How to get ok with OW

[Ilovecrumpets]

Hi everyone

Just looking to see if anyone has advice with something I am really struggling with.

My H ( together 18 years, married 10)left at the start of the year following an affair of at least 8 months. We have DC 6 and 3.

He immediately moved in with OW ( although pretended he was staying with a friend). I went out of my way to ensure he still saw the kids lots ( moving out myself e/o weekend, he comes to do bath and bed here during the week). I discovered that he had been spending all of his time with the kids with OW there ( including pretending she was me to use my membership of things ). He didn’t tell me about this ( infact has never actually told me about her). He then took the kids to stay at her flat where he lives without mentioning to me.

Obviously I am finding this all difficult - both for myself and also to hear the kids talking about her and all the stuff they do together. My ex is very competitive and tries to outdo me on everything - I don’t want to get into some sort of who can be the most fun parent so am trying to avoid. But I do find the boring Mum/ Disney Dad and OW hard. I am always positive about her and my ex to the kids.

However I know I have to accept she may be a long term fixture in my kids life. And I’m trying to see the positive that she is clearly making an effort with them which is good for them ( doing Easter egg hunts for them, buying favourite foods). And they like her.

I’d really like to get to a place where I find a way to be OK with all of this. I don’t want to become a bitter person. I don’t want to feel like this whenever I hear about her - both for my kids and for myself. I won’t let my ex dominate my life going forwards ( as he has done for so many years).

I’ve managed to get to an ok place about the affair, the things he has done and said during the marriage but the OW and kids is the thing I really am struggling with ( along with not having the kids at home with me all the time anymore). If anyone has advice of a way to deal with it please do let me know!

You sound like a very respectable mature kind woman despite everything that’s happened - good for you. There’s not much advice I can offer but I would say this, as immoral as have behaviour may be she didn’t make vows to you. The ex did and as you’ve said, she’s making an effort with your kids. I know this doesn’t help but when you’re feeling annoyed and upset just think of this, direct your feelings towards the ex as he’s the one in the wrong and be glad the children are happy. Another way to look at it, is if he’d do that to you and the kids there’s nothing saying he won’t to her in the future.

What do you do when the kids are out of the house? Could you have a girlfriend over? Go out for lunch? Or just generally distract yourself and have some much deserved you time.

I think you’re already into a winning path
You have the total upper hand and sound like a decent human being.
He’s a dick the way he’s gone about this, but at least the ow is good with your kids, it would be more traumatic for them otherwise.

Just remember, you are their mum and they won’t ever love anyone like they love you. And when they are all grown up, they’ll remember how well you handled all of this.

So I would just continue as is. You’re allowed to not be ok with it too! That doesn’t make you bitter.

I will leave the advice to others who have more experience with this but I just wanted to say that I had to do a double-take to make sure I had understood the timeline properly. It is a real testament to you and the love you have for your children that you have got yourself so quickly into a position where you are thinking as you are.
I know people who never get there or take years and years. I can only hope I would be as dignified, progressive and selfless as you should I ever find myself in the same boat.
I hope you get some great advice!

Thank you everyone, your messages are very kind.

I now realise my ex was EA to me for a long time and it has left me in a place where I question any negative reaction I have to his behaviour as me being unreasonable. So maybe finding this difficult is actually ok! And it will take that old cliche of time.

As to how I have got to this place, it isn’t really noble motivations I just don’t want him to have power over me or my life anymore ( and certainly not to know he has). And I won’t let myself become a bitter person and waste my energy on him. Often it hurts very badly, but I think deep down I’m quite arrogant and don’t think he is better than me

And more than anything I want my kids to be ok. I have a great counsellor who said to me you should try and put more energy into loving your kids than hating the ex, and I think that is true!

Hi crumps I’ve said it before but I admire your strength and maturity. What you’re talking about is incredibly difficult, to put your ego and hurt aside for the sake of your dcs. Can’t really offer too much advice but it really does sound like his loss. It’s gonna take time for your heart to catch up and truly let what you had go but it sounds like you’re already doing well.

OP you sound like a very nice person.

It also sounds like you are better off without him, she is trying very hard to make him happy (jumping through hoops) i wonder what type of a woman actually comes into another woman's home like that (after stealing her husband) they sound like they deserve each other.

The best thing you can do is get in with your life, be happy and stay busy. Enjoy your children and try not pay too much attention to what they're up to.

Doesn’t really matter about the motivation of why you’re behaving in a dignified way, you are behaving in a dignified way!
If nothing else, you’ll get great satisfaction out of that.

Thanks again everyone and hi lonely

I think OW is probably younger and maybe a bit naive.

I have to say I’ve had so much support from mn that it has really helped me through! To have somewhere to post at hard times is such a help, and people are so kind with their time and support.

Not helpful I know but what an utter arse your ex is.

My dear, you will go far. Watch this space.

Well ain't she got the booby prize. An EA cheat. Yuk.

It's not so easy to be rational when we have to hand our babies over to another woman who has done us great harm. Give yourself time to acclimatise to that. A day may come when she cringes at what she did to you. Let's hope so.

Keep going. You are wonderful

Can you take yourself off somewhere when he has the kids, to a big open space, and yell and scream and shout what you would really like to do to him? Obviously make sure there isn't anyone about first... sometimes offloading, even if to the atmosphere, can help gain that feeling of 'calm'.

Or punch a pillow. That works too.

It takes time..the first time my ex drove off with our kids and ow to the 'family' christmas it nearly broke me but 3 years on I am very much 'meh' about it . I use the time they are away from me to do all the things I can't do when they are here like admin, haircuts etc and to have a social life. I give very little thought to her at all these days. You sound amazingly calm for so early on.

I have a great counsellor who said to me you should try and put more energy into loving your kids than hating the ex

That's brilliant advice.

Another good piece...is that the best revenge is living your life well. Moving on and being happy.

Do you actually need to have any interaction with her?

Just remeber this she ended up with a cheat so niether of their morals are on par with yours. Just concentrate on your kiddos.
One thing though. Did you say you move out e/o weekend so dad can stay at yours with the kids and presumably the OW. Or did I read that wrong?
If you do stop doing that!

I've found that only time really helps. My ex did similar (although we weren't together as long as you were), and the OW was very quickly involved with our DS. It was so, so hard in the beginning, but now I'm pretty much indifferent to it all.

What I found freeing was realising that I could tie myself up in knots worrying about what was happening and thinking about the good times they might be having, or live my own life, making things as happy as possible for DS and me.

Lots of brilliant advice.

My addition is that you sound like an amazing woman. You really do!

Wow op you sound amazing. It also looks like the ow did you a favour as he was emotionally abusing you.

So now even though you have less time with the kids, you can have proper quality time when they're with you. You can get stuff done so that you have little housework etc to do when they're around and you also have free time to go out and have fun, to go to the gym, weekends away with friends, dating etc. All the things you wouldn't be able to do with the kids.

OP you are handling this with such dignity. Good on you for wanting to get on with a lovely peaceful life and harbour no resentment. I had therapy for something similar and my therapist said to pay attention to negative feelings and write them in a journal. But also important to write the good stuff, eg how empowered you are now and how well all the MNetters think you’re doing. Just a suggestion

As with everyone else you sound very dignified, you seem to be handling the situation brilliantly.

I’ve been through this and the best piece of advice I could give is that if you ever have to interact with the OW is to continue being your normal dignified self. Be polite, courteous and keep it business like. You don’t owe her anything, you don’t need to be her friend. Smile, hold your head up high, take great comfort in the fact you are the sane parent, kids aren’t stupid they soon work out that your the stable rock in their lives.

Let dad and his floozy try and impress them, she’s won a prize turd, the shiny shit will soon lose his sparkle. The best way to get your revenge is try and move on and live a happy fulfilled life..it’ll annoy the living shit out of Mr Glittery Turdy pants and his side portion of shit.

Thank you all for your kind words - I really wasn’t looking for compliments but I do appreciate all the positive things said very much. It really helps when I have those moments of doubt.

I will definitely try some of the tips. Had a lovely day today with the DC, getting back into our rhythm again and I do so much prefer being just them and me to how it often was in my marriage.

To anyone else who has been through this too some . It’s tough!

You sound like a remarkable woman xx

You sound lovely OP and if we met in real life I’d be your friend, not his. You win karma wise and ultimately being the better more decent person will see you do better in life. Keep your head up and your dignity. The best revenge is to be happy. Write a list of all the things you couldn’t do when you were with him. Start doing those things when you don’t have the kid ds. Salsa dancing classes or a running club etc...get yourself out there. Surround yourself with fun friends and good times. That said, the way he acted by allowing the OW to be you is despicable. If you are still letting them use your house then stop. It is ok for you to put your foot down and have some boundaries. He’s taken liberties and shouldn’t be indulged any further. He really wants his cake and eat it too. Time for any indulging and facilitating to stop. Good luck to you and if you haven’t already, go speak to a good solicitor and start putting wheels in motion to get him formally out of your life. Be the driving force and show him your true strength.

You sound like a wonderful mother and person.