Toxic relationship breakup

[Neonmoon]

Help please.
I left my husband who I was with for 17 years a year ago. I'm really struggling. He wasn't a nice person for the whole time we were together and I finally got the courage to leave with our 2 children (10 & 8). I had a life of stepping on eggshells every day, was always doing wrong, was always wrong. Told how to dress, how to act. If I did something wrong I'd be apologising for a month after. I tried everyday for all this time, I'm not perfect and make mistakes I know but not to the extent. I got really depressed anyway started on anti-depressants about 4 years ago. At the time it was just accepted that it was because I had problems and nothing to do with him. He always came and went and did whatever he wanted whereas I wasn't allowed to do anything. He never did anything wrong in his eyes. It's hard to portray the reality of it and sometimes I question my sanity but I know. We had a house together and our children. I left with my kids and now have nothing as I haven't pressed for anything from the house, he always makes me feel bad about it and me being me would rather struggle than have to go through any more turmoil.
I thought life would be better, I thought I'd feel better but I don't, I feel sad, very depressed and struggle every day, I'm not flying free. I just want to know has anyone else been through anything like this and are you ok? That's all probably quite jumbled up, sorry x

Men like this erode your confidence and it takes a while to build it back up.

I left under similar circumstances when my children were younger than yours. It was really hard and I felt a lot of guilt and grief for a very long time. But I started to realise my DC would be ok, I would be ok. And slowly my confidence came back. Of course it’s still hard but I can be me again and not have someone always picking at me and soul destroying me.

I understand about the money but try to think if in a few years when you are emotionally you might regret not getting some financial security for your DC.

You will get through this and from what you’ve written you’re doing the right thing.

This was on the radio last week www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p062h85w. Please do feel confident that you have done the right thing for yourself and your DCs. I left my controlling H but I still missed him! A breakup of a relationship is still like a death, even if it's a bad one! Things will get better.

That should read.. when you’re emotionally stronger.

Highly recommend a book called “it’s my life now” available on Amazon

You’re going through a lot

Thanks for your replies and recommendations everyone, I shall certainly look into them.
Sometimes it's so lonely going through all this. I feel like it's left such a void between myself and other people. So thank you for your time.
I think I need to slow down a bit and realise it won't just disappear over night but will take time. Just sometimes it's suffocating.
I know with the house, he has everything and can do what he likes, he says he can't give any money towards his kids but yet goes out with his new gf, has full sky etc. It's just the fact he will make me out to be the bad person to my children for having to sell the house. He already messes with their little minds. Its something im going to have to think about carefully I think.

Well done on finding the courage to leave.

I think you should get in touch with Women's Aid as they may be able to help you and you really need some legal advice. He should be paying maintenance. You are entitled to equity in the house too.

Your children will be able to look back and see you have done the right thing for them and for yourself, so don't worry about that.

It’s such a difficult thing for other people to understand who haven’t been there. In their mind you are out of the relationship so all should be happy and easy. But it’s not like that.
It’s hard work raising dc on your own, and yes it is lonely. I completely sympathise with you.
It does take time which in itself can be frustrating. But I promise it will get better and it has to be better than the eggshells you constantly had to walk over.
But be cross and vent and get it out and know it’s hard and bloody unfair he get to do whatever he wants to do. But also take strength from the fact that you don’t have to put up with his controlling behaviour anymore and you are free.

I do think he has to pay for his dc, that isn’t fair and maybe look in to a free half hr with a solicitor or citizens advice? I couldn’t survive without my maintenance.

I always hope that they'd see I've done the right reasons but then I worry that they wouldn't too. Their dad is very clever and can twist anything to his advantage. I think that's one of the difficult parts of it now is the fact that I was the only one that experienced this side of him everyone else thinks he's wonderful. It makes me question my own sanity, but I know.
Thank you LokisLover, that's exactly it and what I have to keep reminding myself of but like I say difficult sometimes too when he's playing his part. I used to believe in karma, but I don't anymore. He's asked me to lend him some money which has amazed me with the fact he hasn't given anything for his children hardly and because he is in our house I can't get any help with housing. I shall try women's aid, I think I've emailed them before but hadnothing back