How to remortgage to buy second home

[plastix]

My husband and I are not getting on. Due to my Aspergers we cannot live together. He doesn't understand my needs. We are usually OK when out of the house. Instead of divorcing, we want to buy another smaller place for me to live in by remortgaging. Obviously this is a financial strain but much less so than full on divorce and means we keep our relationship healthier. If we don't do this we won't survive. Has anyone done this before? I'm clueless as to how it works. We have a lot of equity in our house 1/9th of the value of the house left to pay off. Please support me and encourage me. The downside is that we have to wait until autumn due to a financial reason. We have a child.

Would it be better to rent short term to see how you fare living apart?

Sort of ‘try before you buy’?

Why not rent a small place, then you can both stay in the “main” noise when you have child.

House!!

It isn't due to your apergers it's due to him not wanting to understand and work on what you need for the relationship to work.

I really struggle with renting and feel especially anxious due to the lack of security but I understand why it is being suggested. I feel like it is a lot of money eg the admin fees at the start etc but also see that buying is really really expensive but it would give me my security away from him.

Thank you Jon. I think you are right. He lost it with me today. I ask a lot of questions as I need to understand things. I wanted to know why the broccoli was on top of the carrots in the saucepan which was too small as there was no water on the broccoli and it wouldn't cook. He got really angry and said I was disrespecting him and being negative. He swore and banged his hand on the Worktop. It wasn't meant as some weird backhanded criticism. I was actually concerned about the food not cooking properly. I know I sound weird and I do get that, but I have to do things in a certain way that I perceive correct.

Not really the point OP but the broccoli would just be steamed and cook perfectly well.

Shmiththecat- I think I understand that, but I need dh to have told me that rather than avoiding the question as that agitates me. I probably am very tricky to live with

I see things black and white and get frightened when people are angry with me. Since then I've shut down and have locked myself in the bedroom without anything to eat. I also need control. I struggle to cope with household things in a shared (marital home) but when I am on my own I realise the buck stops with me and I sort things out. I don't want to split up but I can't live with anyone. Surely there must be some other people who are also like me?!

I have autism and can never live with someone. We have a house each.

Even so, he is very understanding and would never ever shout and swear as he understands anger scares me and that I need explanations sometimes. Your husband doesn’t sound a great support to be honest :(

Op, You are describing me to a t!

Where would your child live?

OP me too. Never been diagnosed ASD but suspect I am.
I rent away from dh and also work. Dcs come and stay which i do find hard as i need my space but cannot turn them away.
I currently rent from a private landlord so no fees and I feel secure

I'm not really sure. Having a child has made everything more difficult.

Could you not stay in the house and he could rent somewhere nearby for a while?

How old is your child and who looks after them most of the time?

Do you work?

I am also wondering why it has to be you that moves out into a smaller place, unless you would prefer that?

You seem very sure that your marital issues are your fault OP but you are not describing a very kind man

Or could you try allocating separate spaces in your current home and taking it in turns to shop/cook for the week. Then when it’s his turn for the week you don’t go near while he’s cooking and clearing up, but when it’s your turn you do it your way?

Why is remortgaging less of a financial strain than divorcing?

If you decide to go down the mortgage route speak to your existing mortgage provider/broker. They can do an affordability check/ decision in principle based on your income and go from there. You may be able to borrow more on your existing mortgage as it’s not a buy to let.

It does seem a bit drastic though- have you ever been to counselling or is that something you could consider?

hi @plastix yes i'm like you 👋🏽 and my life is fucking hard. it should be perfect. i am lucky so have everything (on the outside) but every single day is a struggle and always has been. i do the bare minimum to survive in a world i don't belong in. no useful advice I'm afraid just letting you know i know it sucks to be this way. my own house all alone would be my idea of heaven.

I’d advise you to think about making sure you understand the ramifications of this if your marriage was to end anyway - if you’d moved out you would have relinquished being resident parent to your child, and you’d have less claim to a share of the finances, potentially.

Does it have to be you to move out?

If I asked my DH why the broccoli & carrots were in a too-small pan and he lost his temper and slammed his hand on the worktop and shouted, I would blame him, not me. I am NT.

Slightly- the problem is mainly at weekends when we are both here at the same time. I did suggest taking it in turns to be 'in charge' etc but he wasn't happy. Weekdays not so bad as I am at work full time. He has an allergy so often eats different food. Beginning to think that buying another house is too extreme. I can't work out what is acceptable and what isn't, if I am stupid or really do have a problem. I'm lost.

Thanks for dropping in merrydeath. Appreciate feeling like I'm not alone. He also wants another child and although part of me also does, I just know I CANNOT do that.

The only real answer I have is that you really aren’t stupid, that is for sure. Whatever works best for you all is ‘acceptable’ so don’t worry about that either.
It sounds like your DH needs to learn to compromise and help work out a solution rather than loose his temper, which won’t help anyone. Could you try couples counselling to explore your options do you think? You could also discuss his issues about more children. I’m not sure what is available in your area but I’m sure you can’t be the only couple in this situation. it sounds really difficult.

No squirrel- thank you for your sound advice. I don't want to jeopardise my future should divorce occur. Maybe I should stick it out a bit longer and then move back to where I grew up. We live in a nice county but I struggle because it isn't 'home'. I've stayed because it has seemed the best thing for jobs and opportunities for my child. I find great reassurance in being able to share these thoughts anonymously. If we didnt have the child which complicates the practical issue I probably would have left and got a lower paid job nearer to where I am from and lived alone. When I was younger (16ish) all I wanted from adult life was a nice room with a comfy bed and my own financial independence. It sounds so sad and unambitious I know. But I did what I thought I should and sought out a husband and child and nice house. I feel like I have to do what is accepted.