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[ManxMum]

Did anyone see 'Obedient Wives'?

Where do I start?
2nd marriages for both of us 4 kids between us and H like to be the dominant in the relationship. He also has social difficulties (aspergers?) He rarely speaks/listens to me, but demands attention when he wants to talk, he never goes to bed at the same time as me and never gets up with me. Our sex life is nil, and he doesn't work as he is a full time student. To top this, he is going to Uni for 2 years this Sept and will be home Xmas, easter, but not half terms and will not be supporting me. He doesn't want to work whilst at Uni and expects me to provide a car for him. He has very obssesive in his behaqviour and immediately purchased the surrendered wife book as he sees this as the ideal relationship, but I have lost all respect for him and the marriage has 'flatlined' He's here, but I am so lonely. He wont listen when I tell him all my feelings, just buries his head in the sand or goes of in a huff. What can I do?? What should I do??

What do you want to do?

Can I ask what you saw in him in the first place?

Message withdrawn

i dont think you should be thinking of being a 'surrendered wife' in these circumstances.

is he depressed?

cx

He was very different when I first met him, very supportive and caring and would take the lead in our relationship and responsibility for us as a family, just as the 'book' advocates and I wanted from a relationship. He changed 5 years ago and it now seems I am his 'other mother'. But I need someone to support and take responsibility, as in an old fashioned marriage.

Oh dear, what does that mean? Old fashioned marriage?

you want him to get a job and support your need to be at home with the children?

Why don't you leave him and get a job yourself?

I feel very let down and scared at having to cope with a special needs child and being on my own when he goes. I have asked him to look for a job, but he avoids the issue. He spends all his time on the pc and as we speak he is still in bed, which is nothing unusual. He doesn't seem depressed, but I am with the hopelessness of this situation

Do you still love him?

Can you see yourself with him in 5 years? 25 years?

You are quite frankly deluding yourself that you are not alone at the moment.

Do not use it as an excuse to stay in a relationship with this man when in the next breath you proclaim how he doesn't contribute, work, help out, talk or communicate, no sexual relationship.

It quite frankly seems a no brainer.

You do not get an income from him
sex from him
conversation from him
help from him
friendship from him
expensive gifts from him

What do you get precisely?

An old fashioned marriage where he works and I look after home and child and with the respect that would make me want to care for my husband, because he cares for us by providing for us all. I did work,but had to stop driving and am having trouble obtaining a job nearer home. He is leaving in Sept to go to Uni, I had no say in this, and as I pay the mortgage and everything atm, I suppoise divorce could be an option. It's as though we've had a role-reversal, I am the bread winner, with the home and child care responsibilities and he's become another child. I am very lonely.

Is there anything left to love? It feels as though his mere presence irritates me, like a boil.

No christmas presents, no birthday card or present and on our anniversary I 'lost it' and he then ordered flowers. Then told me he ordered them the day before! He buys things online, spending money we don't have, on total crap.

Possibly he is depressed, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to devote yourself to making him better with no effort on his part.
Forget the "surrendered wife" thing, it's utter crap: properly negotiated BDSM is far healthier anyway.
As is being discussed on a few threads at the moment, it's hard when things change and what you thought was the deal you'd made in your marriage turns out either not to work or not to be change-proof. But if you';re this unhappy, it's time to point out to him that you matter too, and if he doesn;t devote some time and effort to helping you out (marriage is teamwork) then he can't expect your unending support.