AIBU to ask my mother to stop sending cards and money to ds?

[MrsGorilla]

Am estranged from her. She stuck by a violent bullying man for years and didn’t try to protect me from any of his actions. During therapy a year ago I snapped and had to separate myself. I was having panic attacks every time she was having ds or coming over, and was/am struggling with resulting major anxiety and some eating problems. She took it upon herself to turn up at ds’ Xmas play which made him cry afterwards as he was confused about why she was there and not sitting with us. She puts sporadic lovey doves cards with money inside through our door for him. Until now we have just given ds the money as money to buy a book with or whatever, and not given him the card from her as it always confuses and upsets him. Dh and I are wondering if we should send her a message or note asking her to refrain from doing it anymore as it makes him upset. I don’t wish to be unkind and I know she must horribly miss him but I didn’t separate me (and by extension us) for no reason,I’ve struggled with major mental health problems my whole life because of her and obviously if I’ve separated myself then dh and ds are part of the package.

Would I be out of order to request no more cards? It’s only by luck that so far we have seen most of them come through the door before he has.

I doubt she would listen

I think you can ask her, in fact tell her if she doesn't take the message, but I think you also owe it to her to spell it out exactly why you are doing this so she fully understands how you feel

I obviously don’t know all the story (and I’m sure it’s huge). But why is it so upsetting for your child to know he has a grandma out there who loves him? At the very least keep the cards so that when he’s older he will know that she tried to reach out to him, then when he knows the whole story he can decide for himself.

But why is it so upsetting for your child to know he has a grandma out there who loves him?

Err is t it because the OP had an abusive partner and didn't protect her own daughter? Therefore how does the OP have a clue as to whether she would protect her own grandchild. I would let mine anywhere near someone like that

Missy- because he doesn’t see her so he doesn’t understand why he gets cards and money through the door. And it has in the past made him wish he could see her but he doesn’t understand that the fun grandma who buys him sweets and takes him out also once hit him and fills his mum with intolerable anxiety.

I would send each one back, money included.
It's absolutely fine to cut her out but its not ok to keep the money.

I haven't seen my own mum since i was 16, she's never met my kids. The teen knows why and the younger just thinks my step mum is my mum.

She doesn't deserve the chance to get to know them.

I would send a note explaining you want her to stop. I doubt she will but I would then return all notes and money to sender. I do think by keeping the cards/money you give the impression that she stil has a role/power over you. You have made the decision to break contact so you need to stick with that!

That’s a good idea about sending the money and cards back. Don’t know why we didn’t think of that. I will send the money back with the note asking for no more to be sent.

He loves her and she loves him. I think you need to find a way to allow them to see each other, where you don’t have to see her. Perhaps your husband drops off and picks up. I think your son is suffering from the loss of an important relationship and you could probably find a way to work around it.

She hit your son?

Don’t open the card. Return unopened. How dare she turn up at your sons play. Have a word with the school about noting her as a person who is not allowed contact with your son. You have parental responsibility, this should be possible. When I’ve worked in schools there has usually been a list.

Krapon did you not read that the op has needed therapy to deal with the fallout from her mother’s behaviour? Her son will be fine without a toxic grandmother.

Absolutely send it all back. You are right to be no contact.
Good luck, stick to your guns.

Send them back UNOPENED.

I think you need to find a way to allow them to see each other, where you don’t have to see her. Perhaps your husband drops off and picks up.

Really? Then she can hit him without anyone knowing!

I would also send the next back with a letter.

Undomestichousewife- yes. He was having a tantrum and she bent down and slapped his legs. She said afterwards that she shouldn’t have done that but I was so shocked and it was one of the last times I saw her before I separated off.

She didn’t slap him hard but that’s not the point is it really.

Definitely send them back, right now she probably thinks ds is reading he cards and thinking of her.
If you make it clear to her every card will be returned unopened hopefully she will stop.

We are in the same situation with my MIL. She is a nice enough person but she met and then married a convicted paedophile and then tried to lie to us to facilitate his contact with our dd. She no longer has any contact with our dc (ds wasn’t even born yet and she has never met him) as she completely thinks it’s all just fine and she did nothing wrong and he’s a lovely old man (who sexually assaulted a child...). When we cut off contact, we wrote her a detailed letter explaining exactly the boundaries we were putting in place and why. We asked her not to send any cards or gifts or make any contact at all with our children. In part this is because her partner’s abuse involved financial grooming of a family member with gifts and money. If she sends things, I open them, take photos of it for my records and then send it back. It’s stopped now but I have those records just in case we ever need to seek a non-harassment order, which is the next step if we have any further problems.

Ultimately, I think trust your gut. You know what risk she may pose and what’s safest for your dh. I feel sad our dc don’t have a relationship with her, but it was an easy decision once I knew she’d protect her partner over our dd (she told us that would be the case). No one wants to lose a parent this way or a grandparent for your children, but sometimes it’s the only outcome in an otherwise horrible situation.

I’m so sorry you went through that. It seems that you’ve done a really good job of putting your kids first.

My mum isn’t so much a danger to ds as careless at times (giving him stuff that affects his stomach etc). The principal factor in us all withdrawing was that it felt so so wrong sending ds off with her after everything she’d done to affect me. I was panicking so much that I couldn’t breathe every single time she came. Being confronted with her was so hard. So I was stuck with a choice of enduring that forever or putting my MH first. And then she rocked up to his play which caused a huge amount of upset for all of us.

I get that she must be devastated at not seeing him but what am I supposed to do? If I can’t bear even seeing someone myself how else can this play out?

He loves her and she loves him. I think you need to find a way to allow them to see each other,

Why? Have you read the OP?

Op think very carefully before you include a letter with anything you return. The whole point of what she's doing is to provoke a reaction. If you send a letter then she's got what she wanted. If you send anything at all then she's got what she wanted. It's very very hard but if your choice is no contact then that has to mean no contact in any form. Put the cards in the bin without reading them. If you suspect they contain cash then open them, take it out then, if you have her bank details, return it directly via the bank. If you don't have her bank details give it to charity. It's really not easy to deal with and even less so when they don't respect boundaries to the extent that they will come to your home.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people chime in on threads like this completely dismissing an op's lived experience and emotional trauma. Telling an abused child (which the Op is at heart) to suck it up to make Grandma happy is just ludicrous and so insulting. Nobody makes the decision to become estranged for shits and giggles.

Flyingelbows I wish I’d read your post earlier, I texted her a little while ago. I said please stop sending them and that in the same way as her turning up at the play, it’s not best for ds. I asked her to respect my wishes and that I separated off because of her damage, not for no reason.

There is no way to ‘win’ this situation. Whatever I do I’m fucked here, I either suffer in her presence or I separate and am seen as a cruel bastard.

I’ve felt pretty distressed this morning but I’m trying to bear in mind all the bad incidents and how it affected me so I’m not too self-loathing over it.

Ps I told her I’d post her the money.

You’re never a cruel bastard for protecting yourself or your child.

From now on just ignore her, don’t send the cards back, it’s a reaction that feeds her ego. complete radio silence