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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel so guilty

20 replies

Cath2907 · 04/04/2018 12:13

I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has depression (I guess he always has done). He doesn't work and is supposed to be a SAHD. I work full time from home but I also do 90% of everything else. I am tired and fed up of looking after a man-child. He is unhappy and doesn't like this life. He didn't really want kids (we have 1), he is bored but doesn't want to get a job working for someone else. His ideas for own businesses have always been a failure.
I cook and clean and food shop and look after the dog and launder and pay all the bills and make all the appointments and remember what everyone needs to be doing. all he has to do is empty and refil the dishwasher and get kid to and from school on time. He doesn't even do anything with her when they get home so she spends her time on the computer until I can finish work and bother with her. Today I have got up with the dog and the kid and fed the dog and done the 1 million loo stops a puppy needs and fed the kid and made the bed (that he got out of after me and just left in a mess) and arranged an activity for them to do with my sister and her kids as they couldn't think of anything and remembered the kids antiboitics and done a full mornings work. I didn't get time for breakfast - he did!

I need to tell him it is over. I am not sure even if he turned it around and became the model househusband I could swallow this burning lump of resentment that is threatening to choke me. He'd still be miserable and his misery would be making me miserable.

He hasn't worked for 8 years so I am not sure how he'd get back into the job market. I guess I'd have to pay spousal maintenance but I don't know how much. I just feel bad that I'd be throwing out a depressed manchild who doesn't know how to look after himself and has no money. We are 180 miles from his family (he wanted to move here not me).

I can't do this anymore, I just can't. Our sex life has been rocky since the kid came along 7 years ago. I guess I've been frustrated by his behavior since then. It's been non-existent since Xmas (a relief to be honest as I don't sleep with someone I don't like very much). Mostly we put on a good face in front of the kid and even have some fun sometimes but I am struggling to maintain that face and feel like I am continually on the verge of blowing my stack.

I hate conflict so I've put this off time and time again but I can't anymore. I finally told my sister this morning and my cock-lodging manchild seems to have been a family topic. Everyone is waiting for me to stop defending him and to see sense. I just feel so disloyal and so sad for the relationship I thought we'd have. I feel sad for him, I'll be happy to have the house to myself and to have this atmosphere removed but what is going to happen to him?

OP posts:

TM71 · 04/04/2018 12:24

He is a sponger best thing for you and your DC is to end it and make him move out. If he comes up with excuses where to go, if he has family he can go and live with him.

I would not procrastinate, I would give him 24hrs to get his stuff together and to get out. Let him become someone elses problem.

TM71 · 04/04/2018 12:25

Oh and buy him a one way train ticket back to his family. If he needs money he can go and sign on.

sockunicorn · 04/04/2018 12:27

So sorry op . Think you know what’s for the best and need to just bite the bullet. As sad as it is, he’s not your problem. Also it may be the wake up call he needs and the best thing to happen for both of you

claret3189 · 04/04/2018 12:29

so sorry to hear you are going through this tough time. It does sound like you are pretty much single at the minute with everything you have to do on your own. Hope you have lots of support x

StormTreader · 04/04/2018 12:32

Has he been to the GP about his depression? Is he on any anti-depressants? When mine was bad it was literally all I could manage to go to and from work, and to sleep - I lost stones of weight through not managing to eat. Its a nasty condition but "just leaving it untreated" isn't an option when you have family to be responsible for.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2018 12:50

Yes, surely he can't think it's OK to just do NOTHING all day every day?

Is it actually depression? Has he been diagnosed? Is he having treatment? Or is just sheer laziness?

It's not going to be a nice conversation but yes, you need to tell him it's over. Don't feel guilty, you've been propping him up for years. It's about time you looked after yourself and your DD.

RavenLG · 04/04/2018 12:56

If he has diagnosed depression then it truly is an awful thing, and I struggle with getting out of bed some days.

That being said, you need to take priority for your mental health too, and if it is crushing you as much as you say then you need to get out. You deserve happiness too.

Original poster

Cath2907 · 04/04/2018 14:00

He has a diagnosis of GAD and has been on meds for that but has been off those for a few months now. I have sent him to the Dr. for depression a few times, they acknowledge that he does sound depressed. He has had a little counselling but said it didn't help. He doesn't want meds and I don't think he really accepts how dissasociated he is from the family. Even our DD talks about Daddy lying on the sofa or Daddy having a lie in. However he can get his shit together enough to do things that interest him and it isn't as if he does nothing all day - he just does his hobbies that interest and benefit him. He just never sticks to anything for long and is always trying to make it into a business. He is utterly disatisfied and negative about where his life has led to but what he wants is to be Richard Branson and that is just never going to happen. I supported his business ideas for years despite my misgivings but they just ended up costing us money. I am not bitter about that but it does mean I don't support these ideas anymore which means he no longer talks about it anymore and as that is all his interests it means we don't talk. He doesn't like to talk about my work and is always negative about it - doesn't understand why I care or thinks they take advantage or is annoyed because I am working late or away with work which means he has to step up and do something.

I supported him through his anxiety which, to be fair to him, was crippling and awful. I was up in the night with him when he had panic attacks, left places immediately when he became claustraphobic, took on kid ferrying duties as well so that he didn't have to deal with people when they set him off. If he was depressed and dealing with it then I'd be more understanding - he is more miserable and making me miserable and that is harder to be supportive of.

The more I write it down the worse it sounds...

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 04/04/2018 14:00

Yes, finish with him. You'd still be doing everything but he'd have to look after the kids on his days and at least you wouldn't resent it. Speak to a solicitor and see what you'd have to do but there's no reason why he can't work!

ravenmum · 04/04/2018 14:05

You never know, maybe it will take you breaking up for him to do something about his depression. Sometimes you have to get right down to the bottom to get the kick in the arse you need to start clambering back up.

Bluebelle38 · 04/04/2018 14:13

You are enabling him by doing it all. That's not a negative, just stating a fact. . He clearly doesn't want to change the way things are. You are doing the right thing.

Eatmycheese · 04/04/2018 14:13

He’s treating you like his mother
Let her deal with him.

there is no respect, no effort, no rapport, no team work and ultimately no point.

Set yourself and your daughter free then perhaps he will at least stir his stumps and stop being such a pathetic excuse for a father

You deserve more and I am angry for you 💐

ravenmum · 04/04/2018 14:20

Might sound cold but I'd consider rehoming the dog while he is still young - better to do it then than being forced to do it later, unless one of you is more likely to have the kids and the other the dog.

Original poster

Cath2907 · 04/04/2018 15:18

Not the dog????? I love the dog! I work from home full-time so if hubby wasn't here I'd have to get up a bit earlier to get the dog a walk before breakfast and then get the kid to school by 8:30am to be home to start work at 9. I could also give the dog a walk at lunchtime and collect the kid from after school club by about 5pm. We live near my family so if hubby wouldn't have the dog whilst I was working I am sure my parents would have him (they are happier to look after the dog than DD!) As I am in during the day the dog has company and someone to let him out for wees. Although I accept I am probably the only one who does like the dog.

Oh and it is only one kid - she is a 7yr old DD.

I was angry for me but now it is sinking in I am sad for me. I knew all this about 5 years ago last time I said I couldn't live like this anymore. He made a halfhearted effort to change and to see the GP but it has gradually slid back further and further (not that he ever really did anything close to his share). I will tell him tonight and ask him to move to the spare room with an intention to find himself somewhere else to go. Perhaps for a week or two he can use our caravan on a local site whilst he works out where he wants to live and what he wants to do but I need to keep reminding myself that it isn't my problem to sort out.

He was going to take DD down his mothers Fri - Sun anyway so if he does that he should get a start on having a think.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 04/04/2018 15:43

OP, i could have written this myself 3 years ago, except that my DH was never a SAHD. He did go out to work but never lifted a finger at home, leaving me to deal with working full-time, a DD with some mild SEN requiring appointments, the dog, the house and garden...everything. It was awful and soul-sapping. When we finally split up and he moved out, it genuinely felt as if a weight had lifted from me. I didnt really miss him, because he never contributed anything to my life. His relationship with our daughter improved hugely as well, as he HAD to interact with her more on his weekends.

He discovered that he was perfectly capable of running his own home, and washing, cooking and cleaning for himself. He now has a nice girlfriend and a functioning adult life. We are both much happier.

ravenmum · 04/04/2018 15:52

Cath I also work from home and look after the dog, but don't have anyone else to look after her at all; you sound like there will at least be someone else there. In my case, though I love the dog, I do feel a bit sorry that she is now past puppy stage and thus too old to rehome. It can be quite a bind and isn't ideal for her either.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 04/04/2018 15:55

Spousal maintenance . He is deluded. And you need to toughen up.
You can't help a fucker who won't help himself.
Sure that's a mn legitimate expression!
Depression is a real thing but lazy fucking itis ain't.

ravenmum · 04/04/2018 15:58

If he is a SAHP he is surely entitled to spousal maintenance? Or do you have to provide proof that you do anything, to get it?

CrazyDuchess · 04/04/2018 16:11

Do you think he feels guilty when you are having to pick up his slack?? I am stumped he couldnt even manage to take your DD to school (trust me I understand anxiety and depression)

Get rid and don't worry about feeling guilty!

notapizzaeater · 04/04/2018 16:22

You need to look our for you and dd not him, can you get legal advice before you make the first strike ?

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