Emotional Affair? Or more?

[Jimuk]

I’m confused about emotional affairs. Not sure exactly what they are. But here it goes, A guy I know that I used to occasionally go for a drink with is around a little to often when I’m not there.
I was working away a lot, as in away at sea for months at a time until recently. This guy started being around at my house helping a little to often. My wife would ask him technical questions regarding our computer, he would pump the tires if the car up, lots of little jobs like this. He would pop into my house for a chat while I was away.
I didn’t think to much about it but when I left my job at sea he still dropped in while I was out. My wife and I have a business together and he goes in the kitchen and orders from my wife rather then out front where I’m where everyone else orders.
He stops by our house and if I come home while he is there he seems to just be leaving as I arrive.
This guy is in a relationship in a long term relationship.
My marriage is on vey rocky ground but that is another story, I think she is having an affair.
Am I overreacting? I had a talk to him about it and asked him to back off a little. He didn’t like this and did for a little while but is around again.
Any thoughts?

OP - if she is having an affair - it’s unlikely to be this out in the open.
I’d guess he has a crush on her and she was using him while you were away to help out with little ‘men’s’ jobs.
Women are good at that - sensing - and almost subconsciously asking men (who have a little soft spot for them) for help.

However - the way your post is written - it’s clear that you aren’t in a good place and almost looking for reasons to be angry at her.

So - yes - on this specific issue of this man - I think you are overreacting.

What makes you think she is having an affair?

Trust your gut

Josuk
A lot of things really. Started years ago before I went back to sea. She started meeting up with a dad of a someone my son swam with. I know that they met twice and it was hidden. I found out by accident. Seemingly innocent meetings but hidden from me? We talked about it and apparently I was overreacting so she said.
More recently I found a condominium in her pocket. I confronted her an she first gave me 1 lie about finding in our house. I knew her story was a lie because it was 1 of our condoms and I had counted them and one was missing. She then changed her story and said it was for a girlfriend. But that the girlfriend was having an affair. Which I have found out she has but why does my wife need to give her a condom?

OP - you sound unhappy; and in a way - i’d say - if you aren’t happy in a relationship, you don’t need to find external reasons to leave.

I’d also guess that the dynamics of your relationship changed when you stoped being away as much.
And it’s a normal thing - many people go through adjustments - when they move to/from being long-distance for a while and then getting back together again.

A friend once had her H work away Mo-Fri for two years. First it was hard. Then she got used to a certain rhythm of life. And then - when he came back and started living at home - it took them a while. They argued and sort of had to get used to living together again.

These two unconnected instances don’t scream affair to me.

Meeting a guy twice years ago and not telling you. Sure - maybe she should have told you. Maybe she was flirty. Or not, and just thought you’d get jealous. Who knows and it was years ago.

As to a condom in her pocket. (I won’t ask how you found it)
But - I just find it weird that she’d pack just one for her ‘evening of hot sex with an affair partner’; that she’ll be bringing it herself - rather than that possible affair partner; and that she’d pick it up from the family condom box.
None of that makes sense, including her friend needing just one condom... 🤷🏻‍♀️

But - as I said. Rather than focusing on this and spinning around and questioning everything. And before you let these thoughts overtake your life. Think about the actual relationship.
How is the actual relationship? Is she making your happy? Are you making her happy? Do you still laugh and do things together?

And if there isn’t happiness and joy there - it doesn’t matter if there is or is not anything else that’s going on.

OP,
Only you know you wife, do you think she's capable of actually having a full blown affair.?

Some Women like the thrill of men having a little crush on them, but don't actually go any further.

Is she a flirty type of person ?

I had a talk to him about it and asked him to back off a little. He didn’t like this and did for a little while but is around again. He's not the one you should be talking to.

If she's planning secret meetings behind your back and you're counting condoms and searching her pockets, then I'd say your marriage is way past being on 'rocky ground'. Talk to her, tell her how her friendship with this man is making you feel and ask her to join with you in making an attempt to fix your marriage by going to counselling, where you can address the clear lack of trust between you. If she says no, you have your answer.

Wow, some very wise words. The problem for me is the first time ( the 2 meetings) it’s that there were 2 meetings I found out about. I was told by a friend that the guy she met with was chatting up his wife as well. Except his wife didn’t respond. I found out about the first time as she had a text from him. I only looked at her phone because she had started being secretive about her phone and texts. The text said something about her meeting him in the woods. Something like “ maybe I shouldn’t meet strange men in the woods”
I talked to W.about it and she said I wa overreacting but wouldn’t meet him and it was nothing. She had been taking our dog out for walks in the car. We have plenty of places to walk the dog around us as we own 20 acres and are surrounded by woods and fields.
She said it was me and I needed to get out and find more friends and a hobby?
She cried a little when we talked but we hugged and I thought things were ok. I hadn’t been checking up on her or suspicious until just before. The next time was a month or so later I came home early from work and she and the dog weren’t there but her car was. There was a car parked on the side of the road that seemed strange. We live on a country lane with just a few houses and there is no reason for a car to park near us. Any way I had a strange feeling but went outside and started a couple of chores. We have a small farm so there is always work todo.
A little while later my W came out the woods with the dog and instead of walking across the road to our house she went down the road and up the field to our house. Seemed strange but not a problem I came in when she did said hello we chatted and then out the window I saw the guy from swimming come out the woods. And go to the car parked. Eventually after much denying she said she had met up with him. But it was nothing. What got me was it was strange that I had rondomly come home early wasn’t suspicious and had found out. It must have been organised when I said I would be out all day as I normally worked from home.
Anyway we talked she cried a little I was upset as well, but she swore it was nothing. Anyway things stemmed ok after.
I had a job offer but it involved me being away however we needed the money to pay for our farm and 3 children. I went to sea and was away for months at a time. I did this for about 4 years. I noticed her being more distant in the last year not texting as much, not wanting sex when I came home.
Just before Xmas 2015 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Boom what a shock! I had time off from work for my treatment. Initially she was caring and worried but became distant again. I had treatment away from home to get the best I could. So still away 4 nights every week for 2 months.
We talking about what would happen after. I wasn’t keen on going back away again. She did not seem enthusiastic about me staying home.
In the end I went back but only stayed just over a year. To many issues. I hated being away from my family always did. Cancer made me realise life was 2 precious and made me think about what was important. I knew there was a problem with my marriage and being away was making it worse at least for me. We hadn’t been intimate for / years. She didn’t really hug or hold me unless I did first. As soon as I stopped she did. If I didn’t say I love you first on the phone she didn’t say it. Many little signs. She was dressing different and always busy with friends.
After I left my job and came home she said to me one day “we’ll dont expect sex anymore”
She said this to me her H who had been away working after cancer treatment and couldn’t take being away anymore. I was shocked.
After that is when I found the condom. The atmosphere at home was very different.
1 day I came home and found and had another strange gut feeling saw a couple of strange things on the bed and a pair of tight trousers on the bed. Checked the pocket and there was a condom in it.
When she came home that is when we talked.
I have tried many times since to talk about us but she gets defensive. I have said we should go to MC and organised it but she didn’t want to go in the end. I have been on my own a couple of times.
I have said that I love her but that we need to work some things out. We need to reconnect. I said we should try to do something together not related to work each week. Like a date, a drink, or a walk.
She sort of agreed but we have done it once.
Pheew got to stop writing a novel here. Obviously I’m confused . Yes there is more than emotional affair going on. But I agree he is obviously attracted to my W. The issue is not that really. But as he is a friend of mine he should be able to understand that this winds me up and back off a bit. Maybe she uses it to wind me up.
I don’t want to play games. I hadn’t heard of EMs before and wondered about them.

If anyone reads this fully I’ll be surprised 🤪. I got carried away. To many issues!

I read it.

Have you heard of Occam's razor ? If not - Google it. Basically, it says the simplest explanation for something is usually the correct one.

I'm so sorry - there is no nice way to break this to you.

Your wife is having a physical affair with this guy.

No one carries a single condom around with them unless they have an expectation that they are going to have sex.

99 times out of a 100, that is the explanation. So let's assume your wife is in the 99, not the 1.

The reason you found a condom in her clothes was that they were planning to go off somewhere to have sex. Probably the woods walking the dogs ? Why she didn't use it ? Maybe because the other man brought one.

You have become a "boiled frog" in your marriage. Things have slowly got worse over time and you have made allowances and got used to to a new order - but you don't sound happy. What to do ?

I would say bugger it - and offer a divorce - but I understand you may want to get proof - otherwise it's an itch you can't scratch.

If you want proof - here's what I would do in your position. Buy a couple of spy cameras off ebay (with audio) - they are cheap (don't get them delivered to the house obviously). You can get them that are disguised as household objects - clocks, pens etc (Disclaimer - never bought one myself!).

Given that he visits the house when you are not there - place them where you think they will be - e.g. the kitchen - maybe even a bedroom. Then tell your wife you will be going out for the day (give her plenty of notice). Check the cameras - that should tell you whether or not the relationship has crossed the line.

Next step is up to you.

Jim - I’m really sorry you’ve been through a lot and you sound very unhappy.

You don’t need proof in a way you just need to see your wife is telling you who she is, and if that person doesn’t make you happy then you’ll be happier without them, and then free to find someone who values and cares for you as you are. And she can have walks in the woods with dogs and condoms with whoever she pleases.

If people are doing things to wind you up knowing it upsets you then they really don’t care about you.

Do you have children?

Sorry you do - that’s harder especially with a farm to manage but what is happening to you isn’t love

I think I Know a lot of the answers inside really. I came back to resolve them.
My love for my family and my W makes it all very hard. But that’s life.
I’m not trying to blame it all on her but trying to open a dialogue where we can resolve it one way or another.
It’s hard when you’ve worked so hard to build a family to then think ok let’s end it. But it’s not a real relationship anymore. I need to know her feelings and the truth about what happened.