My abuser passed away

[confusingconfusion]

May be triggering

Hello all, it's a strange one (in my head at least). I'll be grateful for even one reply as not sure who to talk to IRL. I'm trying to be vague in the details.

A relative died yesterday (a parent's parent) and he actually abused me once as a child - that I can remember. And he did sort of again when I was an adult.

I told my parent a few years ago about it and I don't think they believed me, not that I was making it up but more that I have got confused.

I just wanted to know is it normal to feel strange when this happens? I hate that part of me feels sad he's gone and I also think my parent is angry towards me for bringing it to their attention as in recent years they distanced themselves from this man and now feel regretful I think. They seem to have been a bit off with me since the news. I'm probably being paranoid about that though.

I've even had thoughts that I hallucinated it all and got confused as a child and that I've made a huge mistake somehow, but I definitely do have memories of inappropriate touching.

Sorry about how I've worded this, I really don't want anyone recognising me :(

Could it have happened to your parent awful and that is why they are being weird?

I don’t think there is one way to feel. Whatever you feel is valid. You are also denied the chance of justice that you had when they were alive.

That's a possibility but they refuse to talk about it, everything has been swept under the carpet because he was this wonderful loved man. It was made quite clear to me the past few years not to rock the boat and say anything so I've stayed silent.

Yes good point, all feelings are valid you are right thank you.

I wonder if the parent believes you more than you think they do; but doesn't want to believe it to be true. Now with that persons passing, they perhaps assume you to be relieved about what would normally be sad news. They may be taking out their anger about you being abused and their passing back to you subconsciously. It can be a very confusing time for everyone in the circle of knowledge.
I don't think it's unusual for you to feel weird about it. You might be confused about the emotion too - sad but relieved? Closure? Or not closure because it was never something you confronted? (Not a criticism).

So many emotions could be flying about. It's not weird at all.

Thanks Hashtag your reply makes a lot of sense, I felt like how you've described the possible feelings is familiar.

Yes closure definitely, it's over now in some ways and there's no chance he can ever do anything to me again. I'd kept away in recent years but at family occasions still felt uneasy. Also having to keep my children away from him and make excuses all the time.

I think you're right on the money about my parent (sorry not specifiying, again have to be vague) yes they are angry about what their dad did as they've told me that, but have asked things like "Are you sure you're remembering right, you were quite young?" and I expect that does come down to not wanting it to be true.

It's all high emotions at the moment so I'm sure it will settle down. I just honestly don't know how I should feel! Writing this has helped get some thoughts out.

YOU know, deep down, you really do know what happened to you.
You were abused and didn't imagine it as some of your relatives would like to suggest. Perhaps they couldn't cope with it? Perhaps they felt they'd let you down? Perhaps they are so cowardly, they chose to disbelieve you. Even blame you? I believe you. My mother couldn't cope with abuse of me by my stepfather and chose to rewrite history. BUT I KNOW what happened, what really happened, despite her denial and I will never forget it. I wish you well in the future. Don't doubt yourself, because YOU KNOW THE TRUTH.

Hector wow thank you - that helps loads - even just you saying you believe me. I can barely believe myself sometimes but yes you're right I know deep down what happened and have to deal with it.

So sorry your stepfather abused you, and even worse that you weren't believed. I do think as you said that part of it is parent's not being able to cope with it so it's easier to pretend it never happened. Yes I think my parent feels they let me down which then makes me feel guilty too.

It's going to take time.

Thanks for replies.

I believe you OP.

When my "egg doner" died (I don't refer to her as my mom) I swung between elation that I was finally free from the bitch (sorry if that offends), sad because of, well, fuck knows why, and confusion because my emotions were so mixed!

PM me if you ever need to talk.

💜

Thanks AllRoads , means a lot you saying you believe me and no it doesn't offend me one bit how you describe your experience. Sounds like you were put through hell

I appreciate the offer to PM, thanks so much.