One sided relationship...

[NicoleSalski]

Has anyone else fallen in to a one-sided relationship without realising it?

Long story short (ish)... I do a lot for DP. Cook meals, buy little gifts that remind me of him, help with SD, help him with job applications, arranged a solicitor for him when he needed it etc etc. We don't have sex, he tries, I push him away, and I've come to realise that this is because of his lack of attentiveness. He does nothing for me. And when I say nothing, I really mean nothing... I can't name one nice thing. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and he hasn't done anything to me since I found out. I'm exhausted, sick, grumpy. Has he bought me flowers, or cooked a meal, or run me a bath? No, nothing.

I have grown to resent him and don't know what to do.

Am I expecting too much? Do your partners do nice things for you (even just every day stuff)?

I'm a bit lost and feel I give so much for so little...

Are you sure you really want this baby?

He sounds like an absolute drain on you

@Quietlife1979 I really do. This is my first. I have had a number of traumatic miscarriages and simply could not consider not having this child.

I'm just amazed that I've only just realised this. I would've thought this should've been more obvious to me earlier on. I'm such a mug.

He makes us cups of tea in the evenings, and my pot of coffee in the morning, that's it.

@Namethecat not just me then...

DP does a lot for me, but it's not technically for me, I guess? He does the washing, dishes, cleans the bathroom and tidies up after himself and helps with all the housework. He doesn't do it for me as such, as it's his house too but it feels like a lot. He'll offer to run a bath and gets juice when I'm thirsty etc... I've been with people before who haven't done it so feel spoiled, but I think it's quite normal.

Do you think you glossed over his bad qualities maybe as you were keen to fall pregnant? Nobody could blame you for that. Is it an option to leave him and raise the baby on your own?

You don’t need to be with him to have this baby.

Mine does all the finance eg remortgaging, transferring funds to savings. We have joint accounts and spend what we want. He does all of the cooking and most shopping. He takes my car for services on his days off.

I do the housework, change beds, vet appointments. I think I’m very lucky. I definitely do less than him day to day.

@StormcloakNord I don't think I glossed over them. I think I was just very naive to think it was normal to receive nothing in a relationship. My ex partner was quite abusive. Never hit me but raised his fist a few times and used to punch the wall next to my head. I think this might have caused me to drop my expectations (sorry, drip feeding a bit here).

I just don't know what to do. Trying to be honest with myself and I really don't think I'll leave...

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

@user764329056 I'm going to. I really just needed some advice before doing so hence why I'm on here...

@Gide sounds like you've got a good'n. I do everything you've mentioned. Finances, cooking, housework, beds, appointments (even appointments for him which don't involve me)... oh my god. I'm a mug...

Ahh, Nicole that's so sad. ☹

I think you know you deserve a lot better, but you've been realistic and said you doubt you'll leave. What do you think the next steps are? Will he listen if you tell him you're disappointed with how one sided things are?

@StormcloakNord I hope so! But do people change? Am I hanging on to the idea of raising a family with two parents when actually, one may be better? I don't even know how to bring this up with him. I'm so lost...

@NicoleSalski I really feel for you. It's easy for me as a stranger to tell you that absolutely one parent happy is better than two sad... but that involves flipping your whole life around and sometimes that can be incredibly daunting. People can change, for sure, but if he promises to change and falls back to his old behaviour within a week or month then I doubt he ever will, unfortunately.

@StormcloakNord I'm going to have to talk to him. I'm going to write him a list of everything I have done for him in the past 6 months and ask him to do the same. Hopefully it'll hit home... this may be a terrible idea but I have a funny feeling it'll make him think... oh I don't know 😖

@NicoleSalski let us know how you get on. I think it's a great idea highlighting to him how much you do for him. Ask him how he would feel if you stopped doing these things for him and how much more difficult his life would get. It's so important to be equal and you deserve someone who brings as much to the relationship as you do!

Thanks @StormcloakNord - and I will! Thanks a lot for your kindness/support.

Anyone else have any advice it'd be much appreciated!

I'm glad you're going to talk to him. You said it has become normal for you so I expect it has for him. I hope he realises sharpish that it isn't.

I can't imagine doing all of that - I'd be exhausted.

I do most of the basic housework through the week as I'm here (I'm home from 1pm, he's out until 7pm) but when I worked longer hours he did most of it.

He takes over all domestic things - dishes, kids, making the coffees, etc, - when he gets in from work because I've been doing it all day. He cooks at weekends because I've been doing (burning) it all week. Or through the week if I've got caught up with something. And he gets our eldest up and does breakfast because he's up early anyway.

He just naturally picks up what needs to be done and I've never had to 'ask' but perhaps that's because when we first moved in he was working FT and I was studying FT with a PT job so I was out much more so he did it all. That was our normal. I've only taken on more as my hours changed.

Everyone's normal is different. I hope that when he realises you're not happy with the way things are he will wise up.

With the pregnancy I can't imagine how tired you are.

Congratulations btw.

Thanks @DamsonOnThisDress - I don't think he's ever going to change but worth a shot I guess!

It's always worth a shot and I really do hope he can take it on board. You don't have to settle though.

I was in a very one sided relationship when I was much younger but I'm glad because it made me intolerant of shite! I'd wasted enough time on him so didn't settle for something not right again.

Eventually met husband and I honestly couldn't list the thoughtful things he does - many, daily. He's currently driving round trying to find an open shop because I took a notion of Roysters crisps.

Tbh your thread has made me realise ours is getting very one sided too and I need to do little things for him. He's the thoughtful one who puts me first and I do take that for granted sometimes. I need to catch myself on so thanks for posting this.

I really hope you get somewhere. Talk and stop doing quite so much for him. Good luck.

Agree you should talk to him but once you’ve had the initial conversation I’d give it a few days and have a follow up where you talk about what the future looks like. Ie what he will start doing no right now and also what he will do when the baby arrives.
While I would not be framing it as an ultimatum but I would be very clear that if things remain the same you won’t be hanging around too long.

Although I should have said given your pregnancy I'm not sure I'd necessarily advise doing anything drastic atm. I think you should put you and your baby first right now. Look after yourself. It's easy to get in a cycle of doing more for him in a bid to get something back which compounds your frustration. Look after yourself.

You could look at the languages of love - does your DP show love in a different way to you?
www.5lovelanguages.com/

You could sit down and have a serious talk about how you would like him to be more attentive and give him examples of exactly what you would like him to do to support you. I know it's not romantic but some people do need to be told. Explain it makes you feel uncared for and that you want to improve your relationship.

Don't let resentment grow - it is a death knell once it goes too far. Open communication up -see if he is open to change