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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Possibly an odd relationship

23 replies

Aaliyahali · 04/04/2018 11:52

Im due to give birth this saturday: 7th April. Im just indoors reflecting on everything. Partner has gone out to work. Im just in bed thinking I cant believe that any time soon the baby will be here and i will no longer be pregnant which feels somewhat overwhelming. Maybe because I felt so alone in this pregnancy despite living with my partner for 9 months and very soon now I will be a mother, my life is about to change for ever. I will no longer ever be alone. I feel selfish for saying I want my baby to myself and no1 else. Im feeling abit of anger towards my partner. When i told him i was pregnant last year he came across as happy although we were together only 4 months at the time. It was unplanned and this is my first so i was scared but happy too. I left my mums and went to move in with him as i felt it was best. I felt he was going to really take care of me. Especially because we got pregnant a month before that, but sadly misscarried. But I feel somewhat used. I worked full time till week 33 and after work id drive back to his house (50 miles away) and cleaned and cooked everyday. It became my life routine. He would be back at night from work. So only really spent time together when it was time for bed around 11pm as he worked on weekends too. His a vegetarian and despite knowing i aint he still would get angry when id eat or cook meat so i completly stopped eating it 4 him. We are of different religions and I had to stop telling him my beliefs as that also angered him so if anything i have made alot of sacrifices for him and had to adapt to his ways. He hasnt attend any antental appointments, although his self employed and choses his hours of work. We go out together (to eat or go for a walk or something) like every 4 or 5 months and i'v only been with him one year n abit. So that's hardly any memories. He hasn't taken a pregnancy pic of me yet or Any pic of me since being together but always takes pics of him with friends and animals in the garden. Didnt come to the baby 4d scan i paid for. Never pleasured me before sexually. Only uses me to satisfy himself for a minute or two. (Even few times put a pillow infront my face and covers his ears and never touched me once down there with his hand - only once or twice used the back on his hand to rub me when having sex) which felt so offensive. Gave me herpes but he denys having it despite his blood test being borderline and mine negative. I may need a C section so been very anxious. His met all my family even cousins but i havent once met any of his even though they all live local and he sees them all alot so i feel awkward. Done nothing on valentines day or my birthday. But i spent so much money on his bday and v day present. So now im in debt as i dont work nomore and doesnt supprt me. Claims i need to work 4 him in admin if i want to earn some money. I have been slacking on the cleaning and cooking now so calls me lazy but im Just tired thats all. Tells me cooking n cleaning n being pregnant is not work. I honestly forgot what food and films i like. My personality has changed. I used to love bring independent and going out when i felt like it but feel my happiness has been taken away. Told his mum and dad i was pregnant only two months ago but they dont ever ask about me. He gave me money for pram and cot but he refused to go baby shopping with me few times so i done the baby room all by myself. Even built the cot and everything alone. Fitted in car seat etc. He only just prdered the wardrobe which will be coming late in 4 weeks so mine and baby stuff are in plastic bags while he has a hige wardrobe for himself. Dont want to give up though as he is working to pay his mortgage and does come back everynight. I can imagine self employment and having your own business must be stressfull but still something dont feel right. Doesnt physically abuse me or anything. But i feel i lost all my friends and life basically. Lack of support got me feeling angry like dont u dare say its your baby when you never even once checked how im feeling or rubbed my tummy to bond with the baby. This herpes thing i believe was him cheating on me also but only before i got pregnant in first 4 months as i found old sexually messages on his phone. (His phone was unlocked without him realising) but i no he ain't done nothing whilst i was pregnant and has changed in that aspect. When i argue he uses my bad past and my origin (im half asain) against me tellijg me its coz of that i am damaged or dont know what im saying. And has few times told me im lucky coz most girls would need to pay rent and bills. So bit of gaslighting going on there. He spends all free time on his phone and not speaking with me so it confuses me when he randomly comes home with a bunch of flowers and gives me a hug and kiss. I never know how to react anymore i tend to keep my mouth shut now. What are your views on this

OP posts:
GoddessInTraining · 04/04/2018 13:12

What are you actually getting from this relationship? This man clearly has no respect for you and shows next to no interest in your pregnancy.

He hasn’t been supportive in any way and I highly doubt that will change once the baby arrives. Can you stay with family at all because you will need support around you once your DC arrives. If I were you, I’d think long and hard about what you actually want out of a relationship and what kind of environment you want to raise your child in.

PrettyLittIeThing · 04/04/2018 13:16

I stopped reading towards the end And your with him because...?

StopPOP · 04/04/2018 13:23

Possibly in an odd relationship?

No "possibly" about it.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 04/04/2018 13:28

Jesus Christ. This is not good. There is no doubt that you need to leave him. Do it for your baby.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/04/2018 13:29

He doesn't want this baby. He doesn't want you. The sex thing is odd - is he gay? Because he is going to make your life a complete misery when that baby comes and he knows you can't get away, I'd think he'll expect you to cook and clean on your knees, while he plays 'proud father' only to hand the baby back for you to do all the grunt work with.

You need to get out and get away. You never mention being in love at any point and the baby can't be that unplanned if you'd already had a miscarriage you knew your contraception wasn't up to snuff. So leave. Go, have your baby in a more supportive environment - would your parents help out?

sunsetheaven · 04/04/2018 13:31

Can you go back to live with your mother?

Cricrichan · 04/04/2018 13:33

Omg you need to leave him now!

HoppingPavlova · 04/04/2018 13:37

I had the same thought when reading, is he actually gay and in denial with himself, or for cultural reasons etc? It would make sense.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2018 13:42

I really think you need to move back in with your Mother before the baby arrives.

If he has been this disinterested during your pregnancy, can't see him being any help at all with the baby. You need to take action now.

He sounds vile, I'm really not sure why you are with him at all.

Aaliyahali · 05/04/2018 14:45

No his against gay people. My brother is gay and talks bad of him because of it. He definitely likes women. But maybe lost attraction 2 me as a few times he did say i look different and have lost my shape and am very fat now (i wonder if he thought pregnant women actually lose weight during pregnancy). Loss of attraction but feeling you have to be in the relationship for example a baby can make one act this way so thats what im putting it down too. Most def doesnt deserve me. But this was my wrong doing for trusting him too soon. I can go to my mums but im due in 2 days and its only going to cause more stress which im trying to avoid because of this herpes i ever so randomly and recently got. If only i had the money to just get up and leave without a care in the world. I miss my independence and working. Me not earning hardly anything anymore (maternity leave) has made it even harder to just leave. Im just praying i have a healthy baby now as i plan on giving birth vaginally and heard neonatal herpes kills newborns.

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 05/04/2018 15:04

Apart from anything else have you discussed herpes with your midwife? There's a greater risk if you've contracted it recently https://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/1103.aspx?CategoryID=54

Thingsdogetbetter · 05/04/2018 15:16

Hating gay people does not stop someone from being gay! What a strange idea. It's long been theorized that homophobia is most prolific in people who fear they themselves are gay but can't handle that fact.

Regardless, he treats you like crap and will continue to treat you like crap when the baby is born. More likely to get worse when you are trapped with the baby. Staying sounds like it will be much stressful long term than the stress of leaving now. Is this really the life you want for your child ?

NomsQualityStreets · 05/04/2018 15:39

Honestly I would go to your mums now.

It might be stressful to move but it sure as hell will be more stressful when the baby is here and you're recovering, looking after a tiny newborn and having to wait hand and foot on a horrible man child who if I assume correctly will not lift a finger to help you and will keep bringing you down.

At least you will have some sort of support if you move back.

Aaliyahali · 05/04/2018 15:43

I spoke with midwife couple weeks ago when i got a recurrence (finally realised i contracted this) who referred me the obstetrician. Im on anti viral meds till labour. Lesion has gone but still feel a pain (pinching feeling when i walk in same spot) and im due in 2 days. But obstetritian suggests i still have a vag birth for some reason. Im scared of a section and wouls prefer a vag birth but i may still be virally shedding considering im on meds daily since two weeks now. Thought of harming and killing my baby will destroy me. His put me through alot of pain and distress and doesnt seem to notice it. And yeah im aware i should leave him becsuse if it was my future daughter in that position id be so angry and hurt

OP posts:
rach01pink · 05/04/2018 15:45

Go home and forget this guy.. Baby coming is gonna make it worse..for babies sake go to your mums and focus on being a good mum

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/04/2018 15:47

If I was your dm I would be devastated to think this was your life. Please go home to your family.
You don't owe him anything and you will be doing your precious baby a disservice staying with such a man.

Go home pet, just pack up and go home.

iggleypiggly · 05/04/2018 15:50

Please leave ASAP. He doesn’t deserve and treats you with no respect. It will be hard at first but you will get the valuable support and help that is vital in first few weeks with a newborn. Leave him and don’t look back Flowers

Aaliyahali · 06/04/2018 16:32

Ok well i have left to go home. I didnt tell him i was leaving him, I Just told him i need to be near my mum and the hospital and he agreed with my decision. So i have been at my mums for a couple days now. I like it here as i dont have to cook and clean. Just relax. Im due tomorrow but i cant see it happening as i dont have any labour symptoms yet. I will see what happens after baby is here. Hoping shes well and healthy i will go back with my mum with baby but it may end up messy as my boyfriend really wont approve!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/04/2018 16:53

Hi Aaliyahali Thanks for the update. I am SO glad to hear that you are at your Mum's. In fact, you've made my day. Well done for doing that, I know it is not an easy decision.

Hope everything goes well with the birth - let us know! Flowers

minimalpatience · 06/04/2018 19:48

You (everyone) deserves better than how you're being treated. So many warning bells ringing. The fact that you have never met his family despite his parents knowing doesn't bode well. Without meaning to sound cruel but do they disapprove?

Rach000 · 06/04/2018 20:19

Stay with your mum. Don't go back to live with him once the baby is born. You will end up doing all the looking after of the baby as well as cleaning and cooking etc. Have you told your mum what has been happening?

Jon66 · 06/04/2018 20:27

My immediate thought is he's gay, my second is to leave and don't go back.

iggleypiggly · 06/04/2018 21:59

Well done, that is amazing. You and your new daughter deserve much better. You are a very strong woman. Don’t look back. Flowers

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