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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about relationship now

14 replies

Happybunny1994 · 02/04/2018 23:44

Met my partner 4 years ago lived together for 2 about to get keys to our house we’ve just brought soon. Today I’ve been ill with the flu he’s been working from home. He came into our room started chatting to me while playing with my hed band that was on the window sill. he through it to me and asked where it lived as it was taking up room and he couldn’t close the curtain it’s quite a big band. I through it back and said anywhere as I was half asleep shivering. he placed it on the floor and refused to pick it up ended up with me telling him to pick it up and not leave. He then left and that was that untill he came in again later to check on me and did the same again with some deodorant that wasn’t in the way just on top of my shoe rack. He through it at the bed along with other stuff he had started to tidy up I said to stop and tomorrow I would tidy up when I was better. He wouldn’t stop or put back that was on the bed I was trying to sleep so I through the scarf and deodorant back towards where he was while telling him to bugger back to work and leave me alone. The deodorant hit him on the leg by accident not hard at all considering I’m so weak at the moment. He got really angry and through the roll on deodorant at the wall it cracked explodeded everywhere and stained the wall. I was scAred seeing him so angry. I apologised for Hitting him didn’t get one back either. He said he didn’t mean to scare me but he would rather hit the wall and release any tension than ever take it out on me he said he would never do anything to me at all. I feel like we act like such children. It’s giving me second thoughts to owning a house with him I don’t no what to do this has never happened before.

OP posts:
Unforgiven2018 · 03/04/2018 00:26

I would be extremely concerned about this type of behaviour. There must surely have been signs before this incident though. You say "I feel like we act like children" which suggests this type of thing is normal for you. It was almost as though he was trying to pick a fight with you. Why do you think this has happened now? Is he getting cold feet about the house maybe? His behaviour was totally unacceptable but the most worrying thing is his admission that he would rather hit the wall than you. In my opinion this is the start of an abusive relationship and I know, having just left one after 20 + years

Happybunny1994 · 03/04/2018 11:05

I mean we acted like children during this episode. We had been arguing about my mess to be fair I’ve always been a messy person I won’t lie I used to hoard shit. Since my partner moving in I changed cleared out stuff made room and all was well. But over the last 3 months I’ve been sorting out clothes and boxes of stuff I had stored it’s all got a bit out of hand. I haven’t wanted to chuck so much out and the mess never got sorted think a few piles of cloths a bits of hobbies everywhere. But between haviling last minute minor surgery the flu and working I’ve struggled. He’s been trying to work from home this weekend doing some personal work and had no where really to go to concentrate. I’ve now started to tackle it today feeling much better. He only acted like this after my nans funeral we all had a long chat with my family and guest kept asking about his family and dad. When we where alone he kept throwing his tedy bear crying saying he missed his dad he died when He was 15. I’m so confused my dad abused my mum so I’m very wary about this stuff. He’s a very non dominant man I made all the first moves always so gentle and loving. I told him last night how I felt with this gave him one more strike and he’s out. Everyone deserves a second chance or has a bad day. I’m on red a leart one move and he’s out. I’m not the easiest to live with but his behaviour was inexcusable.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 03/04/2018 11:29

You both sound like children.

Happybunny1994 · 03/04/2018 11:32

I no we do I said I agree we sound like children we are both early 20s

OP posts:
TheStoic · 03/04/2018 11:32

How old are you both?

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 11:41

Buying a house a stressful, moving house is stressful, being ill is stressful. I think you need to sit down and talk about it. I've come close to killing my husband when we have moved house, I've taken an oath I'm never moving anywhere with him again. He is a hoarder and it is frustrating looking at all the rubbish that needs sorting.

Hope you are feeling better.

Happybunny1994 · 03/04/2018 11:56

Thank you I think it all is stress to as I’m stressed. he wanted to buy a house but this was the second one we had seen. from what was meant to take atleast six months happened in the first month. He’s the higher earner I’ve just left my job so I can job hunt but can go back anytime. I’m guess he’s worried he’s going to be funding this house too.

OP posts:
Anditstartsagain · 03/04/2018 12:32

Honestly if he can't live with mess and hoarding and you can't be tidy you will never stop fighting about it.

I couldn't life with mess it would drive me nuts and thinking all the money of a new house for someone to make it a mess would anger me.

Not that he's in the right but I can see why he's frustrated.

Gemini69 · 03/04/2018 12:51

OP I hope you get well soon and see things through clearer eyes....

He has just shown you Who He Is.. and how he responds to your being unavailable to 'tidy' up the house.... he gets violent Hmm

I wouldn't share a taxi with this man never mind a life... Flowers

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 12:51

Happybunny, so it happened very fast, alot to get your head round. Would you like to be tidier? I think some people don't care but some people do want to be tidy but find it hard. If it is the second then perhaps with a new home and a new beginning it will work out best for both of you.

Remember it should be exciting as well as stressful, it is wonderful moving into your first house.

Happybunny1994 · 03/04/2018 13:27

Yes I made the change to want to be tidy and did I just relapased this weekend.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 03/04/2018 13:29

your allowed to be unwell OP Flowers

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 13:31

Happybunny hopefully all will be well. I get fed up as my hoarder husband now says, after 35 years, that he wishes I had made him be tidier/throw things out as he is overwhelmed by it all. Being tolerant hasn't paid off for me. I've told him if he dies first it's all going in a skip.

Happybunny1994 · 03/04/2018 19:29

Yes all seems well today he’s come home and is offering to cook dinner and hasn’t left me alone keeps cuddling me.

OP posts:
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