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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need of some support...

2 replies

Lilmisspink · 03/04/2018 00:27

Hi, I’m really in need of some support atm.
I’m currently going through a very difficult break up with my now ex-fiancé. I’m really struggling atm to see a life without him even though he didn’t treat me well.

I’m only in my early 20’s but I’ve had two consecutive, long term, abusive relationships and I’ve really been treated awfully. I know I’m better off out if it but I just can’t see how I will ever be able to trust a man again. For some reason I’m finding it very hard that my ex won’t accept any blame for our break up. He puts everything on me and has told his family (who I was close to) about how awfully I treated him even though it is his unacceptable behaviour that is the reason we’ve split. I think I would find it easier if he admitted some blame.
I just feel like I’ve put so much of myself into that relationship and he’s left a huge hole, even though he wasn’t treating me well. I feel like I’m grieving for someone that is still alive. Like I’m grieving for the person I wanted him to be and thought he was for a long time.

I suppose I just needed some encouragement that things will get better. Any support would be great.

OP posts:
NeverLovedElvis · 03/04/2018 00:36

FlowersThat must feel really unfair, but if he wasn't kind and considerate toward you while you were together he's hardly going to start now that you've split up.

Why are you still talking to him about who is to blame? It's unlikely to bring you any sense of relief.
If you have kids with him, keep all conversations limited to discussing visits, and if you don't have kids then why talk to him at all?

It WILL get easier but you'll need to stop picking the scab.

Freedom programme would probably be a good idea as it could help you avoid another long term abusive relationship by helping you to spot the warning signs earlier next time.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 03/04/2018 00:41

Hello. I know exactly how you feel, it is so hard to let go of someone you still love, but you know it's for the best in the long run, so you just have to keep plodding on, one foot in front of the other, until you get out the other side of this.

Are you still in contact with him? If so, stop that now. No texts, no talking to him or meeting up. It's an addiction and needs to be stopped cold turkey.

Remove any reminders of him from your house, pictures, gifts etc. It is like grief, and one day you will be able to look back fondly at the good times, but for now you need to clear him out of your space and reclaim it.

Take up some hobbies and find some new TV shows to watch that don't remind you of him. Tell anyone you can about how poorly he treated you. This will make it harder for you to go back to him if he comes crawling back. Don't worry about what he's telling other people. Its not true and if they believe him they don't matter.

You won't get the apology you want from him, so try to give it to yourself. Imagine him in your head saying what you need to hear him say. Forgive yourself for staying with him and allowing him to treat you badly. Maybe look into doing the freedom programme or getting some counselling to help you to make better choices next time around. And one day you will be ready to try again, even though it feels impossible at the moment. But for the time being you need to love yourself fiercely and fully so that you don't NEED him to make you feel loved.

One thing that has helped me is to imagine that in 5 years time we have both changed and grown into more mature and sorted versions of ourselves, lots of the obstacles that have caused us problems are no longer an issue and so we can start a new relationship from scratch with all the good parts and none of the bad. Would that help at all? Just to try and trick your mind into thinking this doesn't have to be the end. Of course a few months down the line when you are out of the habits that keep you together you won't want to go back to all that, but in the short term I found it a useful way to stop the panic that I would never see him again.

Mainly you just need to be gentle with yourself, a broken heart is hard enough to get over, but when you've been emotionally abused it is doubly so because your self esteem is in tatters. Sending you love Flowers

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