Why am I not getting over this? Am I mental?

[Paradiso1]

A year ago I met a guy (by chance) and he pursued me fairly hard. We began dating. After a few dates (and no sex) I explained to him that I’m not looking for a Friends With Benefits and I only have sex within an exclusive relationship. He agreed to this. After 2 months of dating we had sex. 6 months later he told me: “You came along at a time when I was very vulnerable because I was feeling horny and you were just there. What do you expect me to do if I’m horny? Go to prostitutes? You were just there.”
He also added that he only likes me as a friend. When I got really upset and mentioned that a) I’d told him from the start that I don’t do casual sex and b) he’d spent months claiming he was my boyfriend and that we were exclusive, he just laughed and said “I’m a naughty boy! You’re a grown woman with her own apartment, you should have known the score.”
I’m actually really struggling to recover. My self-confidence is just shattered.

What a horrible individual he is. To lie to you like that. I'm not surprised your confidence has taken a hit: you trusted him and its a huge betrayal of that trust.

Someone will be along with more and better advice than me but just wanted to say that I understand and hope you feel better soon. Xx

Being tricked/conned into having what you considered a serious, sexual relationship is not something that most people would just shrug off. You will get over it, but don't let anyone give you a timescale by which it should happen. You need to work through this at your own speed. If I were you, I'd be having a long chat with my best friend in order to share things and reduce the pain. Good friends will not judge you.

I would also suggest that you should be careful the scars this incident leaves do not run so deep that you find yourself unable to trust other men you will meet in future. There are plenty of decent men out there who will not con you into bed.

Good luck.

@NewStartNow

Thanks for your reply. This all came to a head one evening after he showed up 3 hours later than he said he'd be, too wasted out of his mind on weed to go out to dinner. He sat there with his winter coat on giggling to himself like a kid. Then he suddenly grabbed me in a sort of chokehold, wrestled me to the floor (in my living room) and started trying to force sex. He was snarling (teeth actually bared) and saying stuff like "I love having dirty sex with you on the floor like this." I was trying to fight him off. He literally broke my necklace and my earring, that is how aggressive/violent he was being. It was so horrible that I went into a kind of shocked trance. I don't think he actually fully had sex with me. After a few minutes he got up, I think he was still even wearing his winter coat. And then he tried to leave my flat. I started screaming at him. It is then that he said: "I think you are reading more into this [relationship] than is really there. I just like you as my friend, my mate."

He refused to properly discuss anything. He did say that he thought it perfectly fine to just arrive at my flat, force me onto the floor, pretty much sexually assault me and then walk out.

It was shortly after that that he revealed that he's never given a shit about me and I was "just there."

He had been so lovely prior to that.

A week after the event I described above, he had apologised for his conduct, made a big show of completely giving up smoking weed, and showed up with gifts and was very loving. He said he hadn't meant all the things he'd said and that he wanted a relationship with me "just not marriage at this time".

9 days later, he sexually assaulted me again.

Frankly I'd be reporting him for the assaults and staying away from
Him. Totally block him.
You need to realise you're in love with the man that perused you for six months and not the sexual deviant on weed.

What would you advise a friend if she was you, don't you deserve more than this ??

Perhaps you should talk to Rape Crisis or an equivalent organisation. You might consider reporting him.

Er no, I don't think you're "mental" for not just getting over that. He spends the best part of a year appearing to be a lovely man, then all of a sudden he flips into a violent, immature, druggie bastard. And you're supposed to be ok with this because you have your own apartment...??? Fascinating logic. The inside of his head must be a very strange place.

@randommmmmmmmmmm and @category12

I did report him to the police for the 2nd assault. I didn't want to "press charges" (i.e. for them to arrest and question him), but the case is still open.

I am now completely No Contact with him. I thought I would be able to bounce back to my old self. It's been two months now that I'm No Contact. I still feel really traumatised. I've even entered therapy. So far it's kind of making me feel even more depressed, but it's still early days and only had 3 sessions.

I was so afraid of him at the end that I reached out to his ex fiancee --- this woman he absolutely obsesses over and idolizes. I simply asked her if she knew him, nothing more. I sensed something wasn't right about his version of events re his past. The ex fiancee told me to "run." She said: "He's a narcissist. He's an evil man."

@Anniegetyourgun

You got that right. The inside of his head must be a very messed up place indeed :(

Omg ! What a disgusting little bastard!! Thank god you binned him off!

Maybe your brain won't let go because it wants you to notice all the previous red flags you didn't notice before the rape. Self-protection for the future.

Were there other red flag behaviours first?

For example, it strikes me as odd that he told you he'd be, too wasted out of his mind on weed to go out to dinner and you still let him in the door at all instead of dumping him immediately.

Therapy often does make things harder to begin with. Try to stick with it.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

I've been focusing on the red flags I chose to gloss over before. It's a damn shame that I didn't act on them at the time. It was like he gradually broke me down over time. I'd call him out on each red flag as it came up, but he'd lie his way out of it or make me doubt actual reality!

Like the drug thing. When I first learned that he smoked weed very regularly, my heart sunk. I don't really have a moral issue with it; I just personally find it a bit childish and very boring. But over time he made it seem as if it's perfectly normal to smoke weed regularly -- he's even claiming his super conservative family are cool with it, everyone is cool with it aside from me. And I'm the uptight "weird" one for having no interest in weed....

It's almost like he was 'grooming' me

Have you spoken to your GP? Perhaps they can prescribe something to help.

I'm.so sorry you've been through this. No one would expect you to get over this quickly, if at all.

Sorry just read your updates :( thank goodness you arnt with him xx

@TalkFastThinkSlow

No, I haven't discussed it with my GP at all.

I was hoping I'd be able to recovery with the help of therapy. But it's been 2 months now and I feel pretty awful still

@SparklyMagpie

Thanks. Nobody in my offline life knows about the sexual assaults besides the police and the therapist. I just haven't been able to bring myself to admit it to my close friends. And if I tell my brother he will literally smash this guy's face in.

It's not been long at all and only 3 sessions. Give yourself time.

Grooming is a good word for it. Do you know how you will get yourself away from someone grooming you in future?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

I'll be much more wary of any red flags in future but I don't have a plan to get away exactly. I can't even see myself having enough trust to ever date again. But I guess I may eventually.

Oh no, I'm so sorry. That is so much worse than your original post and it is understandable you're not feeling better. He raped you.
I too was in a relationship with a narcissist (though no sexual assault) and am having counselling. In my experience you will feel worse before you feel better and may find some sessions quite challenging but as you gradually emerge out the other side it's worth it.

@NewStartNow

Wow. How long were you with the narcissist? Are you in counselling because of went you want through in that relationship?

What a terrible ‘man’. I think it is very normal that you have not yet got over this and three sessions of counselling is almost still in the ‘getting to know you’ stage.

Be kind to yourself and try to preserve with your therapy. I wouldn’t go too hard on yourself about ‘missing’ red flags - one woman’s red flag is another woman’s good grace. You were very unlucky and I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.

I’m so sorry you have been through all this. He sounds absolutely unhinged.
Please remember this is no reflection on you at all. He is a manipulative and aggressive rapist.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. It takes time to recover from such shocking behaviour

well done for getting out. Could you do the Freedlm Project to help you identify red flags in the future?

@PamDooveOrangeJoof

The police had connected me with a domestic abuse organisation and my caseworker there did say she's signed me up for the Freedom Programme. I guess I'll hear from them directly?

And thank you for your kind wishes.

Sorry for this rather rambling thread but it's making me feel lots better and less alone to just tell the truth about what happened