How to deal with homophobic parents?

[gorseclay]

I’m 20 and at university. I’m “out” to my cousins and aunt who are very supportive of me. Then to my brother and parents.

My mum doesn't believe I'm gay, apparently it is a phase. Despite me coming out to her 2-3 years ago.

My dad just knows, I've never said "I'm gay" but I've told him I've gone on dates with guys and stuff, to which he says he's disappointed. He calls me things like poofter etc. He regularly says things about gays in the news like "disgusting fagot*s" "don't bend over around men like that" "willy woofter" even though I've told him to stop saying things like that. My mum doesn't support me.

I try and normalise being gay to my mum by speaking about my boyfriend. Who I have been with for a year and half and makes me very happy as is a good match. She NEVER asks anything. She tried to avoid the topic completely. She acts as if he doesn't exist. I forced her into meeting him once and it was almost comical how she literally said Hi and left and was extremely awkward.

My boyfriends family is everything mine aren’t, so supportive and welcoming and lovely.

It really hurts me when I see my brothers girlfriend be accepted etc.

She's happy enough to say she's proud of me for going to Cambridge but just ignores what I suppose is a pretty big part of my life.

During vac, home just feels like a massively depressing and suffocating place to be. I think I need to try and find a room elsewhere.

Maybe you could ask to keep your university room in the holidays as well.

Personally, I'd still go home but maybe for less time, as long as they have been nice parents apart from being homophobic.

Or, you could try the very direct approach: Parents, I'm gay and I have a boyfriend. Can you embrace this or shall I move out now?

If you are only 20, I guess your parents are quite young? Often homophobia is relatively amongst those aged 70+ but your parents must be younger than this. It's strange they are so homophobic in the first place and even more strange that they voice it.

Oh love, I really feel for you. My eldest is queer and I've always found it really easy to accept. Mainly because I 'knew' from when she was about 3. (She chooses 'queer' btw ) Like Scatty I find it unusual that parents probably fro my generation (My daughter is 25) are homophobic - are you from a minority or religious community? (massive generalisation).

There are some circumstances in which you will never change your parent's views because of culture or religion. There are others, simply related to ignorance, where you are just banging your head against a brick wall.

There is also a circumstance where, by living a good life and showing your parents you are content in your choices, they will come round to understanding and valuing you.

In all of these scenarios you owe them NOTHING. You do not need them to validate you. You do not need to prove anything to them. You cannot change them and it is not your responsibility to try to.

Keep doing what you're doing, live your life in truth and accept that you cannot control what others think

Don't 'Deal' with them... you've told them who you are.. they've told you who you are...

surround yourself with people who love you for who you truly are.. no more living a lie... be happy OP

ps Gorseclay, you may be at Cambridge but missed the apostrophe in 'brother's' twice

focus sweetie

You can't force anyone to accept you - so don't try.

Your parents are who they are and it's not your job to change them - if they can't accept you, it's a reflection on them, not you.

Continue to live your live out in the open, don't hide it, and think about how you can disengage from them.

Basically what @jayho said, times a million

Thank you for all the lovely replies! I’m not a minority no, but my mum is a first language gaelic speaker so kinda minority.

Yes, I need to focus on improving my English! Good job I’m studying a science.

gorseclay - if the situation is becoming untenable at home please talk to your personal tutor and DOS about what is happening, they are there to support you.
If you are a second year your college may be able to help with practical things such as helping fund rolling rent for you next year.

Unfortunately you cant change the mindset of your parents. Totally agree with what Userplusnumbers said.

Gorseclay, you rock!

You need the serenity mantra:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You can choose or delete the God bit.

I think you'll be ok.

If you don't feel ok, come to mumsnet and we'll support you x

You need to have a conversation about them treating you and your partner with respect. How does your boyfriend feel about all this?

I'm bi but mostly have relationships with other women. My dad is fine. He's quite a 'live and let live' type and won't judge. My mother on the other hand HATES lesbians and anything that might be remotely stereotypically lesbian-y. It's hard OP. I watched my sister date monosyllabic troglodytes who could have shat on the floor and still been given a king's welcome. Whilst my lovely girlfriend was unmentionable. It sucks.

Honestly though, I do think people who are that extremely anti-gay are really just closeted themselves, or very brainwashed. And I feel pity. I'm 35 now and it's a 'don't ask don't tell policy' between my mum and I although she insists upon ignoring the reality and telling me to get a boyfriend. Her loss really but it does suck.