There’s an issue in my relationship/life but I can’t put my finger on exactly what’s bothering me- or at least I can’t explain to my OH exactly what’s bothering me. I’m really hoping someone here can help.
I’ve tried to talk to OH about it a few times but each time, I don’t feel that I’ve quite got to the heart of the issue and I’m stuck. I’m posting here in search of some insight or clarity.
The thing is that I feel my OH is excessively negative about his life. Not about me or our DD but he never has anything good to say about anything else in his life. Even to the point when something positive happens, he’ll puncture it by finding the one negative thing about it. This applies to his work and social life, and to current and future things.
I feel so dragged down. I’m exhausted by it. I work very part time (freelance) and the rest of the time I look after our 16month old DD. So sometimes he’s the first adult conversation I have all day. And it’s just a tirade of doom and gloom, and moans, and complaints.
I wouldn’t mind if it weren’t for two things:
(1)I don’t get enough time to do the things I need/would like to do, my social life and friendships have changed beyond recognition since I had a child, my career is languishing in the doldrums, my days mostly consist of dealing with tantrums/picking up food/playing toddler games. An old friend of mine has cancer and I think she’s going to die. I’m fundamentally lonely and whilst I love our daughter and our life, I do miss my old life. I’m frustrated that I’m slow at getting my freelance work going, often because all the domestic stuff falls to me so I end up doing things like DIY or sorting a plumber on my “work” days when DD is at childcare. But I just get on with it as I think this is kind of par for the course with a toddler, and I just try to make steady quiet inroads into forging new friendships and developing my career. I try and make the best of things and I try and find good or positive stuff to talk about in the evenings as I don’t want to compound the negatives of the day by dwelling on them in the evening.
2)To anyone looking on, his life would seem pretty good. He is successful in his job, receives plaudits and praise from all levels of his industry on a very regular basis, and he works in his “dream” industry. He does work very long hours (sometimes out of choice) and of course there genuine gripes about aspects of work. He has a great social life at his fingertips - some of it is related to work so he “has” to go although it’s usually to events that he enjoys. Sometimes he’ll spend all week being all doom-laden about how terrible X or Y is going to be. Then it happens and it’s amazing and he has a great time while I’ve been stuck at home with nothing going on except having listened to him complain about it for the past week.
Where I’m getting stuck:
When I try to explain how I feel, he seems to think I’m saying I don’t want to hear about his problems. Or that I feel he doesn’t ask me about my problems enough so we should have equal time to complain. That is not what I mean.
It sounds unreasonable in my head but I think what I really mean is that: I wish he’d get a grip and open his eyes to all that is good. I don’t want him to bottle up actual problems but I guess I want him to perceive fewer problems. But is that even possible? Am I being a cow? Am I basically saying “don’t get upset by things because I haven’t got the inclination to care”? Am I taking my frustrations out unfairly? Maybe I’ve forgotten what full time work is like.
I’m starting to feel angry and resentful, and I hate it. I tried to speak to him last night about it but I can tell he’s taken it as hurtful and that I’m unsympathetic and today I know he won’t say anything about his day when he gets home.
Anyway, this is SO long. I hope someone has bothered to read all the way to the end. I’d really appreciate opinions or advice.