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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

LDR and unplanned pregnancy

23 replies

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 21:44

Hi
I’ve had a long distance relationship for nearly two years - we spend every other weekend together .
Now we have an unplanned pregnancy - I am 42 , him 51.
He doesn’t want the baby and has since said he no longer wants to see me either.
I am trying my hardest to understand his point of view - but he is getting more and more nasty to me since I said I can’t have an abortion.

So I am looking for advice - what would you do ?
I am 8 weeks - shall I try and keep things pleasant between us and ignore his moods and hope it’s just the shock ?
I’ve no idea if he will come around to the idea of having this baby .

Also one of us would have to move house / he won’t .
I have a primary school age child to consider (hence never met)

It’s all a mess and I don’t know how to try and make it right.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 21:45

Should say he’s never met my other child

OP posts:

PrizeOik · 30/03/2018 21:48

Do you want a baby?

Do you want a baby with him, bearing in mind he is very unlikely to come around?

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 21:51

I would never have planned to have another baby no.
But it has happened and I accept that so will have it.
I really don’t want to be a single parent either - but I guess that might be a possibility.

I have come so close to just telling him to leave me alone as I’m struggling with his negativity and he keeps saying his life is over and completely ruined.

OP posts:

Farmerswife36 · 30/03/2018 21:52

If you want another baby then you have the right to keep the baby . He sounds like a selfish prick ! It's your decision sweetie and whether he is on board or not is his choice

Greymisty · 30/03/2018 21:55

He's not going to move even if he has a change of heart, you have yourself to consider and a school age child.

He is getting nasty.

You deserve better than this man.

I repeat you deserve better than this man.

If you continue with the pregnancy than the eventual baby derserves more than this man. You current child deserves more than this man.

And again you deserve better than this man.

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 21:56

We have spent the last four weeks discussing / arguing about it. Many many hours on the phone and in person .
But since I told him I cannot go through with an abortion he has got even worse because he says I have taken his choice away and whatever he says or wants doesn’t matter. He says I am selfish for ruining his life.

I am struggling to understand his negativity- I don’t expect him to be jumping for joy - but I guess I would’ve thought he might come up with something constructive.
He just says he doesn’t know what to say or what to do - but he knows he doesn’t want the baby, but he doesn’t agree with abortion either- but thinks it’s the right thing in this situation

OP posts:

DinahMo · 30/03/2018 21:58

Wow OP so sorry that you’re going through this, what I’m guessing should be a happy surprise for you and your - I hesitate to call him a partner - manfriend? - is being such a dickhead.

I would stop bothering with him completely, I’m sorry to say. The relationship is over. It’s not your responsibility to ‘make it right’. Base your decisions around having this baby alone. Do not change anything else in your life for this man, certainly don’t move house!

You can’t force him to be in a relationship with you (and why would you want to after he’s behaved like this), you can’t force him to see his child when they arrive. He does have a legal obligation to financially support his child.

I would keep all contact between you now to simple updates regarding the baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope that you can seek your support elsewhere. Don’t waste any more of your brainspace on him than you absolutely have to.

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 21:58

@greymisty
I guess that’s where someone with higher self esteem would find it easier to walk away from it all maybe

OP posts:

PrizeOik · 30/03/2018 21:59

He isn't going to come around. That you do need to accept. I would definitely stop speaking to him as the relationship is over and he's being mean to you.

You will be a single parent and the child's father will likely not be involved, at best. Worst case, your ex will actually tell the child they are unwanted.

I appreciate you don't want to have a termination but it's really important that you realise this little soul may live a very hard life knowing his dad didn't want him/her.

Legally, of course it's for you to decide wether to proceed with the pregnancy. Ethically, I believe you should also consider the innocent child, and the impact to their mental health long term.

Not a popular opinion I'm sure, but I feel I need to say it

Fineline2018 · 30/03/2018 22:01

Does he have children himself?

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 22:03

@PrizeOik that’s a fair point you make and I appreciate your input.

I feel absolutely drained by it all.
I suppose the fact we live 150 miles and a three hour drive apart would make it very easy for him not to be part of the baby’s life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 22:03

@Fineline2018 one but she’s an adult but does live with him

OP posts:

LIZS · 30/03/2018 22:04

He's made his position clear, I think you should plan for a future without him. Sounds as if he is more into no strings attached sex than becoming part of your or any family. Don't consider moving to salvage your relationship, it will not reduce his resentment towards you or the baby and will be more disruptive to your child's life.

Greymisty · 30/03/2018 22:05

Dinahmo is right this is not your responsibility to make right.

Choose what is best for you always. From what you've wrote this man is trying to manipulate you to get his own way and you have been sticking to your guns, you are not a push over cos a push over would be waaay over after 4 wks of nagging and whinging from this 51 yr old.

Have you got support where you are? Money wise ok? To use the mumssnet phrase can you line your ducks up for this pregnancy?

rockinghorse284752 · 30/03/2018 22:08

he doesn’t agree with abortion either- but thinks it’s the right thing in this situation
What a hypocrite. I think the best thing is just to say you are keeping the baby and it is his decision whether is wants to be involved or not. Then leave it to him. Hopefully he will come round. Wish you the best of luck and a healthy pregnancy

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 22:08

I have a decent job so financially ok and my house is big enough.
I don’t have any family support though and only a few friends, so my support network is quite small.
I guess that is something I could work on though.

I have two older boys that don’t live at home but they will be fine.

OP posts:

Juells · 30/03/2018 22:10

I appreciate you don't want to have a termination but it's really important that you realise this little soul may live a very hard life knowing his dad didn't want him/her.

The world is full of children who don't know their fathers, they're not all scarred and condemned to a very hard life.

Obviously, at 42 it's not going to be easy dealing with a baby, and there are risks attached.

No matter what you decide, you need to dump that waste of space.

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 22:11

I really appreciate hearing other people’s persepctives - and I know it is only based on a small amount of information.
If he were to write a post I imagine it would sound very different, but that’s why we keep arguing over it because we have different opinions.

I have told him I can’t do this on my own and it’s as much his responsibility as it is mine - that is constantly met with rhe response of - but I don’t want it

OP posts:

JaneEyre70 · 30/03/2018 22:14

Your only choice right now has to be whether or not you can realistically do this alone. I'd stop all contact while you get your head together, constantly arguing and being backed into a corner isn't helping you remotely.

Turn your phone off; and take the time you need to make such a serious choice. He's already declared himself out of the picture, so this choice is all yours.

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 30/03/2018 22:16

I suppose the reason I have listened to him for the last four weeks is because I still hope he might change his mind

But in reality it seems more and more unlikely

OP posts:

DinahMo · 30/03/2018 23:38

You need to base your decisions on him not changing his mind. And honestly, even if he did, would you really want to be with him after this? After he’s accused you of ‘ruining his life’? FFS he’s 51, talking like a 15yo! And apparently incapable of taking responsibilities for his own actions. If he really really didn’t want to become a father again he could have had a vasectomy, doubled up on contraception etc. Or just not put his penis inside you, to put it bluntly. If he left contraception up to you then he really doesn’t have a leg to stand on. And no contraception is 100% reliable, save abstinence. As sexually active adults we have to accept this.

Sorry for the rant, I’m incredulous on your behalf OP. You sound at a low ebb, you talk of low self esteem and not being able to do this by yourself. I won’t pretend it’d be plain sailing but if you do continue this pregnancy, it’ll probably be miles easier without the millstone of this manchild around your neck. You’re financially independent, you have a home. You can build up a support network. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he’s adding anything to your life right now apart from stress and drama, and you don’t need either.

PrettyLittIeThing · 31/03/2018 00:32

You will be a single parent. I think it's best going into this without being deluded. You've been together two years and he has never met your other child yet you are now having one together honestly it doesn't sound like you are in a relationship anyway, it sounds quite casual.

Cricrichan · 31/03/2018 01:20

He doesn't want a baby and I can understand that. He's got an adult child and is in his 50s and not in a committed relationship.

It took me a while to get my head round having another baby when I got pregnant with my last and even considered termination. I couldn't imagine being without that child now and know.of other people who have felt the same.

Hope you're ok op but there is a good chance that you'll bring that child up alone.

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