My sister - how can I fix things?

[mumontherun14]

So I am one of 4 children all grown up and married with our own families.

Over the last few years finances have been difficult for me & DH he was self employed for a while and our income was really up and down and we had debts from a property sale shortfall from ten years ago which we are still paying off. We've got ourselves a DMP so in three years we will be debt free but in the meantime are on a strict budget and no credit. Our kids are 13 and 11.

We also look after my older parents as we live nearest and especially help with my mum who has Alzheimer's. I reduced my working hours to have an afternoon off each week to help her when kids at school to go to medical appts, dementia cafe etc.

My dad is always asking me how our finances are and a couple of times in the past year when things have been tight like car repair bill etc he has given us £200-£300 as a help when we have needed it.

My sister has heard about this and twice now has read me the riot act about managing my budget and not borrowing from my Dad as he may need the money for Mums care in the future. This year my dad bought my sister an expensive pram and gave her £2000 to help her on her maternity leave which to be fair she didn't ask for but he just did it to help her. I never begrudged her that at all or would have even mentioned it until today...

She said a few really nasty things today to me on the phone like she was disappointed in our characters by not being able to manage our budget properly and that we were always going on holidays (not since last July) and to parties (only 1 since Xmas -best pals 40th DH was driving) she also criticised the fact my daughter has an expensive hobby and says we should stop it. She is never around to really know what we are doing but seems to have plenty to say about it.

She also called me out for sending her texts while she was on holiday about a meeting I'd had with Social work about getting some care for Mum and said she was in tears for 2 days and it spoiled her holiday.

My husband is going for big operation soon and she said "Oh and Dads already said he'll maybe have to help you when DH is off work recovering.,,," Now this is news to me as we have never discussed it with my dad and my DH would be mortified. He is saving and working extra to cover it himself but again she is getting half a story and making the rest up,

I tried as best I could to be reasonable but it didn't end well... I called her judgemental and said that our Finances were shaky and part of that was due to the fact I had reduced my hours to help with Mum and if she wanted to step in and do more then great. I also said our finances were none of her business and I didn't trust her not to talk about us behind our backs.

Nb She does help out with Mum where she can and she has a 3 month old so it's not easy for her and I do appreciate that but she said today "it's easier " if I do all the care for Mum as I am local, I have been put on antidepressants for the stress of it all and she knows this.

My brothers are both abroad living so they are mostly out of it but I know she has been speaking about our finances and her opinions on it to them and it's really getting me angry.

I feel like she has accused us of taking advantage of my dad when in actual fact we help them the most and we like doing it so I think sometimes my dad just likes to help us a bit when he sees us struggling and it hasn't been a huge amount and way less than he has given her and also my brother who he helped with a car bill. My dad always tells me that he likes to help all of us when he can.

My DH would be gutted if he knew what she has said and I don't want to tell him or all hell will break loose. He already thinks she is highly strung and hard work. My other brother is up for the week with his family so I don't want there to be an atmosphere but I am still raging and not looking forward to seeing her tommorow.

I feel like she thinks she can just say whatever she likes to me and I've just to take it but I feel like I've had enough and don't appreciate being pulled up about things that are none of her business . I have tried to be calm & supportive as she has the new baby but I am really annoyed with her.

Help! Any advice welcome. I really don't want a fall out..

Your sister loves drama, clearly. Stop making her problems your problems. How your father dispersed his money is none of her business, and trying to explain things to her or attempting to pacify her is a total waste of your time. STOP LISTENING to her bullshit. Just stop. If she starts up, you hang up. You haven't caused this rift and it's not your responsibility to mend it.

Can you write this down? Leave it a few days then re read it. Then if you still feel like it, send it. Better out than in.

My advice - stop sharing so much information with your sister. There was no need to go into such detail with her about your financial situation. If your dad wants to give you £10 or £10000 it is entirely up to him. You don't have to spend it you could put it away and if they ever needed it back you could access it quite quickly. The fact that he was helping his daughter out is his business.
If she starts down this path again, say to her "Jean, I know you mean well but what Dad does with his time and his money is his decision and it's none of your business what I do with my money or my financial affairs. I don't want to discuss this further with you and I want you to respect my decision to change this topic of conversation now." (Insert the name of your sister at the start of this )
If she keeps going, tell her that you'll hang up on her/leave (if the discussion is a face to face one).

Have you mentioned to her that your dad has spent £2000 on her recently? How does she justify accepting that but having a go at you?

Does she maybe have a point??

She shouldn’t be so judgemental, of course, but in her shoes does it look as though you’re taking the piss out of your dad a bit?

You have shaky finances but your dd has an expensive hobby.

And could the talk about your mum’s care have waited until she was home?

My mum always treated me and my brother the same. When he had children she helped him out loads buying winter coats. I never resented this at all it was going towards my niece and nephew and I knew she would do the Same if I needed it.

My parents have spent a lot of time and money on my sister. It was their choice.

I am NC with them but not because of that.

There's a lovely phrase that I use with my toxic family - never apologise, never explain

Seriously they do not need a justification as to how things are. I'm the eldest - and I've had the least help from my parents and I'm ok with that. Because it's their money to do with as they wish so I let them get on with it. However I don't go there with them - I don't want to hear how my sister (for example) has been gifted some money for a new car. We all make our choices and cut our cloth accordingly - I'm happy driving my old banger as it's cheap and reliable. End of - I suggest that you try and do similar - comparison is the thief of happiness in my opinion