Want to abandon supporting someone - knowing they will be left alone

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

A neighbour has, for many years, struggled with various issues. She refuses to deal with decisions herself, and since her ex left (5 years ago), has been heavily depended on everyone else. She refuses to be responsible and proactive.

Her problems mostly have relatively easy solutions and many people have attempted to help her. A lot of people know her and have supported her in the past. The solutions she often wants are unfeasible and out of her control. She rejects everything else.

I find her very frustrating and have no patience, I let other's mainly deal with her but it seems I'm now the last man standing, her support is all used up. She has been talking about how she has nothing more to live for. Her children have all left home and will no longer let her control them (I suspect this is why most of her support network has departed - they helped for their sake).

I have enough problems of my own without having to be drawn into someone else's minor issues. She had a major freak out a few months ago - where I intervened. Now I'm her 'best friend' and the only one she can talk to.

I don't dislike her but she is too dependent - I just don't want the responsibility. It's not a friendship because she gives nothing back. I've tried to reduce contact and limit how much time I spend on her. I won't waste time looking up advice for her to ignore.

Everyone is praising me for the support I'm providing but I feel forced into it by emotional blackmail and I really resent it. I've been affected by the suicide of several people close to me. I am not the right person and I don't want the responsibility.

How can I move forward with this situation? I'd like to hear from people who have been in same situation before. I feel like if I abandon her then she is very likely to do something life-threatening.
She refuses to see her GP.

How old is she?

Would it be possible to contact someone like age concern?

Sorry I haven't any better answers, I would let others know if they praise you that you will not be continuing as you are not able to.

She sounds like hard work and also that she's burnt most of her bridges. Some people LIKE being codependent on others, it means they don't have to take responsibility for their own lives like the rest of us.

Don't beat yourself up for backing away and leaving her alone. Just because everyone else jumped ship before you doesn't mean you have to remain the last man standing.

I don't have any experience but just want to reassure you that what ever happens to her is not your doing.
You cant help anyone who isn't willing to help themselves.

I would just post some leaflets for professional help through her door and decrease time with her to a passing hi and bye.

I would start talking a lot about yourself and your issues and “trump her” problems. Ask her for help. If she says she can’t, keep asking her to come up with solutions for you... oh you can’t help me? Well what about your son? Well why don’t you try calling him, oh I can hire someone? How do I do that? Where do I look that up? X might know? Ok, you call x for me and ask him...

If you suddenly need things from her too, she’ll abandon you and latch on to someone else.

Posted too soon...

I had a codependent friend and it was EXHAUSTING. It was all about her and her needs. I too was very worried about her MH but she refused to take responsibility for it and it had a HUGE impact on everyone around her.

I backed away slowly. Stopped being so available, stopped giving advice (that would be ignored). I did manage to extract myself and I believe she has since had a diagnosis of bipolar and is receiving treatment. I think tbh she needed to hit rock bottom before she reached out for proper medical help. Me propping her up prevented that to an extent. She seems much happier and settled now and I'm very pleased for her.

Boundaries. Work out what yours are and stick to them.

Shifty's advice will help, too.

I also find it helps to listen sympathetically but not advise or intervene in anyway. 'That sounds tough, what are you going to do?' Let her do the thinking and problem solving.

She isn't your responsibility. You have tried to help and have just got in deeper and deeper. She has latched on to you because she has bled everyone else dry. Just withdraw slowly. If that's not possible then say there's nothing more I can do for you, sorry. And to be honest it's impacting on my own mental health too. . Actions need to come from her.

Agree with BATMAN if it helps to know op, you're not actually helping her,,you're enabling.

Ignore her calls, or answer 1 in 5, don't be available.

She'll either call someone else, or think.. I'll have to do it myself,;won't she?

She's late forties so too young. She won't work as doesn't need to so is very lonely and has nothing to do all day.

She has been encouraged to volunteer at age concern before but it has not been a success and she has been asked not to return. She makes extra work. The people she interacts with have to make all the allowances for her and it is not sustainable. She no longer wants to volunteer for anything.

I am telling everyone how hard I'm finding it in the hope they will help. I'm making it clear how unhappy I am with the situation. Everyone has backed off and won't get reabsorbed.

Stop giving her advice. Be more unavailable and when you are just listen without saying anything.

I'm a problem solver so I always try and find solutions but when I can see that friends have no intention of changing, I shut up.

She's my age and I can see that if she's single and her kids have left home that getting a job or something would keep her occupied and not mull over every little thing. But if you've told her and she's tried then there's nothing left to say. She's got to decide to change something otherwise things will stay the same. If she doesn't then so be it.

Thanks.

She is codependent - she's not stupid but won't think for herself.

I think I'm already backing off sorting out her problems and am thinking ShiftyMcGifty idea may be worthwhile - trumping her problems - I have tried this to some extent but find she dismisses other peoples problems much of the time.

She has had major problems in the distant past but I think people have enabled her for years and she's become totally dependent on the support from that.

I am making myself less available. I think I just needed to hear people say I'm not being a terrible person for how I'm feeling.

Ok, so pay careful attention to how she dismisses your issues and turns the conversation back to her and then copy her. And keep at it. If she’s not stupid, she’ll confront you as to why you’re doing it and you can honestly say... but I was talking about my problems first and you’re the one who keeps changing the topic.

Honestly, I know it sounds bizarre but you know those people who will interrupt you when you’re in the middle of your issue to tell you about their much bigger issue or how this reminds them of the time....

Yeah, you need to become one of those people who prattles on. The key - and this takes practice and nerves of steel as I learned from experience - is to continue talking even if the other person interrupts you and starts prattling on about something else. I use to work with someone who’d ask you a question and cut you off as you answered it. She was asking rhetorically, just so she would have a captive audience for her story . After about a year, I learned to hold her gaze and continue to speak when she interrupted me until I finished my sentence. It was a bit like a spaghetti western shoot out scene

I've felt a strong sense of resentment when my problems topped hers a few years ago and took everyone's attention.

It does sound quite rewarding to do as you suggest ShiftyMcGifty because I do resent how one-sided everything is.

She is an adult woman and not your responsibility. As pp said, she has to decide to change something otherwise things will stay the same.

I feel like if I abandon her then she is very likely to do something life-threatening.
If she is at risk of self harm or suicide, then she needs professional help. You cannot give that to her. If it's manipulative behaviour rather than mental health issues, you need to protect yourself.

Maybe turn the focus back to yourself and keep examining why you are letting her leech the life and energy out of you.

The more you focus on her the more she is draining you. The more you focus on you the more you might be able to figure out how to build your boundaries and learn to put your own needs first. Then you might be able to have a life where nobody gets to force you to give them the time, attention and energy that really belong to you.

I've now spoken directly to her last 'best friend' and she is not as alone as she is making out. ExBF tends to ignore the suicidal hints as she believes they have no real intent but are just a cry for attention.

ExBF has drastically reduced the time they spend together as she is now caring for a sick relative. I'm going to back away slowly as I have no wish to fill her place.

I really wouldn't do the "responding with your problems" mind game thing. That's calculating, exhausting, manipulative and negative.

You do not need to stoop to her level of social inadequacy in order to change this situation. You can behave with dignity and still extract yourself.

She has problems, undoubtedly, but they need not be yours. Now that you have aired your frustration, hopefully you will feel bolstered to remove yourself from this mad set up.

Would you expect to be able to treat your friends as she treats you and retain their respect? No, so shelve all doubt and stop playing into this.

Don't accept her calls. Don't respond to her texts. You don't need excuses.

How she handles this can be her problem, and the sooner props are removed, the more quickly she'll have to seek appropriate help.

Be strong!!

OP I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. Eventually my friend fucked me off twice in a month, really ruining two huge events in my life.

I felt that I couldn't be there any more for her - even after literally picking her up in her darkest days - as I needed to regroup in my own mind.

I did explain why I was going low contact.

Some time later she got in touch with some awful news: I offered support but when I disclosed my own terrible circumstances I got the most unsympathetic response.

It was awful at the time, and I still think of her frequently and wish she was here to share good times and bad. But there is a time when looking out for yourself is more important. She is not your responsibility OP.

“I really wouldn't do the "responding with your problems" mind game thing. That's calculating, exhausting, manipulative and negative.”

Not if you look at it like a game and make it light hearted in your mind. A bit like the MN bingo suggestion. It may not work, but I don’t think the OP is strong, hence why she’s asking for help how to deal with this.

I've been there and it is a lonely place to be. There is nothing that can replace professional help of some sort, so you need to redirect her and be strict about it (which I was not and regret very much).

I ended up with anxiety myself, for the first time in my life, to someone who was not grateful and not remotely empathetic to the needs of others, with a trail of used people behind them.

Look after yourself

I was going to suggest what Shifty suggested. Get all needy and self-absorbed with her. I did that with a neighbour who uses people and she backed off with this dull "Damn, I can't use you" look in her eye. It was satisfying. People like that will suck you dry and then wander off. You don't need to feel guilty at all, or emotionally blackmailed. Your needs and those of people you love come first.

Focus on the fact that you are enabling her rather than helping her and that if you allow her to do so she will drain ALL of your energy from you

Picture her as an enormous 5 foot leech

I think of her as a very needy, fussy neighbour that gives very little in return. I don't think there is much friendship involved from my side.
She thinks of me as her 'new best friend'.

I find it too easy to image her as a leech.

I've confronted her with my problems - some of which have been fairly huge but none as bad as what happened to her several years ago. Her problems these days are just general, low level irritations that need addressing but shouldn't require everyone else to sort out for her.

I thought letting her know how I sorted out my problems would set her an example to her of what she needed to do rather than letting others sort them out for her. I also wanted her to see others also have things to deal with that we sort out ourselves.

Her ex-husband used to take care of everything. She refuses to take on adult responsibilities. I've always been very clear that I won't do things for her but I will give advice and point her in the right direction.

I am feeling much happier about the situation due to this site and also talking to her last ex best friend. The 'nothing to live for' comments did worry me.