To go away with ex or not?

[Emboo19]

Feeling very confused all round and not sure if I want us to have a go at getting back together or not. We agreed to a few weeks of space and only talking about dd, which we have both stuck to. Spent time together over Easter but with dd and it was nice.

He’s booked centerparcs and asked if I want to go, if not he wants to just take dd. I kinda think he’s done it to push the idea of us giving things another try, which I don’t like. But then I think maybe I need that push to make a decision about what I want, as I honestly have no clue.
If I don’t go, I know it’s only fair to let him take dd. She’s his as much as mine and I’ve taken her away. But the most I’ve spent away from her is two nights and this would be four and she still breast feeds before bed and first thing when with me (she’s ok going without at his) I think four nights without might be what stops her completely though and I guess I’m not feeling quite ready for that, just yet but that’s my problem I know.

He’s asked me to make a decision as if I’m not going, he said he’ll ask his brother if he wants to go. I just really don’t know

If you’re going to split for good then the BF is going to stop anyway, so I wouldn’t let that be part of the decision.

The decision really is whether you feel there’s no chance of reconciling things, and only you will be able to judge the likelihood of that.

What were the issues that caused you to split in the first place? Have either of you taken any steps to change whatever they were or are they red lines for either of you?

We’ve been separated for 7 months Changed. Dd’s find going without one or two nights and to be fair sometimes even with me she’s not as bothered for it now, so I think a break like that will stop it. But she’s 18 months so it’s not the end of the world, I just feel a bit sad at the thought of her stopping.

That’s my problem I really don’t know! I thought definitely not. But I’m not so sure now, 7 months and I still love him and we still haven’t managed to properly move on despite seeing other people.

I missed off part of my initial post (I’m in desperate need of a new phone, it’s got a mind of its own this one).
But I’m thinking I either:

Go just the two of us and see if that helps me make a decision one way or the other.

Let him go with dd and see if the break from them both helps me make a decision.

There’s two bedrooms so let him invite his brother and I invite a friend and then we both get to spend time with dd and I don’t have to address my feelings at all. (I’m preferring this option but it’s probably the least sensible).

Oh and he cheated (one night thing) and I’d have definitely said red line for me. But us being seperated brought more things to the surfaces and we are both very aware that if we were to move forward it would be a very different relationship to the one we had before.
I guess that’s my biggest worry, what if it’s not good enough for me now and we end up making things more complicated and difficult to co parent. He’s much more enthusiastic about just trying and seeing how it goes, but he always been more of a gambler than me.

Personally I would just let him take her. You know how you feel about him and the future.

I wouldn't throw away a holiday. Unless he's expecting anal with it being Centre Parcs (see classics, might cheer you up)

I went away for a week when my baby was a year. I still fed when I got back. It didn't stop him. And tbh at 18 months I don't think it's a good enough reason for the dad to not be able to take your lo away especially as you said you have. But on the getting back together I wouldn't personally but only you can make that decision.

OP have you seen the thread over the weekend from a poster who has a new partner wanting to take his ex and DD on holiday? You're not the ex are you?!

I think you should only do it if there is possibility of you reconciling, otherwise you're just giving him false hope and it's not fair on him, you or your DD.

I read your previous threads Emboo and there seem to be a lot of unresolved feelings on both sides and you’re both struggling to move on.

Lots of people will no doubt disagree but personally I would go as I think it will help to make your mind up to either move forward with him in a relationship on very clear terms (knowing it’s what you both want) or to see he’s not right for you and make a clean break.

What do you have to lose? Just a weekend by the sounds of it.

I too have read your previous posts.

It does seem that you don’t want your ex but don’t want anyone else to have him either. That’s why you slept with him when he was just starting to get serious with his new partner. You admitted yourself that you were jealous of their relationship.

I think whilst you’re undecided about everything, you need more time and space away from each other.

You clearly haven’t forgiven him for cheating which is understandable. But either you forgive and forget, and get back together or you move on and allow him to do he same.

Thats my problem Personal I really don’t know how I feel about him and a possible future with him.

Ha looselips I’ve never seen the thread about it, but I’ve seen it referenced a few times so get the jist. We’ve been to centerparcs before when we were together, no comment on the anal sex though .

I think she’s getting ready to stop anyway PrettyLittle so think that amount of time will do it. Absolutely no intention of saying she can’t go with him because if it. But I guess it’s a plus for me going with as it means she hopefully carry on that bit longer.

He knows that us getting back together is a possibility we’ve disscused that and he also knows it’s not going to be as easy as saying ‘we’re together everything’s good now’ although I’m not sure what he imagines us being back together looks like. He also knows it’s possible that I won’t want to try at all or that if we do I might decided it’s not for me after all. He’s fine with any of that he says!

I’m not sure if going away is going to help or confuse me more. Or if I do just need to do what he suggests and try see how it goes and hope in the process we don’t make things worse.

I am actually ok with the cheating SShaming as stupid as that sounds. I get why he did it and I know he regrets it massively. I think it’s the other issues that I’ve only noticed since we’ve been apart and that will mean some changes from us both, but mostly him!

Has he shelved Australia OP, was that to give you a push do you think?

You two have unfinished business, perhaps you need to try again before you can really make or break. I do think you can do better, but he's always going to be in your life because of your child, so unless you give it another go I'm not sure you will truly be able to move on.

I like this option

There’s two bedrooms so let him invite his brother and I invite a friend and then we both get to spend time with dd and I don’t have to address my feelings at all

Oh he changed his mind about that about a week later Blit. Then it was something else and something else....
I’m not actually sure if I’ve not properly moved on because I still love him or because he’s just always taking up so much head space with his latest fuckery, that I can’t think straight.
But my dad has said very similar to you and he doesn’t give advice often but when he does he’s pretty spot on. My mum won’t comment because she dislikes him so much, she said she can’t even be a little bit neutral. That’s going to be a major issue if we get back together though. None of my family or friends really like him anymore and that matters to me.

Really Sandy? I do but I know it’s because I’m trying to avoid having a conversation but I’d still like a free holiday and I know I’ll really miss dd if he takes her alone.

I haven’t said what I want to do yet though. He’s been doing some work in my house so I’ve seen him but I just avoided his questions about it.
My friend would be willing to come but she really doesn’t like my ex and as we’re both good friends with his brother I think it would be us three and him on his own.

Definitely don’t take that particular friend then - that wouldn’t be fair on your ex, especially as he’s paid for the break!

It’s a difficult one. If you’d asked me any time up until about three/four months after we’d split (she cheated then told me she didn’t want to stay in the marriage) then I’d have said I’d do anything to put the relationship back together with my exW.

At six months plus the shock had worn off and the rose tinted glasses were removed. From that point, the only possible thing that would have got me to agree to try again was our DC.

If you still “don’t know” with this length of time gone then maybe there’s something more there and perhaps it’s worth trying again, with the ground rules of a new relationship stated really clearly. But IME, people aren’t often capable of changing deeply ingrained behaviour (which will apply to you both).

Emboo

That option means you both her to have a hholiday with DD, but if your friend doesn't like him...then it's not really fair to him.

Is it because he cheated she doesn't like him?

If you're not comfortable with that option, then I'd say it's best you don't go.

You and him going means...you know you're going end up sleeping with him.

When you're ready to talk about a possible reconciliation ... you need to tell him all the other things you need for him to change in order to consider it .. see if he acknowledges the issues... if he doesn't even accept them ... It's a non starter.

Whatever you decide ... take it slowly...and he needs to convince you he's worthy of a second chance... and that's not just with apologies and promising it won't happen again.

We have discussed the possibility of getting back together Sandy and all that will entail. He’s very much agreeing to do anything, but he’s always been very good at saying the right things it’s if he actually does it or more me thinking even if he does everything I ask is it enough.
So It’s just a case of me deciding if I want to try or not really. And I’m not sure if going away when I’m still undecided would be good as in help me make a decision or just complicate things more, because we will sleep together if we are there alone that I’m sure of.

None of my friends particularly like him now, mostly the cheating but also the way he was when dd was born and how he’s been since.

I decided it would be best if he takes her alone. I know I’m going to miss her terribly, but I’ve just moved house and have loads to do and I’ve arranged a few catch ups with friends to keep me busy.
His brothers going too and they’ll both keep in touch about how she is and he’s said he’ll FaceTime every evening so I can see her and say goodnight. It’s only 4 nights so I’m sure it will be fine.

Well that’s what I’m telling myself until it comes to tomorrow morning when he comes to collect her, then I’ll probs be in tears