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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do abusive men ever change?

27 replies

WhyAmIHavingDoubts · 02/04/2018 20:27

I'm scared and worried at the same time putting on a brave face.

I'm worried to post details so can anyone tell me if someone who's been physically abusive can ever change?

I'm having serious doubts.

OP posts:
jedenfalls · 02/04/2018 20:37

Nope.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 20:40

Probably not, it's in their nature to be abusive.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 20:40

Are you ok ?

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 20:42

OP,
Your doubt is your instinct, listen to it.

RandomMess · 02/04/2018 20:43

Nope, run for the hills!

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 02/04/2018 20:45

I wouldn't have thought so. Not without deep soul searching from them, maybe counselling and behavioural therapy. It seems rather to be an ingrained trait and habit that would take a lot to alter. And only then if they were really committed to that altering.

PsychedelicSheep · 02/04/2018 20:47

I think it does happen but not without a LOT of hard work in therapy. Starting with standing up and taking responsibility and not blaming others or shirking things. Which is where most of them fall down.

opionated · 02/04/2018 20:48

no well no doubt someone will come and say their other half did as people can change but its not worth the risk. and if you are having doubts that says it all.

Laska5772 · 02/04/2018 20:51

Nope ..and they will always say that its always you not them...

ExH once told me that all the women he met after me , were the ones who had the problems , and some were even 'worse ' than me!.. But there was always only one common denominator in those relationships..

KickAssAngel · 02/04/2018 20:53

No.

I did a course on intimate partner abuse as part of an MA. I studied stats, read documents & even visited an intervention program.

NO. They almost NEVER change. Re-offense figures are massively high, even with court ordered intervention programs, there is almost NO change.

Read the Lundy Bancroft book, Why Does He Do That.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/04/2018 20:54

Of course not.

And even of he did change, that doesn't change what he did, which is something unforgiveable.

Rubyslippers7780 · 02/04/2018 20:56

No.
Even after years of therapy i don't believe so. Have studied this for work.
Anyone abusive can mask, and for long periods of time.
My tutor phrased it as ' a dog who bites, is always a dog who bites - just less so when well fed, but it will still bite'.

Hausfullofgrls · 02/04/2018 21:00

Never

bertielab · 02/04/2018 21:02

No. Trust is gone. Respect for them is gone.

Next time you could be 6 foot under.

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2018 21:04

If someone is physically abusing you then you need to leave. ASAP.

picklemepopcorn · 02/04/2018 21:07

No. Either they do not, cannot understand that what they do is wrong- so carry on- or they know but do it anyway.

Sorry.

Terramirabilis · 02/04/2018 21:07

Going against the grain: yes and no. My DH has significant professional expertise in this. The idea that no abusive men can change is simply not true.

HOWEVER,

What he told me is that men who willingly and actively engage in therapy (which not all will) can certainly learn to stop physical abuse.

What's the problem though is that they tend to transfer the abuse to other kinds of abuse such as financial/emotional/social e.g. isolating from friends. Truly no longer being abusive in any way is much harder.

But personally I wouldn't be sticking around to find out if an abusive partner was part of the group that can change.

Original poster
WhyAmIHavingDoubts · 02/04/2018 22:06

We split up months ago. He wants to rekindle but I'm finding the attention and statements declaring his love a bit much

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 02/04/2018 22:08

Block him.

Ryder63 · 02/04/2018 22:10

Please, please stay split up and yes, block.

TutTutButt · 03/04/2018 02:29

been there done that twice and the answer is NO

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 03/04/2018 03:19

My ex was unable to change his behaviour with me after we split up then tried again.

He then got in trouble and was arrested after attacking one of his 'female friends'. After nearly going to prison he seemed to wise up and got the help he needed.

After counselling and drink and drugs help he has met someone else and he seems to have changed with her. He can still be a real dick with me at times though.

Everyone says I brought out the worst in him and we weren't good together. His new partner seems very much like me though - just younger - so I'm not too sure what the difference is and whether the change will stick.

I would never have him back though.

Mellifera · 03/04/2018 04:13

Block him OP, don’t believe anything he says. Please.

Your instincts are spot on, listen to them.

womanformallyknownaswoman · 03/04/2018 04:30

No - all the experts who work with male batterers say the same - from Ireland to US to UK - NO!!

These guys are pathologically incapable of change - despite anything they say - if you in a relationship with one, get out safely asap - life is better without them. Anything they say is designed to keep you on place under their control - good cop/bad cop - it's all about controlling your and your choices.

Good luck

tessieandoz · 03/04/2018 04:48

No