Name changer here!
ExP is still using my house as a base to see our three DC's. He has not done anything to change this situation in 3 years now and it's getting a bit tiring. He can be here 2 or 3 weeknights for a couple of hours (not staying over) and then stays here all weekend with us to maximise his time with them. The rest of the time he stays either at his parents (not suitable for kids; death trap/alcoholic parent) or his girlfriends (also not suitable; a studio flat 20 miles away). Whilst it's lovely that he wants to see so much of them, our co-parenting relationship has taken a real knock lately. He can be emotionally abusive and has issues respecting my boundaries. His near constant presence is also scuppering any chance of privacy or building my own life and I'm starting to quietly seeth with resentment as he's using everybody for his own benefit and it's really getting old. We normally get on quite well but as of late he has been nasty and disrespectful and the atmosphere is pretty unpleasant. Things have really deteriorated.
In fairness, this pattern began for honest reasons; DC2 has SEN and has subsequently been diagnosed with ASD. Said DC struggles with changes to routine and hasn't reacted well to convos regarding the future so far. There were also financial implications at first and he has also been responsible for getting them into bed on some of my shifts (hence why it was easier to give him a key and let him get on with it since he had no base).
Obviously this has to change fairly soon and I'm aiming for the summer holidays so we can get our DC1's exams out of the way (don't want any sudden upheaval to cost DC1 good grades). I also need to prepare DC2 with lots of prior notice.
ExP made possible mumblings about moving in with his gf at some point which I was pleased to hear but this keeps getting pushed further and further back and I'm beginning to wonder whether he has any intentions of changing his status quo at all. It's going to have to be up to me to force the issue (possibly by moving)! I had planned to move house in the summer anyway so that's not an issue as such. But exP (if he does get a place) won't move near the kids school (his gf doesn't want to uproot her life - fair enough). So he might well end up moving around 20 miles away. If I move slightly further out (not far, within reach of the kids school) we might even be 25 miles away by tube and train. ExP doesn't drive and I do.
Despite this, ExP is INSISTENT that he wants the kids 50-50 and no less. I understand that that's the fairest way and in theory I have no issues with this. However I really don't think it will be fair or workable for the kids, for the following reasons:
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Weekends are not a problem but how on Earth he thinks it's fair to drag two primary aged school kids (and potentially a sixth former) on the tube for half the weekdays to and from school is beyond me. They will be shattered all the time. It really is from the northest northeast of London to the southest south west of London and can take up to 2-3 hours of travel in rush hour.
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DC2 will not cope with all the upheaval. Not in the slightest. How he thinks all the travelling, the two homes half the time, etc would be fair I just don't see. DC2 will suffer and there will be more meltdowns than ever. Really don't think I'm exaggerating here as DC2 is a mess the next if they're not in bed on time, not to mention missing me (I am usually the bedtime AND breakfast routine person).
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DC3 (3 yo) doesn't even start school properly until 2019, so will be in school nursery from Sept this year, half days only. ExP will expect me to collect DC3 at midday on my days off and then probably pick up DC2 again at 3pm and keep hold of them until silly o'clock when he can take them overnight (probably already dead on their feet) or even worse, expect me to transport them on the tube to his area. And then only to wake them up early to travel that 20 miles again up to school, probably getting them a late mark (he is shit with timekeeping). And then lather rinse repeat for his days. It's fucking madness. I do have a childminder to pick him up on my working days, but I will be expected to pick up the kids on his contact days until he's ready for them. Um, no.
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I have a feeling he's only wants 50-50 so he doesn't have to pay me any maintenance. None of what he's proposing makes any sense nor is it fair on our DC's (or me)!
I don't want to be unreasonable and I have no will to separate ExP from his kids (they would be equally devastated not to see him much anymore). But he is threatening to take me to court if I don't split the custody 50-50. (He wants 3 days one week, 4 days the next). I have heard nowadays that courts will just order 50-50 and let the chips fall where they may but I know my kids well and what ExP is proposing is an untenable situation which could cause lasting damage (not to sound over dramatic). It's just all so constantly unsettling. If he were planning to live nearer it wouldn't be so bad, but travelling 40 miles a day on the tube, 3 or 4 consecutive days a week is madness. Not fair on them. DC2 in particular won't cope and DC3 is so young. DC1 will get fed up too but is old enough to opt out if necessary.
What do I do? How can I make him see that he needs to be fairer on them even if it means making sacrifices himself? (Like I have done for a looooong time for his benefit). If it ends up in court, what is the likely outcome?
For balance, I was the SAHM and now work locally part time over 2-3 days. He works 50 hours a week over 5 days in central London. They live with me and always have done, but he is currently seeing them 4-5 days a week (even if only for half hour before bed on some weeknights).