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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Step families and realtionships

25 replies

adadheretoo · 30/03/2018 14:00

I am a father to two boys of 18 (okay, legally an adult !) and one of 12. I've been in a 7 year relationship with a woman who also has two kids. A girl of 17 and boy of 15. I have my boys 3 days a week and she has here's all the time. The relationship worked by me going over to her place when my boys were at their mum's and we'd either stay in or go out which we did quite a bit over the years when it suited her.

Her kids would occasionally go to their dad's place but he was in time honoured fashion very unreliable and often didn't do what he said when agreed or would get into massive arguements with the kids.

Basically, I led two lives, one with her and her kids and one with my boys. I was very much around her kids for years and although they accepted me in the end, the daughter in particular didn't want to have much to do with me. My partner would spend occational time with me and my boys but due to a busy life and finding my younger son too noisy and demanding she kept herself away as much as possible.

She let me know on a regular basis what she thought of my son and that she couldn't bear to be around his noise and demands. I swallowed this with sadness but kept the relationship going because I was good at seperating the sadness from my emotions and I loved her.

The final straw was her asking me to give over one evening every week without fail to us going out together. It just happened that this is a day of the week that is the most important with my younger son and she said that this was the best day of the week to suit her needs. This night out every week was non negotiable and if I didn't do it, our relationship was over. I think there is an element of feeling she put her kids second to our relationship over the years and they suffered the consequences of her not being around. An important point to add is that I never made any demands that we go out and leave her kids alone but she did it for us. If anyone can be bothered by my story and has a moment to comment, I'd be glad to hear honest responses, especially from parents who have been in similar step family settings.
I've had a fair bit of talking with male friends but want to particularly get mother's responses.

OP posts:

Givenup43 · 30/03/2018 14:10

Hi I am in a very similar situation. My op has 2 boys and so do I and we live apart and don't really mix so much anymore so I pretty much have my main life with my boys and they go to their dad's every Tuesday and every other weekend. When we have no boys it's just the two of us but the rest of the time we either get 10 mins in a lay by, no time or time at his house with his boys trying to get his attention. It's very difficult.

I think it's very unfair that your partner has picked a day when you want and need to be with your son. Is there no negotiation to pick a day which works for BOTH of you rather than just her?

greenlanes · 30/03/2018 14:11

Do not let your younger DS down. He has less control over his life than anyone else. If that is the one night each week out of 7 that he needs you to do something for him (eg take to footie or some other club), then that comes first. If you then prioritise other people every other evening so your partner/girlfriend never sees you then she has a point.

You describe this as a 7 year relationship - sounds fairly superficial to me if you have been living 2 separate lives.

PerfectPenquins · 30/03/2018 14:15

Your partner has picked this day deliberately she dosnt like your son and is being mailicous trying to make you upset your son and out her above him. Don’t do it shes shown she is a pathetic and vicious person I fail to see how you can love someone who has regularly been nasty about your son! Get rid tell her to do one your not going to hurt your child for the jealousy of an adult!

RB68 · 30/03/2018 14:20

She doesn't get to dictate to you - even if you take your Son out of the relationship it should be mutually agreable not dictated to you - the response is "that doesn't work for me" and if her response is a flounce you know where you stand - you are a convenient shag - sorry but that's how it is in her head, she assigns little or no importance to either you or the relationship you have with your kids. I would let it go and find someone who appreciates you and what you try to do for your kids

PrizeOik · 30/03/2018 14:31

Never in a million years would I forgo regular time with DS for a partner. If it were a one off, maybe. Weekly, absolutely not.

It's fine to keep the family lives separate, but not at the expense of one of the children. Also she sounds mean, talking about your DS like that.

honeylulu · 30/03/2018 15:36

It sounds as if she's being manipulative. Doesn't like your son, has never made any effort with him and now wants you to make a choice that (if you do what she wants) will drive a wedge between you and your son. Nasty, selfish behaviour.

I don't understand her setting she feels she has put her children second to your relationship. It sounds like she is with her children most of the time. What does she mean? If she really has, more fool her.

YoucancallmeVal · 30/03/2018 19:39

She sounds bloody awful and very needy. Do you really love her or are you just nervous about being alone? I'd tell her to do one, your ds will not forgive you if you push him aside in her favour.

Babyblues052 · 30/03/2018 19:59

I grew up with a step mum who hated me and my younger brother. My dad put her needs before ours and our life was miserable. She didn't even try and disguise her hate for us. It was truly awful and still affects us both to this day. We are both adults but the emotional toll it took on us has stayed. Choose your son she's sounds like an evil cow.

SandyY2K · 30/03/2018 20:16

She's demonstrated that she wants to ruin your relationship with your son. Don't let your son down. She's not worth the damage and the impact it will have on him.

WhiteCat1704 · 30/03/2018 20:23

Hmm..maybe she feels she made sacrifices for you and wants to see if you will do the same for her...I would just very honestly talk to her and explain that you love her and want to spend as much time with her as possoble but this one night is reserved for your youngest..he won't be 12 for long..in several years he won't be that interested in weekly meetings anymore and you don't live with your kids full time..if she loves and cares for you she will be willing to compromise BUT you need to assure her she is important for you..
If she isn't willing to compromise you should pick your son....I'm a mother and a step mother.

DarkRosaleen · 30/03/2018 22:25

She doesn’t seem fair or loving.
Like all the other posters say, your child takes priority.
If the situation was reversed how do you think she would respond?

Bumshkawahwah · 30/03/2018 22:38

That’s not right! As someone else pointed out, she has her children living with her and you don’t. What a horrible ultimatum to give.

I’d struggle to be with someone who was happy to come between me and my child. It’s one thing to accept that she doesn’t like your son (although not be thrilled about that) but to give in to her demands would be pretty poor. Please don’t give in.

Bumshkawahwah · 30/03/2018 22:39

Actually, the fact that she gave the ultimatum at all would be the clincher for me. How petty, controlling and spiteful.

Pasithea · 30/03/2018 22:44

Ultimatums which involve the phrase “or its over” are not healthy in any relationship.

NotTheFordType · 30/03/2018 22:45

I'm assuming you've seen that your wife has posted Pn this board a for few times (and been told to fuck off a few times)

user1499333856 · 30/03/2018 23:06

Your son is 12 and needs you. There is your answer.

Irishtwinmumma · 30/03/2018 23:33

She’s really unfair, spiteful and really selfish. She’s basically asking you, to choose between her and your son?
My dads GF always gets funny and calls my dad like 5 times when he’s with me or my sister, keeps asking when is he coming home. Her and her two kids live with him. I hate her. Luckily my dad made it crystal clear to her that his children are priority. I’m 33 but still need my dad. I can’t imagine how much it would hurt me if he didn’t put me and my sis first.
Your son is your blood and he needs you, you don’t want him growing up thinking his dad didn’t love him enough to stand up to his GF and spend time with him.

Gemini69 · 30/03/2018 23:39

She sounds very calculating and manipulative OP... I'm sorry but I wouldn't allow this controlling Woman to destroy the limited precious time you share with your 12 year old...

I think you need to be honest with her.. he demands are out of order..... and a p.s. goodbye

Gemini69 · 30/03/2018 23:39

*her

topsy2tails · 31/03/2018 08:58

Kids first, EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!

Notagainmun · 31/03/2018 09:36

She is making you choose. Please don't let your kids down. You have never asked or expect her to choose you over her kids.

thethoughtfox · 31/03/2018 09:48

She's a dick. Put your child first.

Nkhutch · 31/03/2018 11:13

Please don't pick this woman over your child. One day a week might not seem bad however your son will feel it and notice it. She already doesn't like your son and is demanding you give up time with him to see her and keep the relationship going. That's now.... what about another 3 years? Will she demand more days? Demand you don't see them at all. There are plenty of women out there who would not encourage you to give up your free time to spend with her. My dd currently gets left at home every so often because her dad and his live in gf want to do something together. With his past two never doing this and always including dd I have to admit I suspect she is requesting time just him and her without my dd. I see the effect on her, which has now turned to not being bothered and expecting not to go. Do you really want to harm your relationship with your son ?

Original poster

adadheretoo · 31/03/2018 15:12

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply. It's hard to see things in perspective when you're up close and great to see eo many voices of reason.

OP posts:

TheVeryHungryDieter · 31/03/2018 22:00

Look, in about three years your son won't want to spend time away from his full time home and friends. Visiting you, especially in a situation where he is not being fully part of your life, will be - despite your best intentions and efforts - just not that attractive to a young man.

Spend time with him now, these days will pass fast enough. You're building the foundation of your future relationship with him.

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