I desperately need help

[Pearlnecklaces]

My life is spiralling out of control, my behaviour is absolutely appalling, I've been having affairs and random sex with men I meet online, my marriage is dead, I can't sleep, my mind is racing all the time and have pins and needles in my arms and hands , I over think, I feel anxious and teary and on the verge of a breakdown
I'm having riskier sex all the time including even being paid for it just to see what it felt like, also bdsm sex
This is so far removed from what I used to be like you wouldn't believe, I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't care if I get caught and don't care what happens to me,
I've made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow and don't know how to tell him what's wrong, I don't know what's wrong apart from feeling like some lunatic is inhabiting my mind
What do I say? I feel if don't get some help tomorrow I'll completely break down, I want my old self back

Do you feel the GP was able to help? It's good you told them you don't feel depressed (and obviously good you aren't feeling down of course). I hope they will be able to give you the support you feel you need.

Do you have a local Mind? You should be able to self refer to them-they often provide counselling etc etc, but more importantly for you they will advocate for people who are seeking treatment but not being heard.
Also can you make another appointment but ask to see a different GP? I don't think sertraline is the right medication for the symptoms as you have described them here.

My sister was so hedonistic about sex and spending and risky behavours. Turns out she has bipolar type 2. She is npw medicated and after a manic episode then a long depressed episode she now has it completely under control with medication and mindfulness. Please seek help. Don't be ashamed. She also works and drives and owns a dog. All impossible things before. Be brave. Your new life is waiting for you. Xxx

Also there are different types of bipolar. I see you said you didn't feel depressed. You could be experiencing a long manic episode. That again is nothing to be ashamed of. Xx

From your OP it sounds like a sex addiction. Especially the spiralling into more dangerous sexual activity..How did it start 2yrs ago? Do you feel like you could stop the affairs? My husband as a SA and we are working through it but the main thing I have learnt is that you need to be honest with yourself about why you continue with this behaviour? Does your husband know?

I could have written your post, almost exactly apart from the money for sex part. I am now away from it all, settled and happy with a different husband, so I hope my 2 pennies worth might help.

Basically, I found out that my first husband (now ExH), had been cheating on me, for many years and with many women. I was totally blindsided. I remained normal for about 4 years, but when his disgusting behaviour continued, I started what I can only imagine was a breakdown. I became completely reckless. I was going out every weekend. Having one night stands. Meeting strange men on-line for sex. You get the idea. Like you, I felt euphoric most of the time.

It all changed for me, when I decided to actually leave my husband. I left him, and once I had a place of my own, I started to do normal on line dating. I was very careful not to make it about sex, because I wanted a long term partner.

I met my now DH and I am now very happy, and finally feel loved and not taken for granted.

When I look back, I can't believe how out of character my behaviour was. I think it was a combination of having a breakdown of sorts, because of Exes affairs, being like a girl in the sweetie shop, since my ExH was my first partner (and we'd been together a long time), and also hating ExH and thinking "fuck you".

The thing is though (and what I didn't see at the time, and what you aren't seeing now), is that these sexual encounters may make you feel euphoric at the time, as the men make you feel desired (which I am guessing your husband isn't), but then you crash and burn emotionally when they :

*don't treat you well
*don't want an actual relationship with you
*ghost you
*dump you

• make it obvious that they don't value you *only use you for sex

(etc etc)

And the thing is, guys on-line/in bars, that are looking for hook up's are always going to treat you as above and make you feel shit in the end. So then you go looking for another conquest. But they all end the same way.

I don't think you necessarily have a mental problem. I think you are having a breakdown of sorts. Probably because your marriage has hit the rocks, which would make anyone feel lost.

My advice would be to:

1. Take a break from seeing all men
2. Focus on exiting your marriage
3. When you are ready, do normal dating...the way it used to be back when you were in your teens. Normal. No sex for a while etc. Take it slow. If you find a guy you like, do not sext, keep it light/romantic/respectful.

Value your own worth as well. Your self esteem is in the toilet right now. Living normally/calmer and finding a good man to actually have a relationship with, will slowly but surely lift you out of the mire. Or of course you could remain single for a while. No-one's worth is measured by whether they have a husband. I'm just saying that for me, being really loved by my now DH did really help to heal me.

And just to add, there are (sadly) lots of predatory men out there, who in my opinion, can spot a vulnerable female from 10 yards away. And I think most woman are emotionally vulnerable, when a marriage breaks down. These men know exactly what to say to get in to your knickers, and will be quite happy to then throw you in the bin whilst sniffing out the next conquest. These encounters will do nothing for your mental well being and self esteem. You need to see these men for what they really are.

Spring thank you, that was really helpful and is just what it is like for me
I'm aware that these men are using me deep down but the initially euphoria and even the come down is better than the nothingness I would otherwise have
My husband has done nothing wrong, we've just grown apart
I have had a couple of really stressful things happen to me but too outing to go into detail, I think all this crap I'm doing is a distraction from my real issues
My mind is consumed by whatever man I've happened to get involved with rather than the real issues
I haven't taken the setraline yet, I'm not sure it will help and I couldn't cope with feeling worse

I know I should have a conscience about what this is doing to my husband but I'm afraid it was like a switch being flicked in my head when he told me he the only time he would be visiting my grave is to piss all over it
I had a thread on here about it at the time under a different name as I was so shocked

Fucks sake pearl that is awful.
Can you leave?

Not at the moment, was made redundant a year ago, I've just kept putting off looking for another job, I think I'm going to have to start making a long term plan
There's things that have happened that I can't put on here as I'm scared of being recognised

This sounds awful OP. I agree with PP about getting a second opinion from a different Dr!! X

I think you need to leave your shitty relationship. I doubt very much you've had a manic epidode lasting 2 years.

I don't think I have either, I'm just finding it harder and harder to cope with everything I should be coping with and am medicating with crap men, but it's slowly poisoning me
I think my mental health is suffering because of it, not the other way round

Your GPs response was very poor and Sertraline is not a good choice of medication for you until you have had a mental health assessment which considers a bipolar diagnosis. I know it's really hard but is there a different GP you can see who might be more knowledgeable about mental health? You need to be clear (you probably already were) that you don't feel depressed at all but that you have symptoms of mania and list them. You shouldn't have to do this but it should help you to get the appropriate referral. No judgment here - you need the right assessment and treatment to help you get back on track.

You don't need to answer but you sound like you've been sexually abused in some way in the past. Really common for victims to seek out destructive and risky sex.

Yes I was as a child by my dad

Thought so (I work in the field). You need therapy my darling, and to leave your toxic relationship.

I know, but knowing it and doing it are two different things, massive nhs waiting list, there's a local service but nine months before an appointment, I can't afford to go private

Whereabouts in the country are you? You're being really brave you know, it's really not easy to have the insight and willingness to look at horrible, horrible trauma that wasn't your fault but recognise that it is likely the root of your behaviour now.

I'm in North of Scotland

You're hundreds of miles away from my stomping ground so I won't be much help I'm afraid but Rape Crisis Scotland have a helpline (it doesn't matter when you were a victim or what kind of sexual violence you experienced) and they might be able to provide counselling (there usually is a waiting list) or recommended local non-NHS therapy or counselling services specific to abuse which are free.

If you experience any symptoms suggestive of PTSD such as nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation (e.g feeling like you're not really in your body and watching yourself like you're watching someone else, either during sex with these men or at other times or 'losing time' and not really knowing what you've been doing or thinking about for a period) or extreme avoidance of things that remind you of the abuse, intrusive thoughts and rumination etc then it's worth popping back to the GP and saying that and asking for a referral to secondary MH services for a PTSD assessment. Insomnia, poor concentration and the physical sensations of pins and needles you describe are all potentially signs of PTSD.

PTSD can occur years after the initial trauma. Tell the GP everything and stress that you are at risk - because you are; at risk from further abuse and violence from predatory men who are paying you for sex and/or you're engaging in BDSM which is not safe outside of a consensual BDSM relationship where both parties care about each other and stick to 'safe, consensual and sane' activities.

You're also at risk of causing more specific harm to yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to help

No worries. You're on the right track in terms of knowing what that track is! So press for the help you need