How to end this sodding relationship

[fruitcider]

My STBEXDP is really doing my head in.

I keep telling him I don't want to be with him anymore. He dismisses me, saying I'm in a mood. Every time I challenge his rude behaviour in public he attempts to humiliate me, calling me mental and telling me I need my tablets (haven't been on antidepressants for 7 years, there's nothing wrong with my mental state).

He is annoying me in every single way with his gaslighting and general rudeness, and I want out.

We have a 5 year old child, we live in a joint council tenancy. We have a joint account.

I'm a nurse, I work shifts.

I guess the first step is to open a new bank account and get my wages paid in there? May need some unpaid leave from work?

How have other people in this situation managed it? I don't want to leave my home but I can't see him going so may have to.

You might have to leave, I'm sorry

Contact Women'said and ask for advice. What he's doing is verbal and emotional abuse.

I know it's emotionally abusive that's why I want to split from him.

I've been homeless 3 times in my life and can't bear going into temporary accommodation again. I will not be able to gain another secure tenancy should I leave the house.

Unfortunately he has as much right to stay in the tenancy as you do, unless you actually get him charged with abuse, and this is incredibly difficult with non-physical abuse.

Definitely open a new account and move your money into that, then have your name taken off the other account if you can’t close it. Speak to the council about ending the joint tenancy and rehousing you and your child. Don’t engage with him and don’t act like a partner by doing laundry etc. And don’t show he’s upset you when his makes comments like that - do the whole grey rock thing.

Can you make an appointment with housing officer and see what they suggest?

I lft my family home and moved into a little rental place.

I had a new bank account set up, wages organised to be paid into there and found somewhere to live. Then I told him I was leaving and that weekend, I packed the car, got the kids and left. He now has the kids 2 days every week and every other weekend.

It hasn't been easy. Start by photocopying everything you can, or taking the originals (kids passports etc). If you have to leave, or its easier for you too, you don't need much. You will manage. I left because I knew he would never leave, the house is now on the market 14 months later. Good luck.

And if you need to because of shift work, find a child minder who can accommodate your shifts if needed. You can get childcare vouchers to help you.

Investigate if you can get an occupation order?

I get childcare vouchers through my work already so can increase the value of those. My full time salary alone is £28k so I'm uncertain I will get tax credits.

Payroll run is on 5th so when I go work tomorrow I'll ask them to delay paying my salary until I've opened a new account (Thursday).

Rent is £750 a month for a 2 bed private flat here

May be too late to delay payroll I'm afraid. Immediately withdraw it/transfer to new account?

If it's too late this month I can sit tight until next month. I'm willing to play the long game to get the right outcome. I'll give payroll a ring tomorrow anyway and see what they can do.

Is there any benefit of me gaining evidence of emotional abuse to try and gain an exclusion order for the property?

I would think so, post in legal and ask??

Speak to Shelter.
Since your DH is abusive you may be able to get help with either putting the tenancy into your name or getting help with finding new accommodation.

Talk to Women's Aid who will be able to give you appropriate advice. As it sounds like his abuse is verbal and psychological, it's probably safe for you to take your time and get everything properly sorted - as PP have said, just don't react or rise to his bullshit (it might be helpful to be thinking, silently, Wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker, I'll be clear of you soon whenever he starts.) Once you've got all the information in place as to whether you can evict him or whether it would work better to move out with DC and let him get evicted on his own if he can't afford the rent, tell him what's going to happen. Don't worry about anything he says - you do not need his permission or co-operation to get rid of him and you cannot be forced to stay with him.

Absolutely make an appointment to see a housing officer.

If you feel emotional when you are telling them how it is, that is fine.

Yes to opening a new bank account but don't forget to take your name off the old one when you leave.

And if he says 'you need your tablets' you must say, 'but I don't take tablets, what on earth are you talking about, you sound deluded.' or similar.

Good luck..you know that you need to leave, and that is a great start.

What is the rent for a single bed private flat? Your daughter is still young, would it be possible for you to have a sofa bed with a comfortable mattress topper in the lounge and she could have the bedroom? It would save you money for a while until you need two bedrooms in a few years.

He tried to hit me once about a year ago... but I'm trained in restraint/personal protection so he came off worse and as a result has not tried it again!

I feel safe biding my time.

First step rdv with the CAB
Get child passport & birth cert & hide out of the house. (give to parent or friend)along with all important docs or copies) savings, life insurance, pension & remove from house, not just in a sock drawer.
Close any joint accounts, change all passwords on computer, phone, Whatsapp fb etc. defriend him, cancel find my phone, make sure there is no cloud in common. Clear your computer history, change usernames if he knows your it. If you are playing the longer game there needs to be privacy.
Do not shop/cook/clean for him, he will soon start to understand

Been cold towards him today. He's now trying to kiss me etc. 🙁 it's like he wants reassurance that I love him. Unfortunately I don't.

You could also Try talking to the national domestic violence helpline. They are really good in advising on options including how to get an occupation order. Also consider talking to your GP. If at any stage you need evidence of DV you will need to have spoken to people about it at some point. My gp has been great with conversations around anxiety and stress relating to EA. I’m assuming your not married and the house is rented? If so this might at least make things easier.

As previous posters have said it would be good to talk to the council and CAB.

Good luck! You will be okay and you will get through this.

Yes, he will be trying to back track. He knows he has pushed you too far.
This is typical script for this type of person.
promises, apologies, flowers etc. but it will go the full circle .
It is a temporary tactic to get you back in your place.
Kiss my hand.... kiss your arse

See if you have a local charity that deals with domestic abuse - they'll know the housing situation as it is with your council. I got referred to my local charity, and they were wonderful, they made me appointments with housing officers, sat in thosemeetings with me, pointed me to all of the various benefits I would be entitled to, offered help with forms, etc.

They gave me a huge amount of both practical & emotional support, how I needed to set things up to start my life on my own, as well as impartial and off the record advice (ie, don't do it by that date, leave it two weeks, the sort of thing that could be seen as playing the system, but is actually what you need to do to get yourself somewhere safe). Mostly though, they made me see just how abusive my ex was, and how important it was that I realised I could manage without him. And because they were local, they'd meet me for coffee and give me tissues, or ring/text me every day. They were always there, and never more than ten minutes away.

And re: council tenancy. I was told there was no way I'd be able to get a council house for me & DC (we were renting privately at the time, and thanks to exP on the verge of being evicted, no private landlord would take me on because I'd be on housing benefit on my own). We've been here in our council property for over two years now. I'm 18 months into my secure tenancy. I cried when I got the letter to tell me this is mine.

You can do it. You just have to get your head down and be prepared to fight. I still have my shoebox of all of the paperwork from then. It kicks my arse when I feel a bit shit. Because I did do it, and so can you.

Just be calmly indifferent towards this man and engage as little as possible. You don't have to accept him pawing you about if you don't want to, obviously - if he starts nagging or complaining, walk away; if he's the sulky type, ignore. Remember that if he does become aggressive you can call the police and have him temporarily removed, at least. And, if there is anything on record about him physically attacking you, then that will help you WRT changing the housing arrangements and getting rid of him.

Try not to alert him to any big changes coming until you’ve got some proper information and advice.

Sounds very hard, good luck