Am still cross

[mellongoose]

Yesterday we had a huge argument. Started over something stupid (like always) and quickly escalated.

I can't let his rudeness go in an argument (I know I should) so he goes on and on. The insults get worse. In the end I had a panic attack.

It sounds more dramatic than it was but he still hasn't apologised. Should he? Should I? Ugh it's rubbish. We sound like a pair of children.

Why do you think you should let his rudeness go?

I articulate better than him in an argument. When he has nowhere else to go he gets personal.

How often does this happen?

About once a month. It's the second time I've had a panic attack. We've been together 8 years. We have a 3yo.

We are usually great. But we are not good at having arguments

Would you consider going on a marriage course? DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really helped us communicate and deal with conflict better.

The moment one person turns to insults, the other person walks away until everyone has calmed down.

I don't understand the dynamic your are describing though. What do you mean his rudeness. Can you give an example of how it starts and escalates?

Oh god, this was us two nights ago.... he was being extremely dramatic, I was hysterical, shaking etc. He was saying things that he knows press ALL my buttons.

I don't know the answer though. He seems to be able to walk away, go to bed, sleep. I'm the opposite and will stew all night long. The sulking then continues next day until one of us normally softens. I hate it though. God I hate it.

I hope you guys gave patched it up. Once a month sounds quite frequent.

Once a month probably coincides with pmt.

He wanted to go into his office and do half an hour work when I needed help with dc. I was sorting out dinner and dc needed a bath. He's normally on it. His work is creative so if the moment passes it's over.

I don't know why he "asked " me. I've said before that if he had to go and do it while the house is busy he should just go and make sure the door is shut.

His timing was terrible so I said I could do with his help actually. He then said I don't believe in his career etc. Etc. Then he flounced off. I find this rude because I do believe in his career. I feel I do what I can to make sure it happens. I followed him to say that what he said wasn't true and it escalated. I shouldn't have followed him. But he shouldn't have said those things.

Hopeful evening bump.

He drops an offensive (to me) bomb and walks away. I need to let him bugger off, don't I?

You need to let him cool off, and so do you - whether you think you do or not (probably not if you're anything like me and you think you've articulated perfectly clearly and how he could disagree is beyond you).

You both need to calm down and come at it calmer. DH and I often have a second mini fight the next day, where we both fight out corners again, but agree to disagree because we actually do really love each other.

Just go and do something to distract yourself. Read a book or get planning something. You'll soon find it's not as infuriating as it was when you were just stewing.

That sounds awfully like he was looking for a fight
He then said I don't believe in his career etc. Etc. Then he flounced off.

Does it usually start like that?

Tbh I wouldn't have followed but I would have said "You asked and I answered. The next half hour needs both of us."

I have noticed that for some women PMT means they are less of a doormat (not saying you are a doormat). When grumpy they short circuit all that socialisation to be nice and let men win, thus behaving more "normally" when they've got PMT.