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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need a kick up the arse

11 replies

Hobnobsmakemehappy · 30/03/2018 16:01

Why am I still crying over this manchild?
5years ago exdp left me for the ow and iy almost broke me.
there was lots of back and forth between us and eventually I let go because I knew I had to no matter how I felt.
They broke up in Jan last year and we began to get close again in August, sleeping together having time as a family it was all going well or so I thought.
He's been seeing someone else disappearing every weekend for the last two months and has barely seen the dcs.
Now I feel as though I'm back to square one, waking up and going to sleep crying he's constantly on my mind, he hasn't even had the decency to say to me what's going on and blames me for being angry and having feelings.
I know I need to catch a grip get some self respect and move on, but I just can't seem to do it.
It sounds pathetic but I really just want a hug from him, he was everything to me and I'm being thrown away for a 24 year old single party girl.
It's half term now and I want to call him and plan days out but hes with her.
He's also so unemotional when I tell him he's hurt me, yet tells me he cares about his "family"
How do I get through this again?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2018 16:06

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing but expecting a different result

It is up to you if you want to keep repeating the same thing but you’ve realised there is a pattern

Get up and dust yourself down, onwards and upwards!

The relationship between you is not the right one for him otherwise he would never have left. This is positive because it means that eventually you can meet the man who you truly deserve.

I feel sorry for your poor kids too!

Hobnobsmakemehappy · 30/03/2018 16:13

I feel sorry for them too quite and I think that has an awful lot to do with my tears aswell.
I'm crying for all of us he doesn't see them half as much as he should and I can see it hurts them too.

Deep down I know he's not right for me I knew that the first time around.
I tried dating but I've just not met anyone decent In 5 years and I'm lonely.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2018 16:22

Being lonely is hard but why not set yourself some long term goals?

Weight loss
Get fit
Retrain at college in an exciting career? Childcare is usually free
Join a running group

So much to do to keep you occupied

Volunteer
Mumsnet more often!

Don’t feel sorry for yourself. You’ve made an error of judgment and I’ve got no doubt this man uses you when his life has nothing better going on but only you can change that

For a start, are you getting child maintenance?

How old are the kids

userxx · 30/03/2018 16:30

Yep, you're being used as a back up option. Take yourself out of the equation so you're no longer that, you're worth a hell of a lot more.

Hobnobsmakemehappy · 30/03/2018 16:38

I've just applied to volunteer in my ds school a few days a week and am trying to get to the gym more as I stopped going a few month ago.
As for maintenance he gives me money as and when he feels like it.

user I know I'm being used, but he's very good at making you feel as though you're not.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2018 16:42

You can go online now and apply to th csa?

What not do that?

Prove to yourself that you don’t give a sh1t if you are in his bad books

Hobnobsmakemehappy · 30/03/2018 16:56

quite you've just got the nail right on the head with that comment.
I don't want to be in his bad books and I've tried so hard to portray this perfect person so he'll want me.

I used to call him to make sure he'd eaten and take him lunch for work, all of this while he was still with the ow, I was such a fool.

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 30/03/2018 21:01

Oh sweetheart, you need to take action for yourself starting today.

All that energy you're pouring into him - that you've poured into him in the past - radically redirect it ALL back to yourself.

Get on coursera.com and do a course.
YouTube some yoga or HIIT and do it.
Clean the house, purge belongings, reorganize.
Draw, paint, knit, craft, do anything creative.
Phone friends and plan time outside the house.
Get out into nature.
Ask the kids what they want to do, and just do it.
Try new makeup, restyle your clothes...

... Do anything except spend energy on this man. starting today.

The past is gone. From today, your life is about you.

You need to keep.busy with things that help you, build you up. He's a destructive force. Don't let that energy into your life x

Thebluedog · 30/03/2018 21:05

Start setting boundaries and goals

Apply to the CSA now
Only talk to him re the dc
Sort regular times for him to see the dc so you can start to get some regular ‘you’ time
Regular gym attendance
Forget about meeting someone for the time being, start to find things to make you happy without him or another man

Hobnobsmakemehappy · 31/03/2018 17:21

prize thank you, I've started on some of those things ready.
New make up, clothes. I've also just booked a holiday for next month with a friend, I need a break.
He's messaged me today just to let me know he's not going to be available today as he has a "house warming" party to go to 😂 I hate the bloody lies, just say you're going away for the weekend.
That's what angers me the most

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 31/03/2018 18:25

Sounds like a good plan op!

Do not worry about upsetting this man he truly does not give a sh t about you and his actions have shown that time and again

Are you really going to let your desperation to please this man get in the way of claiming money for your lovely deserving children?

Please don’t. Show your children how to have self respect and not pine after people who treat them so badly.

Stop holding on because you will never get the fairytale ending with this twat.

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