Ex H being offensive to me but expects me to facilitate to our daughter

[allthegoodnameshadgone]

Split up a few years ago.

Last night I got a load of text messages calling me all kinds of offensive names and also about my now fiance.

It's like the straw that broke the camels back.

I need to write down everything that's happened this year to see what someone else would do in my situation.

A few months who he left the country and went to see family halfway round the world with no intention of coming back. Didn't even say goodbye to our daughter just text me from the airport to say was going and I needed to sort the house out.
Told me to sell it and take whatever profit was in it.
Then came back and dicked around about what I was getting price wise for it. Then said he wouldn't sell it without me giving him my half of the profit. I gave him it as I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own and it wasn't a life changing amount anyway. I'm happier that it's no longer a worry. Unfair but hey ho you can't buy peace of mind and now I have this to some extent.

I asked the csa to open a case for maintenance as I felt I couldn't rely on him anymore or trust anything he told me. They did and I asked them to apply a variation (thanks mumsnet) as he was taking dividends out. They are now recalculating what he should pay.

This sparked off the abusive messages
And emails.

He's said he will live on less than £1000 a month and leave the Money in his business and not take dividends to avoid paying me maintenance. He pays minimal at the moment, far less than what we had verbally agreed before the csa was involved.

He owes over £100k to hmrc etc etc.

First question: can he do this legally?

He has arranged to meet me with our daughter for supervised access and has not turned up once due to being drunk the night before. This was the fourth occasion in as many weeks he has let her down. He said today this was because he didn't want to see me as he hates me.

I am not prepared to allow unsupervised access at the moment as he is a flight risk in my opinion and he is not behaving like a rational stable person.
Last week he texted me and said he was trying to drink himself to death and felt suicidal at new year.

Second question ": After the let downs, the abusive messages, the suicide mentions am I now unreasonable to say that he needs to take me to court for access.

I am sick of worrying about what is the right thing to do.

No! You are not being unreasonable at all! Get to a solicitor and show them the messages. Injunction time!

Time to see a solicitor for sure. Keep your childs passport and birth certificate somewhere safe - could you leave them with a friend or relative if necessary?

Yes, he can order a copy of the birth cert himself, but I'd bet my bank balance he won't.

It may be worth having a look at the Women's Aid and Gingerbread websites for some useful advice.

Sorry that was so long thank you for reading to the end.

I spoke to the police this morning. I've logged the abusive texts and emails. Someone is going to call me back. Probably will be after the bank holiday.

I just feel very wary now about what he may do in the future. He's very vindictive and a bitter person.

To him it's all about the money. I don't care about it. The fact I'm getting less through the csa than what he was paying me isn't an issue.

I do however think what they will now suggest he pays maintenance wise will be more than what he thinks he should pay.

The suicide thing is an attempt to emotionally blackmail and control you - don't buy into it.

I have spent the last year bending over backwards for him and I have always felt sorry for him as he doesn't have much family around him.

However after what he called me last night and said about my partner I am done.

Previously I have bought into the whole suicide talk but if he were serious he wouldn't mention it to me if all people would he.

He's said he will live on less than £1000 a month and leave the Money in his business and not take dividends to avoid paying me maintenance.

Did the twat put that in one of his emails? If so, forward it to CSA (or whatever they're called now).

Yep he did. Said he's going to invest it in rentals.

If he’s threatening suicide a) I’d let him get on with it and b) I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my kid, you have no idea if she’ll be safe.

Perhaps this kind of behaviour is why he doesn't have much family support.

As he obviously is not of sound mind it's surely your responsibility to keep dd away?

Nope. Deny access and speak to a solicitor. He is a risk to your daughter and as he;s already not bothered turning up, ignore absolutely everything he says. Then answer with 'you need to speak to my solicitor'.
As an aside, my friend has a dd with an arsehole like this. A few weeks ago he attempted suicide with their dd in the house. the police/social work are now involved (they reported him) and she has stopped access to him and his family or risk a child protection order.
So, for your dd's sake, no unsupervised access. thats if he can be bothered to turn up.

I spoke to a solicitor as I wanted to take this to court to ask a judge to sign off on supervised access and for a judge to agree
What was reasonable in terms
Of frequency, how long each time and where in the country we would meet. (This is because he chooses to move around and insists on in the meeting in the middle - I have always agreed to meet in the middle as it seemed fair but now I am not so sure) anyway the solicitor said if I take him to court to get all this put in place, it will cost me not him. I would have to pay court costs etc.

Plus if he doesn't turn up that is up to him but if I specify contact every other weekend I have to make out daughter available even if he misses ten arrangements or I am in breach of court!

If they wrote to him and he decides to respond then times to the same
Letter addressing different points or changing his mind, that's ten sets of solicitor work I would have to pay for.

They have advised me to let him take me to court to lessen the cost to me.

I suppose I am intimidated by him and I was throughout the marriage and me now doubting myself is the after affects maybe.

Let him take you. I bet he won't.

I bet he won't either.

Rightly or wrongly what I feel bad about is if I stop the access then he doesn't see her, if he can't afford to pay for a solicitor it feels like to me it would be my fault they didn't see each other.

Someone talk some sense into me please.

Do it now. Or you'll be doing it another decade. It took us 9 years we should have done it straight away. All the playing it fair just screwed me and the kids over for much longer.

It's up to him to want it and make himself available.

I’m pretty sure the dividend thing is true op, if he’s keeping it in the company and not actually paying it to himself then it’s not part of his income.

Eventually though he’s going to have to withdraw it to use and aslong as you get a review ever year through the csa then there see it one year and his payments will go up.

It is. The main issue of the Abusive messages from him is that he will only be able to live on x a month until DD is 18 so that I can't "steal" money from him through the CSA. His words.

The rest of the money he earns will stay in the company until DD is 18. He refuses to sign the clean break agreement to sever us financially (we have nothing together it's more to protect against future earnings etc) I don't think he realises that this is the prime type of thing a solicitor would take on and probably win.

Follow your solicitors advice.

Please just take a breath and stop thinking about what he wants and what he 'deserves'. Put your daughter first. She is not safe around him, nor should she be hauled around the country to facilitate his whims.

Have a look at the Women's Aid Freedom programme, it's time to break his hold over you for good. You and your daughter deserve a stable life and some peace.

The games he's playing work because you're buying in to them. He has conditioned you over the years and is playing with you like a cat with a mouse.

Get some help and support to stop the game. It's not easy but it's worth it. It really is. I look back (many years now) and am amazed by how well he'd trained me and how compliant I was.

Thanks Weezol.

Happy Easter

I will look up what you have suggested