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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Panicking big style - help calm me down

48 replies

Metrobaby · 05/08/2004 15:25

Its ds' christening on Sunday. However last night I found out that we will have to put up an additional 8 adults and 1 child from DH's family for 2 nights. This will mean I will have to cook 2 lunches and breakfasts, and 1 dinner for 12 and I am really panicking - all this on top of preparing the christening buffet for 35 too!

Sleeping arrangements are causing a problem too. DH wants to avoid them all sleeping on the floor and is reluctant to ask them to bring sleeping bags. He wants each family to have their own room which means that DH, dd, ds and I will have to move out and stay at my Mums. I really don't want to do this as it so inconvienant but do you think I am being a bit mean??

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 05/08/2004 16:11

make the men do the washing up

CountessDracula · 05/08/2004 16:12

blimey tell them to sleep on the floor or stay at home! Honestly, some people are unbelievable.

Find a cheapo b&b in the area and call them, say you have a lot on your plate with the christening catering etc but they are welcome to come and stay at the B&B and sort out their own food.

Hulababy · 05/08/2004 16:13

Definitely share the bill of a takeaway! I would anyway. TBH if they are staying in your house for 2 nights to save money in accomadation they should be buying YOU the takeaway!

gothicmama · 05/08/2004 16:18

SO long as you tell every one in advance they are paying for their own takeaways it should n't be a problem or ask them to bring bits down with them and picnic in the garden with paper plates on what they bring with them use teh fact you are catering that the kitchen is out of order unless to do the buffet for the catering

Original poster

Metrobaby · 05/08/2004 16:25

Ooo - CountessD - I'd love nothing better than to say to Dh's brothers families to get a B&B and sort out their own food. However, I don't think DH would ever say that, and secondly I reckon it would cause a very very bad feeling in the family and p**s them right off.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 05/08/2004 16:26

Well, they are pissing you right off so tit for tat?

Blu · 05/08/2004 16:29

Metrobaby, NO I really don't think it would be rude to ask them to chip in. That is what would happen in our family - we'd all muck in financially.

But honestly, about all this cooking and catering. I don't think it can be done. Especially in this weather. How will you fit all that food in the fridge, alongside the buffet food? The only possibility is if you have a HUGE freezer, and stack it up with pizzas to re-heat.

Why don't you (not your DH, who is doubtless lovely but not displaying much practical planning skill atm) contact the most sensible / communicative brother or SIL in Manchester, explain that you are really looking forward to seeing them, but need to plan very very carefully as you have the buffet to prepare, so would they all prefer to go to pub or share a takeaway for their lunches/dinners? and ask him/her to have a phone round the others and say you hope they all have sleeping bags because as they are aware you have a 3 bed house, and there will be 13 people altogether. Use the number: it is conceivable that no other member of the family has actually totted it up in real numbers!

Good Luck!

Clayhead · 05/08/2004 16:35

Personally I think that if they are staying with you then they should be buying you the takeaway s).

Original poster

Metrobaby · 05/08/2004 16:36

Thats a good idea Blu. I told DH about pub/takeaway for food and Dh said that he thinks we should pay as THEY are the ones making the effort by travelling such a long distance and coming to our christening so it should be our duty to provide !!! I'm completely against this. Especially as when we go to visit them we stay in a hotel and have our meals with PIL only.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 05/08/2004 16:37

And gothicmama's point about saying sorry, the kitchen is out of bounds because of the christening.

WideWebWitch · 05/08/2004 18:39

Bloody hell! HOW unreasonable? Show your dh this thread, we're all gobsmacked tbh. No way should you move out or run around after them.

mckenzie · 05/08/2004 18:48

I echo www.
Is there the slightest possible chance that they all feel really bad about staying with you but that your DH has insisted that it'll be okay and they dont want to offend by not staying? A huge shot in the dark I know but sometimes wires can get really crossed cant they?

MummyToSteven · 05/08/2004 19:16

how old is your baby?

prufrock · 05/08/2004 20:22

No No No. Your baby is only 3 months old. If anything they should all be coming down to pamper you - making you move out is madness. Tell your dh this is not on at all, at the very least they should expect to be sleeping on floors and going out for meals.

Tissy · 05/08/2004 20:33

If you do move out to your mothers, make it clear that they are self catering- by all means supply copious (cheap) bread, milk and tea. Are you b/feeding? You need time with your baby and REST not the hassle of running a B+B.

daisy1999 · 05/08/2004 21:04

This is too much to ask of you. Find details of somewhere cheap to stay (travel inn, etc) and just explain that you haven't the room for everyone. My parents always stay with us when they visit but for the christening we had my sister to stay (she was godparent) and my parents stayed in a hotel.

edam · 05/08/2004 22:11

This is ludicrous. Has your dh got sunstroke or something? Blu's right, ring round the family, maybe they don't realise dh is actually suggesting you move out for your son's christening FFS! You cannot cater for 12 people for 5 meals on top of the Christening. It's just impossible. Even if you had a troupe of elves doing the little shoemaker routine...
Tell MIL/SILs (not fair that it's women who have to think about these things but in general lots of men just don't get it) the number of people he's proposing to squash into a three bedroom house. Suggest to MIL/SILs the takeaways/campbeds/sleeping bags idea, point out that you have to focus on the Christening itself.
You do not want to ruin your memories of your baby's Christening by being too bloody exhausted to notice what is going on and too bloody resentful to care. Your dh has gone mad and you need to set the ground rules very firmly NOW.
BTW, what's happened to make these 9 people decide to turn up now, at the last minute? Were they planning to stay elsewhere but have decided it's too expensive? Were they planning to drive back the same day? Don't understand how on earth anyone thought you could look after so many people at such short notice (and frankly don't think you can possibly squash so many people into the average three bed house anyway. Certainly couldn't in mine!).

edam · 05/08/2004 22:17

And a journey from Manchester to Surrey is hardly the ends of the earth... they certainly don't need to stay TWO nights, that's taking the proverbial. I'm in the SE and used to take us 3.5 hours max to my mother's near Sheffield from SW London (including crossing central London, always the worst bit, they don't even have to do that). What's wrong with them coming down Saturday and going back home again Sunday night? Surely most of them must have jobs where you have to turn up on Monday morning?

Jimjams · 06/08/2004 08:18

Good grief does your DH have "issues" with his family (i mean is he trying to prove something). He is acting completely insanely. I have stayed in mass crashouts after family dos (usually for one night) but I've never stayed with someone with a 3 month old baby, I've never kicked anyone out of their bed, I've never been given- or expected dinner (except buffet style left overs) (usual form was that the MAN of the house would cook a huge breakfast and everyone would chip in with washing up etc and everyone would go out for other meals or would buy take away. You should not be stumping up the cost of a take away- you are already providing a christening.
Show him this thread- your dh is not behaving normally.

Blu · 06/08/2004 12:39

How's it going, Metrobaby?
I do understand your DH's hospitable impulse, actully, and if it was us we might splash out for ONE takeaway or pub lunch, as the family are travelling to be with you for the Christening. But I honestly don't thik anyone would expect you to pay for all of them. Actually in our family my Dad would come over all generous and patriarchal and treat everyone to another meal...and so it goes.
Thinking of you...

Original poster

Metrobaby · 06/08/2004 15:25

Thanks for asking Blu - and thanks for everyone's kind words of support too. I thought I was being a bit hot headed about it all originally

I had a chat with DH last night and told him what the wise ones of MN have said and we both agreed that we wouldn't move out in order to accomodate his family. One family have also decided to drop out which now leaves 7 adults, 2 children and ds - this includes dh,dd and I. So although a big number still a lot more manageable than 12 ! Men heh

I took your advice Blu and phoned MIL, You were right I don't think she had considered the total number. I told her that I couldn't provide beds for everyone so some would have to bring sleeping bags and kip on the floor. Also I told her about getting a takeaway in the evening (and told DH later we shouldn't have to pay the entire cost either). MIL was fine about it and said that they would all muck in and help with preparing for the christening and washing up etc after the meals. DD and ds will still end up sharing our room however but I reckon I can live with that for 2 nights.

Mckenzie - you hit the nail on the head. DH had been saying it was 'no problem' for them to stay so I don't think they were aware of the huge undertaking involved. Lord knows what DH is trying to prove though. I think its his generous nature. He will bend over backwards to help anyone, hates putting other people out, and certainly would never ever say anything that would upset or offend his parents. Unfortunately as in this case, it can cause more problems at the expense of our family !

OP posts:

aloha · 06/08/2004 19:34

Hooray, so glad sanity has prevailed

Kayleigh · 07/08/2004 19:12

Hope you are having a brilliant weekend Metrobaby.

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