Could my DH be on the spectrum?

[HintUp]

Hi,

I'm trying to understand my DH of 8 years, and I've been wondering recently whether he may be on the spectrum. Some of the things I am struggling with:

• he prefers his own space. If we were on holiday for example and were given 2 separate beds, he would much prefer that. He'd only come over to mine when he wanted to have sex
• he never gets excited or over joyed. Everything is ok/fine. Even if I bought him a present, he wouldn't get excited. He doesn't get emotional. So say someone close to him died, he will say all the right things, but doesn't appear to actually 'feel' much at all.
• if it were up to him, we would only cuddle or have physical contact after sex
• he doesn't notice when I look nice and I have to literally ask for compliments
• he finds it very very difficult to empathise when I'm ill or in pain
• he finds it very difficult to see things from my point of view, and understand the impact of his action or inaction on me
• he doesn't make me feel loved. But tbh he doesn't really make anyone in his family feel loved
• he doesn't take a genuine interest in my life or my career plans or what I want. But at the same time he doesn't expect me to be involved in his.
• It's almost like he prefers to live in his own little world.

Ultimately all of this makes me feel quite lonely. I must mention he does have excellent social skills, although he tires of people very very quickly, and is very glad to see his close family leave after an hour.

So is my husband on some form of spectrum? Or am I looking for excuses for his behaviour? I don't think he does any of the above on purpose. I have explained to him many times why the above doesn't work for me, but it's reached a point where I genuinely feel tired of, what to him comes across as criticism.

Also to add to the list what someone described on another thread, is spot on:

"He's not an uncaring person, he's just not always quite present. He's very loving and cuddly in general, but I've begun to realise that he's fulfilling his needs rather than mine. He's always available for hugs if I need them, he just doesn't always know when I need them!"

It’s possible. Nobody can say for certain unless he got a diagnosis.
You’ll get people coming along saying their marriage with their ASD DH is terrible, how they left their DH etc. Which I totally understand, having ASD doesn’t mean you can behave like an arse.
Excellent social skills could just mean he’s picked them up through observation.

What DO you like about him?

@toffee1000 he lets me be me, doesnt attempt to control me or demand much from me. He is a great dad, and has a clean heart - he never judges people. He can be funny, has exceptional manners and is very well spoken. He does have a good heart, but comes across quite selfish. But I'm almost certain he doesn't do it on purpose- he just doesn't realise he is being like that. The empathy thing is very strange - as he will see me crying but may just walk past without noticing (most of the time).

@toffee1000 thanks so much replying. Would he need to go to GP to get a diagnosis? I'm trying to come to terms with how I accept that's just the way he is.

Adult Diagnostic Process - scroll down for 'how to' options on the NAS site
www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

You've only described what he's like with you, look up the Triad of Impairments and see how he is within those descriptors to get an indication.

Google the AQ and EQ tests online and take the results to the GP if they are significant.

Read the Rebecca Burgess cartoon about the spectrum, it's not a linear scale the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Good Luck! Adult dx on the NHS takes around 2 years because there's such a high demand.

Hi @Hintup glad my thread has been of interest - what you are describing sounds very much like my partner. He is hopeless when I’m upset or stressed and will actively shut himself in his study or bury his head in his phone or distract himself with anything rather than offer support in these instances. He’s seen me breaking my heart over his behaviour over the years and he just doesn’t know how to respond or connect with that although I can often tell that he’s feeling something he just has no idea how to express it. I’ve been through some seriously difficult times in my life and all I wanted was someone caring and empathetic in my life and I marvel at how I managed to connect with someone who struggles so much with this!! Things for us have been getting to crisis point as you will have seen in my thread and having worked with Autustuc children something just clicked and fortunately he was able to see (finally) from us taking online quizzes together and from me sending him literature on Aspergers that it needed investigating. He also had a troubled childhood (his DF almost certainly undiagnosed Aspie) and needs some therapy for issues related to that so we went along to the gp together and it went from there. I would say if you can go along with your partner to as many appointments as possible if they are in agreement to it then this will make a huge difference as my partner mumbled and fell apart in surgery - playing things down etc. At the following mental health assessment he was much better. We are currently awaiting appointments with psychology team which is months unfortunately! It does sound to me very much like an ASD and very similar to my partner. Hope he can get on board with things

Hi @Hintup glad my thread has been of interest - what you are describing sounds very much like my partner. He is hopeless when I’m upset or stressed and will actively shut himself in his study or bury his head in his phone or distract himself with anything rather than offer support in these instances. He’s seen me breaking my heart over his behaviour over the years and he just doesn’t know how to respond or connect with that although I can often tell that he’s feeling something he just has no idea how to express it. I’ve been through some seriously difficult times in my life and all I wanted was someone caring and empathetic in my life and I marvel at how I managed to connect with someone who struggles so much with this!! Things for us have been getting to crisis point as you will have seen in my thread and having worked with Autustuc children something just clicked and fortunately he was able to see (finally) from us taking online quizzes together and from me sending him literature on Aspergers that it needed investigating. He also had a troubled childhood (his DF almost certainly undiagnosed Aspie) and needs some therapy for issues related to that so we went along to the gp together and it went from there. I would say if you can go along with your partner to as many appointments as possible if they are in agreement to it then this will make a huge difference as my partner mumbled and fell apart in surgery - playing things down etc. At the following mental health assessment he was much better. We are currently awaiting appointments with psychology team which is months unfortunately! It does sound to me very much like an ASD and very similar to my partner. Hope he can get on board with things smile

Hi @Hintup glad my thread has been of interest - what you are describing sounds very much like my partner. He is hopeless when I’m upset or stressed and will actively shut himself in his study or bury his head in his phone or distract himself with anything rather than offer support in these instances. He’s seen me breaking my heart over his behaviour over the years and he just doesn’t know how to respond or connect with that although I can often tell that he’s feeling something he just has no idea how to express it. I’ve been through some seriously difficult times in my life and all I wanted was someone caring and empathetic in my life and I marvel at how I managed to connect with someone who struggles so much with this!! Things for us have been getting to crisis point as you will have seen in my thread and having worked with Autustuc children something just clicked and fortunately he was able to see (finally) from us taking online quizzes together and from me sending him literature on Aspergers that it needed investigating. He also had a troubled childhood (his DF almost certainly undiagnosed Aspie) and needs some therapy for issues related to that so we went along to the gp together and it went from there. I would say if you can go along with your partner to as many appointments as possible if they are in agreement to it then this will make a huge difference as my partner mumbled and fell apart in surgery - playing things down etc. At the following mental health assessment he was much better. We are currently awaiting appointments with psychology team which is months unfortunately! It does sound to me very much like an ASD and very similar to my partner. Hope he can get on board with things smile

My son has an ASD diagnosis, and it has made me more aware of the traits that my DH has. In fact you could have been describing my DH HintUp. I can go away for a night, or go out for a few hours, and come home and he will barely acknowledge me - he never asks if I've had a good time or how my friends are, or asks after my job. He gets extremely stressed on trains if people sit near us, or in restaurants or cafes. Mine also has some routine related behaviours and difficulty with socialising that I suspect are spectrum traits. I don't know if he'd get a diagnosis, and he does ok in the world, but understanding that it is probably the way he's wired has helped me come to terms with it, rather than thinking that he's just cold and unemotional and uncaring.

Hi
Yip- your DH sounds like mine.
My DH will never accept this or seek help but in my mind it’s helped to explain a lot for me and provided some insight. For a long time I thought I was actually on the verge of going insane .....
My DH cannot handle being challenged or having a two way conversation about anything of real substance. He can become quite verbally abusive when challenged or if I show any emotion or if I am upset.
I hope your DH gets some help x

yes he could be he also could not be

Thanks everyone. I spoke to my DH about it and he doesn't see the need to get a diagnosis. He feels if it's bad behaviour, he should be able to correct it. At the same time, he doesn't understand what I want from him (!). He also feels that his family keep telling him that he is not 'present' when he goes to visit them, but doesn't understand what they want from him either.

It does sound like he could be on the spectrum.
Like you, our eldest son was diagnosed at 8, but I had an Inkling many years before that, and in fact it was me that pushed for it. Because my son is a high functioning aspie, I did a great deal of research about it, the more I did the more I realised my husband sits very comfortably somewhere on the spectrum.
I've discussed it with him (that should read: tried to broach it with him) numerous times, over the years we've gone from flat refusal to engage to 'yes, probably'.
To be honest, I can't see for us what a diagnosis would achieve (that's not to say I think the same for others).
For the most part we are good together, our boys know I am the nurturer, the one who sometimes bends rules, who dries tears, who understands. He is the stable one, he's consistent, he cares deeply about all of us but doesn't perhaps always show it in the way we'd like. I've learned to understand that though, and can see that his love is shown in different ways - he's our chef, he loves this, and feels he's giving to our family this way.
It's not all roses, but I have got better at telling him what I need, and he's got better at listening. Yes, I'd love it if we could do something without planning The minutiae but it's not going to happen.
My challenge recently is as our eldest (who is incredibly aware his dad is probably an aspie too) is coming up to his teens they lock horns, they both think they're right and often it gets loud and challenging. Sometimes I leave them to it, but most of the time I have to referee as hubby will not listen / back down / compromise, and that's not how I want my son to grow up, thinking that he's always right without giving others a chance to have a differing viewpoint. Hubby can come across as a bully, and I don't want my sons to grow up thinking that's ok.
I think hubby dad is probably on the spectrum too, and he can be incredibly bullish, I don't let that happen in our house, we're a unit and there's often more than one 'right' way or viewpoint.
Sorry, I've just realised what a long reply that was!

@HappyKatieA Thank for sharing your experience, you've coped with it fantastically well and really made it work for you, it can't have been easy for you. I am inspired by you, and really pleased to hear a positive story.