Long distance relationship

[redco]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months now. He lives in Asia and I am here in cold, rainy England (not bitter at all ). I'm studying at the moment, graduating in 2020 so I'm stuck here until then. There is a chance he could move here sooner, but we both agreed previously it would be best for me to move there - which I would love to do anyway, I have always wanted to live abroad.

We are really happy together and perhaps I am being too forward, but I really think he could be the one. The distance sucks, but we have coped with it for a while now and both think it's worth the wait.

The problem is, I worry that I'm being led by my heart too much. The career that I am hoping to get into has a pretty clear path from early on, and I'd need to start making changes now if I wanted to go abroad straight after graduating. It wouldn't be a bad career change at all, just different. But still a significant change from what I've been aiming at for the last 5 years.

Plus, by that time we will have been together for years, but rarely spent any actual time together. We were together for a couple of months before he left for Asia, but now we only get to see each other max three times a year, for up to a month each time. We try to do normal couple things (for lack of better phrase) when we see each other - just the standard work/study, come home, eat dinner, watch TV etc. The daily routine of living together. However, this is still only for short periods of time and I worry that going from long distance to living together will be too much.

Sorry this was much more badly written that I'd hoped and it reads in a very pessimistic tone, which isn't what I was going for.

The comments I usually receive are just along the lines of 'distance never works, end it sooner rather than later'. But, we are so happy together and I want nothing more than just being happy together in person.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to plan my career and my life around moving there in two years time, without feeling like I am completely changing everything so that if the worst were to happen, I wouldn't be alone in a country I don't know, miles away from home. If I can't do this (I fear I'm asking for something impossible) - perhaps there is some way I can convince my super pessimistic brain that I am doing the right thing, no matter what?

Thank you so much to anyone who managed to read through the whole of this!

Sorry OP but I'm joining the "end it now - better sooner than later" brigade. I know it's harsh and you won't agree with me but relationships are built through shared experiences and shared time together. You can't do this when you're so far apart.

And you need to prioritise yourself at this age (which I'm assuming is young, eg 18/19 if you're graduating in 2020). This is the ONLY time in your life when you will be able to put yourself first - education, love, future direction and you really should take advantage of it. People are always afraid to prioritise themselves but I've learned that it's only when you are content and happy that you can help make others so.

Maintain the relationship if you want but please put yourself at the top of the priority pile.

My husband and I were in a similar situation to you and your bf. Though we met working in Asia, but then he lived in the UK and I was from the U.S. We spent nearly a year together but then 2 years long distance, like you seeing each other about 3-4 times a year for a month at a time (until my career was in a place I could emigrate and we could get married).

I guess the first question is why did he move and why hasn’t he been the one to come back to be with you. If you’re both British, it makes sense for you to be in a place long term that most benefits both your careers. That might be Asia but I would expect it might be the UK depending on your field. If for immigration reasons it easier to go there, then it might be worth giving it a year or two together there (and getting some work experience, likely you can find something vaguely related to your field that would still benefit your cv even if you moved back, together or on your own).

I think you need to work out a plan and a compromise together that benefits both of you. In our case, I wanted to move (I preferred the UK), but from an immigration perspective it was easier and cheaper. But it also didn’t affect my career, though it was easier for my now dh to work in the UK rather than U.S. Ultimately, it meant it wasn’t a massive sacrifice for either of us.

So I do think it’s totally doable. We did it for 3 years before we could be together on the same side of the world. We’re now happily married, been together 10 years with two children. But it took a lot of talking between us and planning for a life together. The planning really should be mutual though and it may involve him moving here or both of you moving to start a life in a third country. Importantly, it has to be equal, with every happy with that arrangement and no one sacrificing too much at the expense of their future.