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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to do?

9 replies

Ladyofthedance · 01/04/2018 08:35

I'm not sure what to do here. I'm 31 and my DP is exactly 20 years older so 51. Been together since I was 23 and my best friend. He's a good partner in lots of ways and a fantastic person. Neither of us ever had relationships with such a big age gaps but we fell in love and the rest is history.

I feel quite sad about this now and I'm not sure what to do but the last few years things have been tough mainly due to some decisions made about where we live etc. I'm at the stage now where I'm thinking about marriage and children but I feel like financially were not there yet and I suppose I feel annoyed because if we'd made different decisions a few years ago as I had said at the time we would be here now.

I can't see us being realistically ready for kids for at least another 2 or 3 years but maybe by then he will be too old. I just don't know if I think it's a good thing to have kids in your mid 50s.

Part of me wonders whether I should break it off and just go or separate ways now. But if I'm being 100% honest I know that that I may very likely not meet anyone else let alone anyone else I like as much or is as good as he is.

What would you do?

OP posts:

ablatant · 01/04/2018 08:43

Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?

Would you choose him over kids?

ablatant · 01/04/2018 08:47

But sorry, in answer to your question, I'd work out what I wanted - whether that was through counselling or reflection - and make the best decision I could, hoping I wouldn't regret it.

If he has kids at his age he won't live long into their adulthood - he might not live that long at all. You might be doing more of the work if he gets tired easier, or suffers ill health.

But then anyone can die at any age in an accident or something; and some people in their 70s are more active than some teenagers. There are no absolute guarantees.

Ohyesiam · 01/04/2018 08:50

You’ve not told us what he says about it.

Ryder63 · 01/04/2018 08:50

Realistically he is at the grandfather, rather than new father, stage of life. Plus men in their 50s become prone to ailments. I don't know many men 50+ without some sort of medical issue going on!

If you have children with this man, bear that in mind - you may effectively become a single parent, regarding the physical grunt work of childrearing.

M0RVEN · 01/04/2018 08:56

If he has kids at his age he won't live long into their adulthood - he might not live that long at all. You might be doing more of the work if he gets tired easier, or suffers ill health

Get a grip. Her partner is 51 not 91.if he’s in reasonable health he might expect to live another 35-40 years. That’s easily enough to see your kids become adults.

However in the OPs shoes I would leave. That age gap will only seem bigger in terms of interests and lifestyle. And If he’s not financially secure at 50 if will never happen.

I’m guessing he doesn’t actually want kids. It’s not that 50 is too old to conceive then or raise them. It’s that having your first child in your 50s in a Huge lifestyle change .

peekyboo · 01/04/2018 08:58

Life is there to be lived more than planned. If you love him, don't plan around whether he's ticking enough boxes to he a father, either have children with him or stay with him because you want to.
For the money side of things, plan some but don't stress over getting it right before you start having children. You don't know how long it would take and children do cost a lot but mostly they drain you slowly as they grow, they don't tend to take all of it at once.

ablatant · 01/04/2018 09:00

No grips needed, thanks. If they're not trying for another few years and then it takes a few years of trying, he could easily be closer to 60. And my parents in their 50s were pretty "old", they couldn't have handled a toddler easily. As I said, it all depends.

Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 09:14

I think the key is communication. Sit down with him and talk about what you both want. I think it would be a shame to end the whole relationship if everything else is good. Maybe this issue is engulfing you? Could you see a relationship guidance counsellor? Hope you sort it out xx

lostincumbria · 01/04/2018 10:13

I have another who is 62 and has a 10 year old. He adores her, even more so for having her late in life and seems to keep up the pace. He's probably younger now than he wou of have been without her.

You know yourself and your partner best. How do you think he'd be as a parent of teenagers in his sixties?

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