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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend and messages

23 replies

newtothis1234 · 30/03/2018 22:49

Hi all, after suspicions I checked my bf phone and he had been messaging a girl from Instagram for the whole of our relationship. I feel crazy for giving him another chance, I'm paranoid and anxious now having never felt like this before, however I feel I cannot end it. Probably because of the initial lonlyness when you finish a relationship. So I'm still with him. Has anyone got some advice?

OP posts:

NellMangel · 30/03/2018 22:52

Bin him. I'd rather be lonely for a bit than treated like a mug by a cheater. X

Tinymum85 · 30/03/2018 22:55

If you were looking on his phone in the first place you probably knew deep down he was up to something.

If he’s doing something like that perhaps talk about it. He’s clearly insecure about himself to have to try and get self reassurance over Instagram. Is there any indication he cheated? Do you think you love him and is it worth fighting for to stay with him? Or is it more the case you are scared to make that first step into single life?

Dony put up with that behaviour as it will get worse and will drive you insane. The message is what you found but in reality he could of done a whole lot worse. Try and talk about things see if he owns up to his messaging. Hope things get better xx

clumsyduck · 30/03/2018 22:59

Look at it logically - Initial loneliness will pass . Believe me , I did that stage while pregnant with his baby !!!

Living your whole life not trusting someone and being paranoid will last literally a lifetime !

Original poster

newtothis1234 · 30/03/2018 23:00

Well the person he messages lives no where near him so physically he hasn't done anything but I keep seeing the messages he wrote to her in my head and it's driving me mad.

OP posts:

Original poster

newtothis1234 · 30/03/2018 23:01

Yes I do love him but I never thought I'd put up with this type of thing and I'm dissponted in myself for staying. I am also scared of the initial step into single life yes.

OP posts:

clumsyduck · 30/03/2018 23:03

Doesn't matter she doesn't live near . What if she did ?? Hes shown what he is capable of

Get someone you deserve !!

Gemini69 · 30/03/2018 23:04

stop deluding yourself... he will find others... he's addicted to the thrill of receiving messages alerts female attention whatever.. he won't stop...

you will be okay... and you deserve so much better.. everyone does lovely.. your happiness does not depend on the person in your life...

Original poster

newtothis1234 · 30/03/2018 23:10

I know that's what I'm worried about, him finding others, there will always be someone willing won't there? That would be my life, constant paranoia, I know this but seem so incapable of ending it. It's a bit pathetic of me, just looking for the strength and wise words to spur me on. I'm not over reacting am I? Or have other people been through this and forgiven and and been happy again?

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Gemini69 · 30/03/2018 23:27

I don't believe the behaviour would change.. it's all too easy pressing a button isn't it.. to contact other people in this modern tech world...

I do think you would make yourself stir crazy with insecurity every time the phone sent a notification.. it's no way to function and would damage your mental well being long term...

try to read books.. contact friends.. join a gym.. cycle/walk.. there are lots of things to fill the void .. take your time and be kind to yourself.. and don't rush into arrangements you're not ready to commit too.. yo can do this lovely

Chamonix1 · 31/03/2018 04:18

My husband did stuff like this when we first got together.
Then after the first baby.
Then after marriage.
Then after the second baby.
I fucking hate him for it but hate myself for ever thinking he'd change.
7 years on and off he's betrayed me- be it without anything physical but betrayal non he less.

If they can't be loyal and honest at the start, when it's all fresh and rosey then they never will be.

Please leave him.

MiniTheMinx · 31/03/2018 07:53

Do you consider what he is doing as cheating?
There is one way to deal with the "initial loneliness" distance yourself from him and meet someone else. Not that this is an ideal way to behave, but he doesn't deserve any loyalty.

Original poster

newtothis1234 · 31/03/2018 08:03

Yes thanks that is what I'm trying to do now, distance myself and hopefully in a couple of days I'll then be able to call it a day and yes although it's not right maybe messaging someone else myself will keep me from going back to him. I just need to keep reading that it's not right what he did and yes he was doing it in the first few months when we were really loved up. Yes I do consider this cheating.

OP posts:

topsy2tails · 31/03/2018 08:08

Absolutely it's cheating!! Cmon luv, you're being used.
Head up, walk away! Does he know you know?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/03/2018 08:09

You describe yourself as pathetic. You say you are disappointed in yourself. You want strength. You never believed you would behave this way.

There's your answer. You dump him, ideally with some brief fury, a door slammed in his face and all contact blocked. You will feel lonely for a little while. You will also feel like a strong confident woman who can't be messed with.

You are concentrating on how you will feel lonely afterwards. Try to concentrate on how you will feel strong, confident and true to yourself afterwards. You won't feel pathetic or disappointed in yourself any more.

Original poster

newtothis1234 · 31/03/2018 08:31

Hi yes he knows that I know, I confronted him and to be honest although he said sorry, he didn't seem sorry I think he was just sorry he was caught. So I think he will do it again and just hide messages better. I feel a lot stronger today and yes you are right run rabbit, I will feel better about myself if I finish it. My plan is to have no contact this weekend and finish on Monday. It's hard with my kids being off school as I've got no time to cry about it. I'm just gutted as there is no going back from this and I really trusted him and we seemed to get on really well.

OP posts:

char187 · 31/03/2018 08:39

Please end it. You will be miserable forever if you stay. You have already said he will just continue but cover his tracks better. By staying, you are only setting yourself up for more hurt in the future. Which will lead to awful insecurity in future relationships.

You are feeling the pain now, you are going through it now. Get it over with and end it now, get through it and move on. Save yourself from the pain you will continue to have if you stay. It's not worth it, he's not the one for you.

It's cheating, he's a twat and you deserve better.

Original poster

newtothis1234 · 31/03/2018 08:44

You're right char, it is cheating isn't it? I know I feel it affecting my mental health already, and I've always been a happy strong person.

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char187 · 31/03/2018 08:58

@newtothis1234 I'm just speaking from experience. It would of saved me 7 years of heart ache and I would of still been that happy strong woman I was if I had left. I know it's hard and the thought of being alone is the worst. It's the worst part of it. But it's better than staying in an unhealthy relationship.

Original poster

newtothis1234 · 31/03/2018 09:11

I know everything you are saying is right. Wonder if I should end it by text or phone? It's just the final bit is so hard to do, but as another poster said I owe him no loyalty now.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 31/03/2018 10:07

More fool you for giving this too much thought. End by text, he doesn’t deserve you consideration.

Also, work on yourself. If you don’t value yourself you’ll find it harder to get others to.

frustrated18 · 31/03/2018 10:09

Text. Phone call and speaking to him will be harder and you are more likely to wobble.

MiniTheMinx · 31/03/2018 12:00

I would not text or call. I'd simply spend the next few weeks keeping him dangling. Let him feel some uncertainty and self doubt, much like you have had to put up with. He will no doubt spend his many hours between messaging you for reassurance and her for his kicks.

You won't be on your own for long, there is no shortage of men.

SandyY2K · 31/03/2018 17:36

Text him to end it. Tell him not to contact you again. Then block him.

If you stay with him..there's his green light to carry on. That shows him it's not a deal breaker and he'll sense your desperation.

No man should make you feel this way. He ain't worth it.

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