I have never gotten over my ex

[Smartiearty]

I have a problem. It has been a problem for the last 10 years. I have not spoke about it until now.
I was with my ex boyfriend from my last 2 years of high school until my early 20s, he was a couple of years older. I adored him. I put him on a pedestool and always thought he was too good for me.
Towards the end, he pulled himself away and it's was obvious his feelings for me had changed. He was pretty cowardly about it and in my misery, it was me who ended the relationship as a way to save my sanity and self respect.
He was a total charmer, good looking, well respected, had a fantastic job quite young, generous, impressive.
I received counselling in my mid/late-twenties after I realised that still thinking of him daily and driving past his house every few weeks was extremely unhealthy.
Counsellor said I'd been 'charmed' we unpicked his personality and my head came to realise I definitely would not want him back or to be with anyone like this ever again. That he had played some pretty calculating tricks during the time we were together etc. I wrote him letters, ripped them up, burned them amongst other therapies and saw a big improvement.
I went on to meet my now husband who is much kinder, not as shallow, loving etc and we now have 2 DCs together. I am so glad that I have my DH as opposed to this ex. However, I still think about the ex far too much, I dream about us getting back together, about him realising the error of his ways and asking me to take him back almost weekly.
I feel annoyed at myself. I know he turned out to be shallow, untrustworthy, selfish. I have a much better man now. But I just can't shake it off.

I would say that in the first few years together my ex was very loving, genuine, caring even in our immaturity but he changed towards the end. So much so that even his friends said so and distanced themselves. I tell myself he is not the person I fell in love with all those years ago, he changed considerably, but it's like I still can't properly let go. My sensible self knows I made the right choice and that my life is better and happier for it, but it's as if my sub-conscious just won't let it go.
I don't think I ever really got the closure I needed then and there is No way I'm ever going to get it now. I often wonder if he thinks of me, I think about how well I've done for myself and how I'd love for him to see that he's not better than me afterall. I keep on challenging these thoughts and bringing myself back to now and what's important but it's really hard. Its like he really got a hook into me somehow. Is there anything else I can do to properly put this to bed?

I'm not an expert on this sort of thing but could it be that really what you miss is the 'first love' experience rather than him? Maybe because all the emotions were so new and strong they left a permanent imprint? But you know rationally that actually being with him would not be like that?
I think I have had similar sorts of experiences - also limerance - which is a horrible feeling of sort of worshipping someone, even when rationally you know they are not worthy of it.
I guess the thing to recognise are that these feelings are actually about you,not him. It might be worth trying to work out what 'gap' these feelings meet - not necessarily a gap in your current relationship. Maybe it's to do with how you feel about your life, job, future etc etc

I hear what you're saying. I was in a similar situation but he dumped me. It was only a few years ago, when I was doing some self searching to find the cause of my depression that. I realised that I had been hanging on to the memory of a near perfect relationship that hadn't actually been that.

You need to look at the relationship for the negatives not just at the end but through the relationship.

You deserve s happy future and harking back to this relationship is not going to help

Going through a similar thing. My ex of 8 years is a sociopath / narcissist and there is a long history of emotional and domestic abuse. We have a dd together who is 6 now. I was single for 2 years and thought I was over it after counselling. I met a new guy, we've been dating a few months and all going well ... he is the nicest guy in the world and treats me so well.

THEN I found out my ex is dating someone new. I picked a fight with my new man because I needed the space to deal with this. My nice guy is still there because he loves me that much.

The only thing to do is as I do daily ... ask myself would I ever be happy if I went back? The answer is a resounding no!! This man put me through years of torture, so I remind myself how unhappy I was, how much he hurt me and how lucky I am to have found one of life's genuine nice guys.

Don't feel bad about thinking about the "what if's" as it is part of what makes us human, but don't screw up your marriage or hurt your nice guy because of what your ex did.

Maybe some more counselling?

Where I'm from people call this FFS... First Fuck Syndrome. Assuming he was your first, this makes someone really hard to forget and let go of. Like pp it's probably linked to being your first love and not accepting how it changed then ended for no apparent reason.

“Gotten”

This relationship is part of your story and always will be. It's ok to admit that he will always hold a little piece of your heart. You will always think of him fondly. But it's over and it's for the best. You won't get any closure apart from the closure you give yourself. There are equally good things in your future if you look forwards instead of backwards.

Thanks hours of fun. I've never heard of limerance before... something to look into. It sounds rational that I'm missing the intense first love feelings as opposed to him... I have had other boyfriends, but never felt so deeply as I did with him and the relationships were nowhere near as intense. Perhaps that comes with 'first' loves.
It's driving me nuts. I don't want to think about him anymore. I haven't seen him in years. I've no desire to.
I'd even come to think that maybe there was something deeper going on, like we're supposed to cross paths again at some point in our lives for whatever reason. But were poles apart now, in every way, we would have very little in common.

FFS 🤣

It's because you never really get over the first person to break your heart. Past it and better off certainly but they'll always hold that headspace of first experiencing romantic rejection and betrayal etc. It took my six years plus to get past my first. And we lived in different countries and it was pre social media!
I think you need to accept that he holds that space in your heart and always will but his part in your life-movie or chapter in your autobiography is over. And stop driving by his house.

I agree with everyone. You aren't alone in finding getting over someone difficult.
I think ( not a counsellor) that you need to feel it and not deny it. A bit like depression. Acknowledge the pain, feel all the emotions, realise you are still a happy functioning adult and carry on. Repeat as necessary.
I have had one perfect relationship and I have to say I still can't find anything wrong with him. He was the other end of the spectrum to the the narcissist, the abuser or even the madly irritating. It's very hard to find closure on someone that great. I go with " better to have loved and lost....etc" and accept that having someone that special always meant it would hurt eventually even if we had married and lived happily ever after.