House renovation is going to end my marriage

[Seaviewsunshine]

Sounds stupid when I write it down but that is how it feels. There are other factors in force but I think the bloody house is tipping us to the edge. I’ve been with my DH 11 years, married 6, 2 small DC (4 & 2). We had an awful time when they were babies, reflux and allergies meant they screamed and didn’t sleep. They still don’t brilliantly. We moved 18 months ago so my son could start school in a village. We managed to find a house but it needed so much more work than we realised. We maxed ourselves out on the mortgage. DH has also had health issues and I’ve changed careers. DH is working FT and doing the house. I’m working part time but hardly earning and doing all childcare/house work. We spend all weekends and holidays apart so DH can do the house. I’m living in chaos of mess and unfinished rooms. We have no spare money. I resent my DH and he resents me. No family nearby to help us with childcare or the house. Although I love living in the area we’ve picked I feel like the dream life we were trying to build is slipping away and I don’t know what to do.

It doesnt sound about your marriage at all, it sounds like external pressures are making it into that. Which is good because hopefully it means theres no fundamental issue there.
Does all the work need to be done immediately? It sounds as if you are doing more than one room a time whilst working & with 2 small kids it’s a recipe for disaster.
If the rooms are safe take it slower. This would be stressful without children but adding them & work means theres no time to do it and also have you time, and so it drags on.
Formulate a plan, take baby steps, speak to your H.

Been there and house renovation is like childbirth...you do forget about the bad times afterwards!

Having one space to relax in is important as well as not sweating the small stuff.Your house will not be ordered whilst in the middle of work.
You are also just coming out of the baby years so energy for both of you must be low.
No real practical solutions as it is a case of getting through it, trying to see positives where possible but also be kind to each other.Acknowledge the sacrifices you are both making and try to give each other space for down time.

Do you have any “handy” relatives that could come and stay for a week and blitz the worst rooms with your DH?

If you explain how stressful it is I’m sure your Dad (if he’s any good at DIY) would give up a week’s holiday to help you both out?

I think you need to sit down and acknowledge how difficult this is for you. Then decide what needs to be done when but also factor in some fun, rest and couple time. Prioritise what needs renovating now and what can wait a few years when you can work more hours and the kids are easier and both at school.

Been through almost the same with two non-sleeping, screaming babies with reflux and allergies and it almost broke us. The toll was huge. We moved house but thankfully didn't need to do much as renovations on top would have been unbearable.

You've been through such a tough time and now have the constant stress of renovations. It's no wonder your relationship is struggling!!

I'd say try to keep talking, it's vital to connect and find each other through the chaos. You might not be able to stop the chaos but you do need to hold hands emotionally through it.

Thank you everyone. I think comms has totally broken down, energy levels are rock bottom too. Money is a pressure and there’s no joy in our life! He’s a clammer so trying to get him to talk is hard but I’ll try.

His brother has been to help this weekend whilst I was away but I think it’s made things worse as the chaos has increased and my expectation of what would be finished hasn’t met reality and now DH and I are barely talking. He’s threatened to leave but I think that’s the stress talking.

I agree with a pp who suggested just focusing on 1-2 rooms and getting those finished. A relaxing space for you to escape the rest of the chaos and maybe something that will generally make your life easier when completed like the kitchen/bathroom? Also, maybe your DH could take one day/weekend a month off and one/two nights a week off the decorating to just have some family time together? It sounds really tough for you both!

We always intended to do room by room but because the electrics & heating needed replacing we had to move the walls where we need them so we ended up doing everything at once! I think what I find hard is that’s the chaos spills into the rooms that are finished or the rooms that are ‘finished’ aren’t really (doors missing of cupboards, blinds to be put up, odd thing still needs painting etc). My DH is also really messy (he’ll disagree) and leaves tools/DIY crap everywhere like over my kitchen worktops which is a constant reminder and winds me up. He’s a stubborn beep so keeps doing it despite me asking him not too.

Sorry, feel like I’m off loading but I think when the air is a bit clearer then we need to sit down and make a plan...

Is there anything you could do to give him a break / swap roles so he gets quality time with the kids and maybe you get some painting done while he's out?

I'd also advise taking a step back and re-writing the list of what needs to be done with priority categories and realistic timescales eg, to be done on April, by end of May etc. But ensure you schedule some family down time in that too. it might take the heat off.