I have been with DH for 14 years, 3 DC, 8,11,12. Unhappily married for about 5 years. I have felt trapped, taken for granted, undervalued. I was a SAHM for 8 years having left my career to allow DH to concentrate on his. We moved further away from my family for his job and I have suffered from loneliness and perceived isolation. I have been watching this board for a long time and have identified with so much of what others have said about emotional abuse. I don't think he is an abuser as such, in that I don't think he sets out to manipulate and control me, but I have come to the conclusion over many years that although he professes to love me, his needs will always come first and he does not prioritise me or the children in any way. He thinks he does, because he works incredibly hard at work to pay school fees and we have a lovely house and lifestyle. But I have felt for a long time that I am living in a gilded cage. He doesn't have any friends and does not like me having any. He gets arsey if I go out more than once a month. When I do go out he calls me several times to find out where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, when I'll be back. If I go out locally, he will come to find me. I feel suffocated and unhappy. He has temper issues and can be horrible to the children. He doesn't dare be horrible to me, but I think he would be if he thought he could get away with it. When I defend the children he justifies it with "they should do as they are told"; he is particularly horrible to my daughter when she is rebellious.
Anway for a long time I have been wondering how to get out. I went to a counsellor to ask her what she thought about his behaviour. I realise now I was trying to obtain her permission to leave him. She just kept telling me how scared he must be and that I must get a job to give me more independence. So I got a job. The power balance has changed - he is nicer to me but there are still the temper issues occasionally. He blames the temper on the job, the stress. I have supported him through the long hours and the stress for years. There is always a drama at work. There is always someone out to get him. It is exhausting being around him sometimes because of his rages.
I thought he had a drink problem as he often binge drinks at weekends. I have now realised he uses cocaine most weekends, at home. He often spends the whole weekend watching tv - never does anything with the kids although will take them to football in the morning. But not really interested in them or me except on a very superficial level. I haven't confronted him because he lies about everything. I just don't trust him and haven't for a long time.
So, I've borrowed money from my mother, paid it up front and rented a property. I have just about enough money on my salary to support the kids and me for 3 or 4 months in case the shit really hits the fan. I've told my work, my closest friends. They all support me.
BUT I'm feeling tremendous guilt. You see, he's come to another head at work and now is about to hand in his notice. His stress has escalated. So I have been planning this for months and now I feel I am falling at the last hurdle. I should be moving stuff into the house without him knowing, but I feel this terrible sense of guilt and powerlessness. I feel he will blame me for not supporting him in his hour of need. I worry that he will bad mouth me to the children and that they will blame me too.
I badly need someone to tell me that his behaviour justifies what I am doing because I am doubting myself and my resolve so much now. So, what I am asking is this: can I reasonably be expected to stay with him given the behaviour I have described? Should i push through this guilt and fear I am feeling? I am wading through fog.
Thank you so much for reading. x