I haven't had sex with my husband since February!

[mummyluvsyoo]

I seem to have gone off sex. I like the idea of it, but I just don't feel like it! This is unlike me because I used to be quite rampant IYKWIM. DH is being very patient but it is getting very hard for him (if you pardon the pun ).
My beautiful DS is a real cuddly mummy's boy and is usually stuck to me like Velcro! This is lovely most of the time, but sometimes it gets a bit tiring when he wants my constant attention and physical presence - I feel like I can't even finish a thought sometimes. He has been going to nursery since he was about 22 months old, while I was studying usually for about two days a week. Now that I have finished my studies and he is older I am in a position to look for a part-time job. However I feel disillusioned that jobs in my field are quite scarce where I live. I am worried that I might have to settle for a different job just for the money, and this in itself causes me a lot of anxiety because until I qualified, I was doing lots of crappy jobs and I don't want to go back to doing that again - even though we need money, it just seems like a waste of all that time and money I spent studying.
I am a SAHM and my son is 3.5. We are feeling the financial strain of me not working, and I guess that curtails a lot of the activities I could do if we had more money. My social life consists of picking up my son from nursery or meeting up with other mums.
I and BORED BORED BORED. I feel like my brain is turning to pulp! I feel like I have no life of my own. DH says I do have a life, it's just not the same as it used to be that's all.
I love my husband, but I just feel so harassed and bored and pissed off sometimes and just want my own mental and physical space. All of this just makes me turn inwards and I feel like I have nothing left to give my DH, who loves me so much.
Is this a normal SAHM mum thing? Or am I just a spoilt a selfish ungrateful bitch?

I think I am you!
I think it's fairly common after being on the relentless hamster-wheel of being at children's beck and call to get very defensive about even more invasion of ones space.
I don't know what the answer is - we're trying to arrange to go out more in the evening and so on. But so bloody listless that I can't be bothered to make arrangements.

I think you've analysed your situation quite well actually (and no, you're not spoilt, selfish or ungrateful).

I think wrt work, you just need to get out there and start looking for one. I do exactly what you are doing and sit around and feel disillusioned and worry about what type of job I'm going to end up with - but you know, it's not really achieving anything is it . It's pondering for the sake of pondering (something I am a master in!). You need to get out and start looking for a job and building your confidence back up again.

Totally sympathise. "I just want my own mental and physical space. All of this just makes me turn inwards and I feel like I have nothing left to give my DH" I could have written this. I think that demanding children have an amazingly powerful effect on the libido.

As a short term solution, I find that exercise helps a little. Getting to a (gentle) aerobics class, or swimming in the evenings gives me a real sense of getting my own body back. (Course, then I'm also tired in a different way when I get home, but that tends to wear off after a while!)

I agree with Foxinsocks too. Have a look at the jobs available. You might be surprised.

"I love my husband, but I just feel so harassed and bored and pissed off sometimes and just want my own mental and physical space"

I am afraid I do not have any advice - just wanted to let you know that I understand exactly the way that you feel. I do have PMS this week but one night in bed I was (silently) irritated by being able to hear my DH breathing in bed, next to me. I craved to be alone after a day of clawing children and meeting other people's needs.

But I only feel that extreme abotu it at certain time sof the month. If you are feeling that all of the time you have my deepest sympathy.

I too am studying and due to finish the end of this year. I have been looking at jobs for a few months and feel like I am in the same position as you. There aren't a lot of jobs in my area for what I will be qualified as. I haven't yet faced the idea of doing something else.

Could you get a part time job for money and do some voluntary work in the field you have qualified? Then you might be in prime position if job vacancies turn up. Is moving house an option in the future?

Do you and your DH have a shared hobby? Could you get a weekly babysitter and go out once a week and do something you both enjoy? Badminton? dancing? Erm, whatever you like?

I also relate to the 'feeling pawed'. Mine are older now but I remember when they were that age - you spend the whole day with them clambering all over you, you get them to bed and FINALLY feel that you have your body to yourself (iyswim) and then your husband wants a piece of it . Not very conducive to getting some loving is it! You neeeeed space and I think some people need space more than others and if you are like that, I truly sympathise (and agree with the exercise suggestion - or anything, really, where you're doing something for yourself).

"just want my own mental and physical space". I relate to that! I got to a point when I couldn't even stand the cat on my knee.

If your DH is feeling deprived he needs to help you to change your life. Part-time job? Voluntary work? I agree that exercise will help. Could you go for a run during the time that DS is at nursery?

You are not a robot. You need space and time to yourself.

you should make every effort to have enough time to your self each day without a latching child or housework or other things to do (can be short amount of time, but imperative to do it). if you devote yourself to your child to the point that you can't enjoy yourself physically anymore, it will end up having a negative effect on you, your relationship and your child.

after two babies close to eachother, breastfeeding, and depression during my pregnancies, and a particulary latchy and demanding dd1, i was feeling like a dirty washcloth who didnt want to do anything. however, i quickly came to my senses and changed my life around before it was too late. having sex with your partner makes you feel better, keeps the relationship afloat with a breeze, and gives you vital energies to later expend on your children.

Are you able to talk to your DH about this? What time does he get home from work? Is he able to do your son's bedtime and let you have some time to yourself to 'recouperate' so that you feel a division between your daytime and your evening - much like you would if you were going out to work.

So it's not just me then? Thank goodness for that. I fully empathise with all of you. I was beginning to wonder whether I was having a nervous breakdown, sometimes I look in the mirror and think "who the hell is that?" Yes I do need to make so me-time for myself. My ideal would be to find a paid job I love that is in my qualified field.
I am doing unpaid work one evening a week in my qualified field - and whilst I am glad to be building up my professional hours and gaining experience, I kinda resent not being paid, because it deepens my sense of not feeling appreciated for the time I have given. Also I am in training for the Race for Life, so have (sort of) been in exercise mode recently. Lately we have been considering moving to Birmingham, but having left London for a smaller town, I am not sure whether I want to re-embrace big-city life - although that might solve the work issue.

Some of these posts made me laugh with irony of it all though - especially the "I couldn't even stand the cat on my knee" and the " irritated by being able to hear my DH breathing in bed". I so know how you feel.

Hi ekra. DH is very supportive and almost every night does the bath, story and bed routine with DS - but that usually takes about two hours until DS goes to sleep, which more often than not involves me going up and cuddling him to sleep after DH has sat with him for an hour of not sleeping. It doesn't make for a very relaxing evening. I could go out to the gym or something and I will be discussing this with DH later - because I think me leaving the house will unsettle DS even more at bedtime.

Ah! Another won't go to sleep without Mum boy. Mine were both like that, too.

3.5 is the age where even I (total softie) managed to put my foot down at bedtime, (or got dh to put his down, anyway!) and got him to go to sleep on his own. You can tell ds that if he kisses you both goodnight, and goes to sleep without Daddy or Mummy sitting there, he'll win a star. Say you will be just in the next bedroom, or sitting on the stairs if it helps, and say you will be back in five minutes to see if he has won his star. Five stars and he gets to choose a prize.

It worked like magic for my ds1. Ds2 took a bit more persuasion, but it does help a lot after a long day.

Thanks NQGU - we have tried all sorts of bribery. He goes through phases. DH used to be able to put him in his bed and he would fall asleep on his own with some music, with me or DH popping our head round the door occasionally, but for the past couple of months we have had to sit with him until he falls asleep and if it is me sitting, he wants me to cuddle him. He has now decided he is scared of the dark - even though the light is actually on, his door is ajar, the hallway light is also on and our door is ajar.

I hear what you say about putting my foot down, but he usually gets his own way because I don't want him to go to bed unhappy. So he gets all my energy and like I said, there is nothing left for DH.

On a more positive note, I have just returned from town, where I handed in my CV to two agencies and had a leisurely coffee on my own.

Ha I have only had sex twice since January 06!!!!!!!!!

lilymolly - I see your twice since Jan 06 and raise you 3 times since Oct 04. ds is as close to an immaculate conceptions as is possible......

Loss of libido is very very common in your situation: sex becomes one more resented chore rather than something you enjoy. You're doing a lot of the right things by getting your DH to help with childcare and looking for paid work etc, and do bear in mind that this stage will pass.
SOmething you might like to do (and it sounds like your DH is the sort of reasonable chap who will be amenable to this) is arrange 'date' nights where someone else looks after the DCs and the two of you go out somewhere, for a meal, to a film or even just to the pub for a pint. But sex is only going to happen if you initiate it (because if you're really low on libido, it becomes harder to enjoy a treat because at the back of your mind is a little voice reminding you that you now have to 'pay' for this treat by opening your legs: not a state of mind conducive to either having a fun night out, recovering a sense of self, or actually getting horny).

I hear you madamez. And Lillymolly and bamamama - I think we are going to have to hatch a plan to get our va-va-voom back!

The date idea sounds good. Part of my resentment DH always initiates sex and I get really pissed off because it feels like he is making even more demands on me on top of my demanding DS. Sometimes it's like having two husbands - DS gets really jealous when DH tries to cuddle me, he squeezes himself in between us or even hits, pinches or bites DH! The whole issue of bedtime is that he doesn't want DH to have me all to himself.

But yes if I could get the chance to initiate it I might feel better. Hmmm I'll ponder that one, and try and get someone to look after DS, even for a couple of hours.

My third child was born in Jan 06, and the last time I had sex was the night he was conceived. The time before that was the night my second child was conceived and he was born in November 04!!
I wouldn't be bothered if I never had sex again. I don't like it. Full stop!!

Me and DP rarely have sex since DS was born last year - I can totally understand how you feel about wanting your own physical and mental space. I thought it might improve since I went back to work but now I'm even more tired and at the minute really wouldn't care if I never had sex again! How is it affecting your relationship with your DH? My DP says he feels pushed away - I've found that I'm shying away from any kind of physical contact because if we start cuddling I worry he'll want it to lead to more, and then I'll have all the guilt, etc of turning him down again. I am trying to show him some affection physically but finding it difficult - I turn inwards too. I've started to get cross with DP when he tries anything now - feel like shouting IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?! Even though he's probably just got a normal sex drive and I'm the one with the problem.

Anyway, after all that ranbling, I just wanted to say I know how you feel and hope you find a way to sort things out.

Hi LMT

I feel we owe it to ourselve to make more time for ourselves - for our own sanity. This isn't just a question of not liking sex (for me anyway), I think it has become a battle for my space. Even if I do something small for myself, like going for a coffee on my own, which I did for the first time in nearly 4 years the other day, makes me feel better. It was so nice to walk down the street and not have to hold on to pushchair/bag of kiddy stuff/wriggly toddler - it did me a world of good . I am pleased to announce on mumsnet that "normal service has been resumed", for the time being anyway and posting on here helped me to not feel so bad and guilty about it - I realised it's not just me that's going through this.