an 8 year EA relationship just over a year ago, and I had tried to leave a few times before, but ended up listing all the issues and him promising to change. But there is no point, if it's done, just tell him you want different things and you're no longer interested.

You need to stay very strong now. xx

Also in a way if he does get horrible then you'll just be confirmed with your decision so don't even worry if he does. My ex still gets nasty every now and then and i'm a year into separation, it just confirms that I made the right decision.

Oh God, the angry ranty texts - does he do that? I wouldn't bother reading them.

Don't give in, he will do everything he can now to be nice and show the nicest side of him. You have plenty of good reasons to break up with him and it sounds fine to have done it by text - I would have done the same in this situation. Stay strong!

Make sure there's someone there with you when he comes to collect his stuff. Don't fall for his temporary excuses. Well done for seeing him for what he really is before you wasted more of your time on him :)

thankyou all- it was my first relationship since seperatong with the father of my children and it feels so much harder- i feel so much less if myself since it began. he will assume there's someone else or ask if i think i'll meet someone who will want me etcetc but i just genuinely want to be alone and never be in a relationship again

Stay strong! You’re doing the right thing, he will just twist and turn to try and get you back. Don’t give him any reasons beyond you are too different/not making each other happy as he will just argue against them and twist anything you say. He won’t believe there is someone else, he will just say it to try and guilt you into giving it another go to prove him wrong. Keep everything via text and keep the bolt on your back door in case! Could you ask his dad to come and collect his DD’s stuff when it comes to it?

it may be an idea for him to get his dad to get the things but he would be really annoyed at that- i don't want to organise that yet thou as i just want no contact for a while. i really need him to know it's over

it may be an idea for him to get his dad to get the things but he would be really annoyed at that So that sounds like a win! You get the stuff, you don't have to see him, he is pissed off but you are sitting pretty. What's not to love about that?

thanks all he's getting his stuff on sunday and seems to be accepting things - thanks for the support

I keep saying this but - isn't it worse when they 'change' and become all sweet and caring when they know they are losing you? It shows that they know how they are really supposed to act, but can't be bothered to do it all the time! It's almost worse than them being a 24/7 twunt, because it means they know they are being shitty to you and can turn it on and off.

yes i agree - literally makes me angry, for him to admit he knows he's been horrible shows he has the ability to be nice and chose to behave in that manner

You've done so well. Do you have support in real life to go and have a cuppa and cake and a chat and a bit of a cry with (if you need it)? Keep strong.

He knows he has been an arsehole.

thankyou, update, he is actually at his parents so that's probably why he's being so reasonable, plus his behaviour the last night i saw him was awful and he knows it. he'll bring my key and i'll pass him his. i have an extra lock i can put in to prevent him using it.

so when do you delete the person from social media? can you remove old photos? do you delete photos etc? it's all really new territory for me.

i have an amazing mate who i will go and see after, i had an emotional wobble last night but feel ok now. i just felt sorry for him for going to his parents, he's never shown emotion apart from anger in the past so it effected me a little.

ive told my ex (father of my kids) just to be aware when i tell the kids in case they get upset. he's been brilliant but we are good friends anyway (which i know exdp didn't like) i've told my family and feel a bit of a failure- but they are all expecting it which is strange

Please don’t feel that you’re “a bit of a failure”. He’s the failure, not you!
You should be proud of yourself for making the right decision, being strong, and recognising that you deserve better than an abusive drunk. Onwards and upwards!

but they are all expecting it which is strange That just goes to show that they could tell something wasn't right.

With social media, if I were you, I'd delete and block him on everything, otherwise it can be a way for him to try to wangle his way back in or way to cause friction.