ExH and problems

[slippersaremyfriend]

Need some thoughts/opinions/advice on where to go with some problems I have. Will try not to be too long or ramble!
Backstory - exh and I split up when I was 8 weeks pregnant due to many many issues mainly him being a compulsive liar and multiple money and attitude issues (his)

DS is 14 months now, exh has seen him every Saturday for anything between 1-3 hours depending on how long he wants to stay for that day barring occasional sickness and holidays.
Exh got a new girlfriend last summer, and it was all very up in the air about the way he told me etc.

It is worth noting that when we had a talk about the new gf the first thing he said to me was "oh don't worry she's not going to replace you as DS's mum"

Then around Christmas time, she messaged me loads of weird messages. It started off asking about DS (who as far as I know she had & has nothing to do with) then about me and exh and how she 'hoped I was happy' and that she 'hoped we would be very happy together' etc. I asked her to tell me what was going on and she wouldn't tell me and spoke to him about it and he denied all knowledge. After the denial period, he claims they were never actually together she was a random obsessed girl who wouldn't leave him alone etc

Exh has also told me he wants to take DS on holiday for a wedding this year, but there are just so many worries!! I've yet to tell him DS isn't going, but I'm slightly worried that the gf is going and it's all gonna kick off. I'm aware of the fact that his love life and relationships are nothing to do with me but I also can't get over the very first comment he made to me after I found out about her. There's so many more little bits to this too but I won't bore you with all the gory details.

Any thoughts/opinions advice???

Anyone?

I think going from 2 hours a week contact to a holiday (how long?) maybe too long for your son.I think he needs to build up to longer stays and then overnight before a holiday.

I would forget the gf, she is not relevant as she is not the parent.

Does your ex have PR?

Has he ever had DS overnight? If not, what plans do you have to make that happen (assuming there are no welfare concerns)?

His relationship with his son is never going to develop if he’s only ever seeing him for a variable 1-3 hours.

The wedding abroad sounds like a reach on his part given his lack of overnights so far. Different if he was regularly taking care of your DS, but not with so little current contact. I think you’ll have to be rational about it. Point out that DS is unlikely to settle well for him overnight and won’t really remember the wedding anyway at that age.

But IMO the more important thing here is to plan for him having more time gradually with his son, leading up to an overnight a week.

Ex is on the birth certificate etc. I've often bought up him having him more if e wants and there's always an excuse why he can't or won't
As it is exh works 6 days a week cause he claims he can't afford to be paying me maintenance although he does, and I know how much he earns and roughly what his outgoings are.

When he first bought up the holiday (which is 7 days including a 5 hour flight) he lied about it, tellin. Me he'd take him for 3 days to be there for the wedding and bring him back knowing full well they'd already booked DS for the full week so I'm curious what his plan was - lie again and say flight was cancelled?

He has had DS whilst I've gone out (4times) and each time I have texts all night asking when I'm returning then he moans about how tired he is and shoots straight out the door with his coat and shoes already on when I get home. I've bought up with him briefly about issues he might come across taking DS away, such as unsettled and coping on the flight ( as pp mentioned one of these) and various others and his reaction is always a shrug and a "I'll just deal with it/get on with it/cope" there's just no talking to him

A weeks holiday isn't the time for your ds to cope with df (and without you) not the other way around.
He sounds like an arse.

Am I the only suspicious evil minded old bag who thinks this “wedding abroad” might be one between ex H and the GF?!

@Aprilmightmemynewname thank you! That's exactly how I see it. It's got to be what's best for DS and as ex hasn't even had him more than 5/6 hours yet ever I don't think it would be practical and it's only a few weeks away so no time to build up.

Apologies for any drip feeding, but there have been major issues with ex and DS where he just can't be bothered, doesn't really interact with him at all and using language that isn't appropriate towards him. Last week I picked him up after work from ex and he told me he had to change DSs trousers cause he (his words) "shit himself and it went everywhere" to me that's not on, it's not DSs fault, that's what babies do!!
He's also lied to get out of seeing DS, because he went away on holiday with his new gf. The holiday he went on itself doesn't bother me, nor who e went with, but he told me he got back a whole day after he actually did to not see DS that weekend. When confronted about why he did that h just shrugged and went "dunno"

@Babdoc no it's ex's Mum and new partner, so ex MiL wedding

Make sure you have ds's passport safely away.

@Aprilmightmemynewname our passports are hidden at my mums house 👍

Anyone have any ideas on the upcoming (wedding) holiday? In my eyes DS isn't going but to ex and family they're determined he's going (they've mentioned this) and I know it's going to cause a massive thing. Any tips on how to deal with it sensibly?

For peace of mind I would apply for residency of ds - any time ex doesn't bring him back on time for example you have the last word on where he should be.
This also gives you clout to flag down airports. (should he apply fraudulently for another passport).

@Aprilmightmemynewname residency of DS? He lives with me full time anyway is that a thing? Lol sorry but clueless!! I'm really not sure if ex would try to apply for another passport. Having a passport is one thing but just casually saying to me 'oh can I have DS' on day he's due to go is pretty obvious. I'd like to think I'm not that stoopid 😂😂😂

Unless you have residence on paper legally your ex has as much right as you to keep ds in his care should he turn into supertwat-just be careful. Spurred on by his family he may be unpredictable with ds missing the holiday.

@Aprilmightmemynewname so proof of me and DS living together and ex not isn't enough I'm guessing? I totally see your point and ex has been known to turn into super twat of the year for other things.

What would I need to do?? I have written documents (privately made) between me and ex that detail things like payments he makes to me incl CM??

See a solicitor, it's quite straight forward given you can show a court where ds lives etc. Just in the eyes of the police you need the piece of paper. Def worth it for piece of mind for the future.

@Aprilmightmemynewname
Ok thank you so much. So far we have managed to avoid (surprisingly) any legal involvements eg courts solicitors etc but will prob have to do that in the very near future anyway.

I have been abroad with DS a couple of times, ex has shown no concern for this I just give all relevant info flight details etc and he knows where we go and it's all been fine I take marriage certificate as DS and I have different surnames on passports and we have been stopped and questioned 2/3 times we've been!

If it was me, I would not let my son go. 7 nights when he's not had him before wouldn't be acceptable to me.

I would state all the reasons youve mentioned and just say no.

I would definitely not let him go! If he only sees your ds for 1-3 hours once a week how on earth will he cope for a week? If worse comes to worse I’d tell him the day before he goes that ds has an ear infection and dr has advised not to fly. A bit naughty I know but if he can’t cope with him for a couple of hours, and he’ll want to be out with the gf ...

I would see solicitor asap, get residence order in place, then tell Ex that DS isn't going on this holiday as he's too young to be away for that length of time when he's never even had an overnight with his father before.

If he kicks off, point out the residence order and say you are NOT giving your permission for DS to be taken out of the country, and it is not up for discussion. And that you are NOT handing over his passport, and any attempts by Ex to take DS without your permission will end up in the hands of the police.

You really, really need that residence order.

@RatherBeRiding would the police be interested/do anything without the residency order?? I don't think there is genuinely a way w would get DS without me being there/noticing (obviously) lol but if something where to happen....??

I'm no expert and have never been in your position, but I believe that it is the residency order that means the police will act if the NR parent breaches the term of the order. Without it, and with both parents having equal parental responsibility, I honestly don't see that the police would be very interested.

You need some professional/legal advice as soon as possible I'm afraid.

No, police won’t necessarily act even with a Residence Order. It doesn’t negate parental responsibility. Unless you are able to say the children are in danger, the police just refer you back to the courts.

Another contact day with no mention of holiday.... last mention was over 3 months ago - I know no details of where he wants to take him on what dates tines etc no info at all! I thought if you were under the impression you were taking a child somewhere (even if that child is biologically yours) that you would consult the RP about the details! They go in about a month

I think you should see a solicitor. You need to make sure that he doesn’t just try and take him. Are you sure he hasn’t applied for a passport for him? He could have done that behind your back? You need to ask him what’s going on and that you aren’t giving permission for him to go. Write it in a message to him so you have proof. He can’t take him for 7 days without your permission and he hasn’t had him overnight so he’s got no idea how to look after him!!!