Nagging doubts about my relationship

[isthisallinmyhead]

I'm struggling to process what's happening in my relationship and need some clarity or outside views.

Been together decades I'm younger then them, met young, was swept if my feet, quickly moved in together etc, married, had children.
I've been having a nagging feeling over the last few years that I no longer want to be in my relationship, bit of background to this we moved away from family, he was unemployed for several years (no real reasons just excuses why) quit jobs without consulting me. Eventually about three years ago got a part time job (under duress! ) things have bumbled along a bit since then.
I've gone of sex, but had been going along with it to keep him happy (he gets moody if he doesn't get it and it causes an atmosphere) a while ago I decided to stop doing it when I didn't want to as it's bad for me mentally and I think bad for the relationship.

So now the problem is he doesn't think I'm affectionate enough, sex is a big issue at first he was ok with the reduced sex but now it's becoming a problem the moods are coming fast he says he doesn't think I love him anymore.
We communicated about all our issues and I feel like he dismissed most of what I said and rubbished it and didn't understand what I was saying at all! He wants to draw a line under it all now I know nothing has really resolved and don't know what to do.
I feel emotionally drained, tired and don't know what to do. I'm scared that my emotional state is clouding my judgement
Part of me just wants to seperate because I'm tired of everything part of me thinks I'll regret that as I'm stressed out and that might not be the best time to make these decisions. I also have children to consider so don't want to disrupt their lives.
How do you know when to call time?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ... is this me?!

Well it does sound like a relationship in crisis. You had a big talk and he dismissed the things that make you unhappy, and you dismissed his concerns about sex and affection. I tend to think that you should try everything to save a long marriage, particularly where there are children are involved. With that in mind I'd suggest couples counselling, which can work to help you see each other's point of view and help you reconnect, or counsel you both through a separation if that's what you decide.

Obviously both partners have to be invested in trying to repair the relationship, so if your mind is made up then there's no point prolonging the misery. I suggest counselling only because you appear undecided, and as a last resort. I do know couples who have repaired marriages after counselling.

He does sound awful op, there's nothing attractive about pestering for sex, moodiness or being workshy. But I also think anyone would sound awful if you listed all of their negatives, and spouses at the point of separation naturally focus on and exaggerate the negatives, so for that reason I always shy away from shouts of ltb in favour of exploring every avenue first.

I agree with RainyApril. If would be a shame to throw the relationship away without doing everything possible to save it. Have you talked about why he is so unwilling to work? Could he be depressed?

Unlike the previous poster I would say that there doesn't seem to be anything worth saving here. I don't think you are hesitating because you are unsure about leaving, I think you are hesitating because leaving and breaking up a marriage is a scary thing to do... I've just done it and I totally sympathise with how difficult you are finding it.

The problem is that nothing is really going to change for the better here by itself, so you will have to be proactive and make a decision. If you think it's worth going to couples counselling then maybe give it a go, but he doesn't sound as if he's going to listen, and you don't sound as if you want to be there any longer.

Thank you for your replies.
I am willing to go to councilling he is not.
I spoke to someone on my own and they gave me lots to think about unfortunately I still am not clearer in my mind.
Cambionome you are right I need to be proactive and make a decision but struggling on how? Is there a defining moment you think that's it or we can work through it? It's hard to see clearly when you are in the thick of things.

I totally sympathise with you here 😢 it’s making the actual decision. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more. In the meantime wishing you all the luck in the world x

If he is refusing to try counselling then I think it is time to call it a day. You're not happy, he's not happy, and nothing is going to spontaneously change for the better without great effort on both sides.

Perhaps you could start putting a plan together, thinking about the logistics and practicalities of separation. As you begin to see what your new future looks like, you may find yourself leaning towards a decision. If you decide to do it, you will be some way towards getting your ducks in a row, but you can put the brakes on at any time.

For me that was working out my new income/expenditure, seeing a solicitor, investigating any entitlements and so on.

I have looked into the financial side as to be honest he told me he will go back to where we originally come from if we seperate which means leaving his job and being hours away from the children, i understand this in a way and whether he will or not I don't know but it made it clear that i will need to have enough money to cope on my own luckily i do.

As you say I'm stuck on knowing how to move forward if he won't see someone!

I am worried about the children as if he moves contact will be difficult (he has no transport) so there will be no 50/50 contact as that will be impossible unless I move too and for various reasons including medical it's not something I would want to do if I could help it.

Maybe I need to stop worrying about what I can't control and think about what I can.
Is my happiness worth others having to change their lives?

He's told you that he'll move as a threat. If he chooses to do that, to move hundreds of miles from his dc and give up his job, well then that is his decision and any impact that has on his relationship with his dc is his fault, not yours.

I do think people have a responsibility to try everything when separation involves breaking up a family, but you don't have to martyr yourself for everyone else's happiness.

If you soldiered on, would you be happy ten years from now or even more miserable, probably planning to separate as soon as your youngest dc left for uni.

It can be amicable, it can involve effective co-parenting, it could see your dh being a better father than he is now. If it doesn't pan out that way, if he's a dick about it, well that just confirms you were right to get out imo.

You only get one life: this is no way to spend it.

The threat of him quitting work and going back home is likely to be just a threat. But even if it isn't, as per pp, that would be his decision/fault. You can't stay held hostage by what he might do.

Neither of you are happy and I don't know what model of a relationship you're showing your dc, but it doesn't sound a healthy or happy one.

My defining moment at the age of 36 was "do I wang to spend the rest of my life one this?" The answer was no and that's when it was over for me. He used to pester for sex too failing to realise the reasons why I didn't want sex. Lack of respect is a major turn off and I had no respect for him. My last relationship ended recently and the sex went out the window there too and that was because I'd lost respect for him. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, don't waste it on someone who isn't prepared to even try to save things.

What attracts us to men differs but if he changes dramatically it can affect the dynamics. One factor that attracted me to my husband is that he is driven to progress and be successful. Whilst the good standard of living is nice, it isn't that as such but that fact being driven and successful is part of who he is. If he wasn't, I guess he would have a very different personality....and whether that would be attractive to me I don't know. OP it sounds like your DH has changed significantly and what attracted you to him has diminished and a knock on is you have less desire to have sex with him.

He does sound very disinterested and needing keeping. If you don't like it and he isn't prepared to try and change, there isn't much point carrying in as you will always resent him

It's really hard to see what's going on when you are in the thick of things - I completely understand that. You have to open your eyes to the fact that you wouldn't be questioning things like this if everything was basically OK.

The only thing I can suggest is to take baby steps... don't try to do everything at once, it's too difficult. Think about how things would be for you without him, maybe see a solicitor to see what you would have after a split (I know you say you would be ok but having details will help to make it seem more "real"), talk to someone in real life... Don't hide it all away and bury your head in the sand.

If it's any help, the hardest thing by far when I was splitting with stbxh was making the decision in the first place. Once I'd decided and actually made the split, everything fell into place more easily than I was expecting.

Good luck - keep going.

there's nothing attractive about this Man.. he works part time under duress.. but demands sex and affection .......

I'd have left long ago OP

Thank you all for you comments it really helps having outside views. I spoke to a friend in real life about it, she is very supportive of me not trying to sway me either way.
I think your right Cambionome the hardest thing is going to be making the decision and sticking to it, I'm going to take more practical steps and stop thinking about what I can't control and think about what I can and try to get some clarity.

This is consuming me and I know I need to sort it out as it's already effecting my health.